Wednesday, November 30, 2011


this is so benjamin button. well clearly not a carbon copy, but the atmosphere/ music/ time travelling. AND THE GOOSE.

spent today at sgh. played with lots of kids, one kid was really the sweetest... EVER. they were discussing his lang delay and he kept talking to me hehe 'BEAR!' 'MIAOW!' 'NO!'. it was just sho cute. i love it when kids go out and wave bye to you (no doubt you gotta shamelessly beg them 'wave bye bye! like this! byeeee! byeee!!' before they actually do it.)

more importantly, identified lots of holes i need to fix. go go power rangerssss

oh yeah our tutor mixed up times (ithink, or forgot about us) so he was like 'nevermind lets meet after the test to go through answers!' -_- haha dont get me wrong, im quite keen, but i dont like discussing answers after testsss.
anyway dont worry i know God really doesnt owe me anything, and like the bridesmaids in the parable who never lighted their oil lamps, we need to be PREPARED. and it is really my own inefficiency as usual that puts me in this situation. which is nothing new, but hey self reflection! good for selfimprovement yo

anyway just as i left saw a case being adm for neonatal jaundice, quite cool to actually see it happening (not cool for the surprised parents). and one other mum actually thanked the dr for her gd explaination of physiological jaundice. one of those 'knowledge actually makes a difference in people's lives & helps them!!' moments. and the longterm followup of ex-premies yeahh


BIG BANG WON BEST MUSIC VIDEO FOR THE MNET AWARDS! held in singapore! *happy dance* that just made my studying-neonatology-at-midnight that much happier

no actually i really like neonatology. if i were any better at doing moro's reflex, i would sign up to be a neonatologist in a heartbeat. paeds surg, i have realised, is NOT my cup of tea. thank goodness i never started any surg projects. i had the most difficult time staying awake in paeds surg lectures in the other hosp, it was like secondary school physics all over again

today is a rather happy day! mcqs + good company + tutorial cancelled and can go home early HAHA. met sandesh/ rachel when printing stuff, and met a senior i really respect very much & who i remember as being one of the warmest friendliest people around! maybe it was chv or something i dont really know how we know each other that well haha but yay it was really v nice

these two occurances made me understand the Plan once again. i really wouldnt have it any other way, you know. okay. i can think of some better, less complicated ways. but this one turned out so well. really thank God.

cms peeps - altho i dont talk to them often since clinical years started, i think same as how anyone you break bread with you form bonds with, definitely those you pray with, you will. and christmas carol with. haha. and they're literally God-given friends. it's different from pccf, sure, but different good.

L - im glad that i have 2x more friends (or maybe 4x? or maybe the overlaps cancel out... haha) as we discussed! but more importantly, its not the number but the PEOPLE. like i met michelle chng the other day in the lounge haha i rmb when i met her by chance outside lt29 lastyr it was like *cue longlost friend hugging*. indeeed it was. so hm even though i dont really keep in touch with those people, i can still feel their genuine warmth & loveliness when i meet them after so long. haha. it's pretty awesome.

edit: i met fen in sgh on my way to the library and then spent like my lunch break gossiping about the usual stuff - postings, tutors, residency, sip, selectives, electives... hahaha. twas nice! it was pretty cool thinking about how far ive come since p4 & we were all doing all those random gep projects & putting up plays etc hahahah

Monday, November 28, 2011


i am so not studying for mcq. ZOMGGGGG. will someone please save me from myself?!

just now my friend was filling up a form or something (i think?!)
"discipline? none"


i thought it was hilarious. now i see, IT APPLIES TO ME TOO

a lot of thoughts, distilled into these
1) that time God really led me to do it
2) this time?!
3) i should really be more mature & not just randomly go with my desires/ feelings/ what i -think- God is saying hai sometimes it is so obvious sometimes it is really so like eh am i looking into a crystal ball or is it really

i'm just looking for hope & peace. which option lets me find it?

cowardly shirking or WISELY REFRAINING, which is it?
compared to this, i feel 100x more sure & at peace with paeds. so maybe the outcome of this, isnt that impt. but whenever i think of not doing it, i feel like im running away. i dont know from WHAT. hahaha i may not even get picked so wait & see!

it's been an interesting evening contemplating God's plans & my methods of discernment (not very good)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

the oft-quoted

this picture from tea& cookies makes me think: life is awesome

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
isaiah 40:31

"we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair"
2 corinthians 4:8

i think of you again at the sound of rain

so apt! C.N blue's love in the rain. and it is raining now. haha

*supposed* to be mugging for paeds mcq right now though so i didnt read through the eng subs, not representative of my train of thought! lol

right now all i am thinking is "i want to go to disneyland" SIGH. really really sian of studying. i AM interested in the subject matter just thoroughly burnt out & wanting a holiday. ONE MORE WEEK!! fam med better really be a holiday or there is gonna be a whole lot of dissappointed pple
How can anyone be so perfect

Saturday, November 26, 2011

winter rose

song of teh day

funny stuff!
*cg mates complaining about how the seat i picked is directly under the sun & too hot*
me: oh nevermind, at least we wont get vitamin C deficiency!!

yes, yes, i know, no need to rub it in...

during portfolio
tutor: so what are the phenotypes of asthma?
my friend: viral induced, exercise induced.... *long pause in which i try to surrepitiously whisper stuff to him* and the unknown type, where we don't know what it is

me: hey where are you guys now?
c: oh we're just showing dr rajeev some magic tricks
me: .... okayyy

so the trick he showed is the one where u write down a capital city and think of it really hard and c tells you what city ur thinking of

next day
c: you know, just now i went to ask dr rajeev a qn abt a patient, and he looked at me and said "i'm thinking of the answer right now, can you tell me what it is?"

the conclusion is, i think c needs to do more magic tricks to brighten up our lives. the making a rasin dissappear during developmental assessment of a 2 yo kid was pretty awesome too. unfortunately as our professor was playing peek a boo behind him at that moment, he missed the cool show of magic. hahaha.

chua chu kang polyclinic well baby assessment was pretty fun! i was kinda dreading it cos i was sooo tired and it is soo far but my DA has improved lots since then!! yay yay. the dr running it was very good also, and clearly very old & senior. like all our profs are his juniors/ housemen!!

and was discussing paeds with shariff on the mrt back, it was v encouraging

Also yeah i guess good marks are the icing on the cake
and yeah, i'm also obsessed with cake icing & frosting ;p so, that's me. hehe.

thank you God for two rather good assessments, let me trust in you for the portfolio :)

see, at the end of this posting, i was going to decide my entire life
i have decided the following
1) no, i dont really need to decide now
2) its when no matter what you still wanna do it, that you should

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

2/3 down!!

All i have to do is summarise scientific literature on dka and charm my printer and im done!!!
It all seems sooo far awayy
Midnight, i can do this! At least i dont have to go for prerounds and present anyone tmr =p but i enjoyed knowing all the good cases 1st, tracing blood results and going to watch the renal ultrasound. Mainly cos my male classmate was dancing and bouncing around with a flashing pink heart to distract the kid. He was pretty awesome even just singing the alphabet song too! Wow u shoulda seen the kids fascinated face. That guy is Amazing
(and it was hilarious too hehe)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

mini-cex = truly a miracle. as in, the miracle occured that it was allright, not the type of miracle where i need to be rescued from the grand mess i made. although i havent figured out if maybe the mess was meant to be, the other time. i think basically i clearly know what i am deficient in (cough physical examination) and i should totally fix it.... sometime. i highly doubt i can fix it in the next 2 weeks in this thoroughly overclerked place :(:(

and um, knowledge, and BRAIN POWER. that one, fixability varies

nevertheless, i am very grateful

unfortunately, half of this 4 weeks' marks also depends on PORTFOLIO

all my cases are common cases, but ATYPICAL, making finding guidelines horrible.
but usually, hard work doesnt deter me. some dramas to cheer myself up, food (i had a brownie just now hehe) and thoughts of long runs usually do the trick

but something i find i can't work through is PHYSICAL PAIN
which makes me emphathise muchly with patients. so okay, plus point

minus point is i have this freaking headache which makes me unable to do anything now but sleep. so i only have tomorrow night to finish this portfolio. do-able but i doubt it'll be a ball of a time

oh sorry, i meant the TWO portfolios
i would bang my head against the wall but that might increase the pain.

worst thing is, ive been sitting here since 6pm trying to work, but the thing just doesnt go away. i havent even been slacking off or sleeping or anything. oh i ran for 50 minutes which possibly made it worse YAY GOOD ONE

i sincerely hope this goes away tomorrow, where i have to finish the entire unfinished ward embedding form urghhhh

okay happy stuff
this v cute boy in the ward who is clearly recovering is SO HAPPY and was sad that my friends were having tutorial and couldnt play with him. SO CUTEE. so then he got them to play card games with him after. hardened, stressed out medical students! truly amazing sight. then then my friend won the game, so he went to his cupboard, and PRESENTED HIM WITH A CHOCOLATE EGG. omg. sweetness overload. really touching moment, even though the chocolate didnt go to me. i think the best is how he was doing percussion on his penguin when i passed by him in the ward the other day

1. present at ward rounds
2. follow a patient off somewhere to watch a scan or sth being done
3. watch a ho take blood or something
5. rush home and rush portfolio (please God, no more headache, or ANY sort of physical pain! even hard work looks good now. on that note, please let me not catch any of the random viruses all the little kids are carrying. i do like kids and i do like learning about their diseases but i really am not too enamoured with the idea of catching transmissible diseases. infact my medstudentitis makes me POSITIVELY paranoid like when i had headache and vomiting during my GE episode i thought it might be raised ICP)
7. do emergency simulation thingy thingy

1. hand up portfolio

1. go to chua chu kang for gen paeds clinic (sigh. so far)
3. oh wait, portfolio review


week after
1. lock self in library and do mcqs

so fun

after that, teas/lunches/ plays, etc YAY. it all seems so faaar away

Monday, November 21, 2011

i am a child of the promise

From 'Identity in Christ'

"I've been given great promises":

by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. (2 Peter 1 : 4)

"The Good Shepherd":

14 `I am the good shepherd, the one who really cares for the sheep. I know my sheep and my sheep know me.
15 So my Father knows me and I know him. I am willing to die to save the sheep.
16 `I have some other sheep which are not with these sheep. I must bring them also. They will listen to my voice. (John 10 : 14-16)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

the glacial stairway

be it writeup or whatever, something about today makes me obsessed with lyricism, with re-writing, with beauty

about how it is freezing inside and suntan worthy outside

this review of a new collection is one of the prettiest paeans i ever heard. and the lines themselves justify the equally elegiac love poetry to the poetry

and yes, i know, i should be analysing electrolytes

imbalance, is all it is

"an impressive collection from a sculptor of light" i want to sculpt light, too. "Unsustainable light, discontinuous song, unpayable debt"
"couplets that shine like desert sun on barbed wire". tuscany poetry? count me in. "luxuriously empty air" Paradisal sight, which extends to infinity, / Arcades, stars, shadows, the eyes staring through us.

on the pyrenees, the poet writes
forward and upwards to life on the crystal blocks!
the skies here are never less than total


THE SHAMPOO Elizabeth Bishop

The still explosions on the rocks,
the lichens, grow
by spreading, gray, concentric shocks.
They have arranged
to meet the rings around the moon, although
within our memories they have not changed.

And since the heavens will attend
as long on us,
you've been, dear friend,
precipitate and pragmatical;
and look what happens. For Time is
nothing if not amenable.

The shooting stars in your black hair
in bright formation
are flocking where,
so straight, so soon?
-- Come, let me wash it in this big tin basin,
battered and shiny like the moon.

actually, i have no idea what it means
but it's pretty
poetry is free therapy for the neurones

eating the salmon of knowledge from tins

poem for a birthday
by Douglas Dunn

I still can't get over that lousy conjurer,
All thirty quids' worth of rank incompetence.
It wasn't yesterday. Eleven years since,
Almost to the hour. That slipshod sorcerer,

Butter-fingered wizard … Remember, when
No kids applauded as each trick misfired,
And he didn't notice? Then did it again,
Again, and laughed it off, tittered, perspired,

Wiping his brow, until his grand finale
When the white rabbit shat on his shaking hand,
And made a break for it? Don't shillyshally,
Bunny-boy. Run for it. We'll understand.

You deserve a magician. We all do.
And that fake pencil-line moustache, which fell off?
Don't be like him. Just you be true to you.
Do what you do, my son. It'll be enough.

never has there been such a brilliance of unmagical magic. it is in the negative space, that the chair-legs take form

"Had I not been awake I would have missed it"

i love this line "you deserve a magician. we all do"

and no i am not referring to the two i know ;p everyone needs everyday magic, i think
some spark, somewhere

some password that goes through when you wait long enough
the locked doors that open through wishing and waiting

lean forward and put a finger/on where you think the dream is - my life asleep, jo shapcott

what is poetry but little fragments of happiness - not complete tomes, but little shards. when dreams splinter, you knit them together. when the crystal ball is pawned to the local jeweller, you need a new method of fortune-telling

a new mythology

greece falls, you need to find new gods

(yes there is only one God, i am well aware)
but you say this with your mouth and you well know that you worship so many other things
why bother giving up your life for this
poetry requires no sacrifice
the words fall at your feet like sparks from firewood
arcing through the air
free birds

i only watch reruns now
or films about geese,
and yet i'm waiting for the miracle
i used to find in early black and white

- john burnside, late show

i guess this entry is a homage to the rainbow of poetry that makes me happy on this sunny saturday morning
i feel like reading larkin

Friday, November 18, 2011

moon that embraces the sun

wow really sian ++

in lounge doing writeup. fair call last night i guess, 1 respi 1 endo 1 neuro case. there's a neuro case i could clerk later. just the general inertia of sitting in front of a computer i guess

memorable things about call
the pts mum was annoyed that the drs kept calling the FRIENDS to ask abt the nature of the attack "its unacceptable!" she said, but doesnt mind us bugging the patient/ herself/ family members. quite amused by that. how easily annoyed can eleven year old boys get & what ramifications does that have on life the universe & everything?

the multiple waits outside the icu door for people to open it for us. a good exercise in faith as our belief was usually rewarded


reading play reviews as usual, interval drinks is so beautifully written, i dont even have to watch the play, the review itself is so effervescent and illuminating, it has the ability to light up the dark corner of boredom in the most hardened post-call person

an except (or you can check out
"But by rooting it so firmly in time, the light that shines around the edges of the text is dulled. The play becomes a fixed, rigid thing rather than something questing and illuminating.."

"The stagecraft is impressive, blending elements of clowning and physical theatre with puppetry, and there is something particularly satisfying in the way they utilise every prop to create a recognisable world: a balloon and a piece of fabric become a small child, a coat-stand becomes a dashing young suitor, a picnic blanket and a straw hat create a fleeting yet idyllic afternoon in the sun. But while these shards of memory, these glimpses into the past, are often genuinely moving, in the favouring of the archetypal over the specific, the production is self-limiting. Mrs Benjamin, the woman who is both the absence and the presence at the centre of the piece, is not so much an individual as a portrait of every aging person whose sun-flecked past has faded to grey."

"The performers spend a very long time establishing that it is the house itself that is telling the story: so we see the floor getting overexcited at the memory of the hoover, while the chimney alternates between soot-clogged coughing and minor flirtations with the front row."

i like the bit about the chimney. HAHAHA. and the over-excited floor.

well i suppose, on the balance, it's mostly cos when you really seriously consider something, you think more seriously about the ramifications of everything. i never considered internal medicine in ttsh before going there, so i really cant be bothered what they thought of me. but i do think that our cardio tutor was the most unassuming, enthusiastic, kind and friendly fellow ever. hello he wishes us happy birthdays on fb and reads my poems! wow. and he was for ever contacting us for tutorials at random times of the day. our neuro tutor has actually won a best tutor award so yeah selfexplainatory. even though we didnt see him super a lot, he was clearly always bursting with love for teaching/ neuro, and clearly is extremely pro at what he does. and the ward reg who was only in my ward for 3 days really went over and above with giving us so many mini-cexes and good feedback. i wonder when medicine results are coming out, i hope i do deccently hahah

but yeah, reccently, just been really stressed because i feel like everything i do, can have so many consequences. and i feel like i have not evolved enough to deal with human beings in a professional manner. i feel like i dont have enough knowledge & i dont know how to fix it. sigh. but somehow sometimes it's allright. i dont know if it's completely ALL allright, yet, i guess that's something to reflect on at the end of the posting. i just realise that i dont deal with things in a coolly detached, professional enough manner as i would like to, and when i try to do so, i find that i have no reserves/ experience/ inner ability to do so. it's like trying rock-climbing for the first time. which is pretty disturbing

but equinamity comes with ability i guess, false confidence is of absolutely no use nor benefit

okay going to finish up writeup, try to do some ward stuffs, clerk a nephrotic syndrome & buy banana cake from bengawan solo. MY NEWEST OBSESSION!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

a poem a day

Wow life is getting hectic, and lots to think about. Am i suited for this? Who knows! Haha. I cant really stretch myself further even though i can see the improvements to be made. Strange feeling... I sometimes feel like giving up but then i feel unease soo i guess its not meant to be fortunetelling, this. Im just glad to have sth to aspire to and to motivate me, what is life without dreams yea?

- unexpectedly enthused and energetic tutors that bring life to a dull sleepy day haha i really enjoyed today's tut!!
- the little girl who when asked abt her meds, said "im scared u wont understand!" me "HAHA dont worry im sure ill understand a few!!" she starts naming and... I rly dunno haaha
then later when clerking the next pt "tugtug" *why are u the only one sitting down!* to guansen "u shld sit down too! My mummy says its bad for posture!
Then she sat chatting to us, swinging her legs and holding a teddy bear
wow saccharine overdose. Hee
- today doing pe, thought the kid said painful but actually he was asking if i have facebook!
- cg mate just before starting examination, leaves the room muttering "i need to get my alcohol!"
LOL he meant handrub
- waiting til 7+ for a pt, and after dinner they escaped from me!! I find it quite funny actually heh
esp since.. I want to observe the gait, so if he keeps walking back & forth.. But i wld have loved to talk to him, looks like sucha sweet lil boy


- my chronic irresponsibility, inability to plan or think logically

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

on eagles wings

"you did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you"
John 15:16

comforting words yo

and some slightly less comforting ones, reminding one that it isn't exactly a free lunch; you gotta sing for your supper

"stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning, and be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from the wedding feast, so that they may open to door to him at once when he comes and knocks. Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes"
Luke 12:35-37

PHAIL, UTTER PHAIL. on the bright side i dont think being unprepared for an exam equates to being spiritually unprepared. i just happen to be equally inept in both reams, is all.

and finally
"He said to them 'Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you'"
matthew 17:20


kk paeds is OVER!! i really enjoy the part where, we clear out our lockers, hand up all the forms & attendance sheets & cards, and walk out freely of the hospital, knowing there is nothing pressing to do the next day. it's like my cg mate said, in UTTER JOY after gen med; LOOK THERE IS NOTHING ON MY PHONE CALENDAR!! yeahhh man tell me about it!

but, i guess i feel rather unfinished here. i could definitely work there, it's a rather nice place. i like all the kiddy decorations everywhere; bright colors; goodness, i like all the kids! let's face it, we all know med school can definitely get tiring/ depressing/ dull. doing the same thing everyday, trawling the wards only to come up with asthma, runny nose... blahblah... it's not really exciting, even for the most hard-core-paeds-gunner. which i ASPIRE to be, but not sure if i succeeded ;p

but THE KIDS. the cute chubby things toddling around everywhere, being bounced in their parents' arms, smiling and waving and vocalizing. it's just SO FREAKING CUTE. they never fail to make my day, even on the worst days. you know some of these kids, have really ugh diseases, but even so, some of them are so uncomphrehensive, at one month old etc, just lying on their backs, now smiling now crying, appeased by angry birds and teddy bears

i dont think i can ever fully put into words the magic of hanging around small children, or how much i enjoy it, and how much i really want to do it forever. as i dissolved slowly during my exam, this seemed all to float away in lord of the rings smoke rings; i tried to grab it back, gollum-style... i dont know if i succeeded. who knows.

to summarize: the highlight of this four weeks is NOT waking up everyday at freaking 630am. it's the chance to learn how to play with kids, which i have actually never done EVER in my life.

i think it's been a bit thin on the actual medical knowledge to be perfectly honest, which is something i regret. on one hand, it's not my fault my tutors kept going on leave & portfolio, etc etc, not counting portfolio week & nuhs lectures week we did technically have 3/week HAHAHA and if you count paeds surg + neonatology i'm good. but if you dont then ARGH I AM SO SORRY GUYS. trust me that i feel it just as keenly, if not perhaps, 100x more keenly than you guys do.

so clearly, i have lots to do in the next 3.5 weeks
yeahh! bring it on.

Monday, November 7, 2011

big bang!!

*notice, fangirling up ahead*

Big Bang just won worldwide act for the MTV EMA awards!!! OMG OMG. I didn't even vote for them, haha oops. I know this sounds dotty & usually I'm not actually a rabid fangirl, I just appreciate nice music (have you ever heard tonight by Big Bang? It is THE WORKS), but when I watched the video of Tonight blaring through the speakers at the MTV EMA awards, and the five of them leaping out of their seats, high-fiving everyone in sight, it was truly BLISS. It's like supporting a sport team I guess. When they lose *cough gd smoking weed* you feel bummed, when they win it's joy and celebrations!!

No really, I haven't seen them look so enthusiastic and blissfully joyful about anything for quite awhile now. So YAY!! No matter what happens, they won a MTV award!! Haha im trying to temper this to sound less fangirl so it sounds oddly rational

YAY YAY YAY I LOVE BIG BANG!! sarangheyo oppa~ :):)

just to share a great video


wonder world


the people responsible for inducting me into k-pop, and thereby giving me HOURS of happiness, increased productivity, joy, running, etc...

seriously, sometimes i think the greatest joy in life is to run out at 630am with your ipod and feel completely invincible

haha. nah, there are greater joys. but that particular one is pretty awesome.

on an unrelated note

i didnt know it was this possible to want something so badly... which is something indeed, coming from me. will it, will it not, will it, will it not....what i am just amazed about is that i keep doing silly stuff and still the doors have not closed. wow. that in itself, is something to be amazed about. i would give it all up to God as usual if i were a better human being. i hardly think i can expect anything from the universe, i dont even earn my keep by being a worthy human being and SAVING LIVES or whatever. long long way to go

maybe the point is to make me really want it

(uh... i have wanted many things in the past. i dont think it works like that)

today's sermon/ gospel was about the bridesmaids who fell asleep/ didn't bring enough oil. to cut a long story short, when they finally proccured the oil, the groom (ie Jesus) locked the doors & said he did not know them. the (bigger) moral of the story: we don't know the hour or day He will come

the smaller(?) moral: BE PREPARED

goodness i was STRONGLY reminded of my mini-cex which i was really highly unprepared for in every single sense of the word. & rushing there, without half my equipment, without the form even. gah gah gah. it's all material stuff, i know, doesnt count, small percentage etc... all that is not relevant. what gets me is that i was unprepared. and that really freaks me out

that said, being a slave to the material desires of this world (visions of dresses, bags, holidays to dream locales, indulging in endless movies and music) oh goodness i feel like going to a cave now. anyway even after chasing the papers and things... even if i manage to be prepared enough for the challenges of the secular world, i am so NOT prepared for that of the endtimes.

so the being chronically unprepared, chronically taking odd ways to do things, that really freaks me out SO much. i dont think there is a second chance, when it comes to eternal life. we just have to live our lives properly NOW.

religious musings aside,

i am SO BAD at learning my lesson. how many times must i shoot myself in the feet before i realise. gah

note to whoever might read this: this isnt angst! haha just trying to figure Life out. and CATHARSIS YO

Saturday, November 5, 2011

thoughts on an imperfect science

i feel really random today, so:

A Young Poet
by Jane Miller

For begging beauty
one can hardly blame the artist

sleeping like butter in the sun
taking no action for action

some prefer being a yellow rose petal
I learned when I traveled

the young poet saying a prayer
is a form of panic


Whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. —John 4:14

The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. —Proverbs 15:2

must. stop. saying. stupid. things


also i really feel like reading an atul gawande book. if only it would drop from the sky now. except as they are currently doing something to the ceiling above my room i better not talk about anything dropping from anywhere

sometimes it is like ohh so sleepy so inadequate so stupid then i read long epistles of people trying to get even a semblance of what i have, not even material things in life but even just... medical school & i think that fine so i am nowhere near the bastions of excellence but IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER. pass = mbbs right


about my mini-cex i think probably i shouldnt detail until the marks are out hahaha it might sound too alarming or something. basically, i learnt a great deal, that would have been catastrophic if i went into the year-end exams not knowing. and that the term "a series of unfortunate events", which can easily be applied to many of the days in my life, is PERFECTLY SUITED for it.

maybe i shouldn't have brought those stickers. i LITERALLY had butterflies the whole day there, and RIGHTLY SO. to add insult to injury, the little girl kept taking all my stickers, so i stood there watching butterflies and hearts fly out of my posssession, feeling like my marks & my confidence were following the same path too. but i have to say, the patient & her mum were SUPER DUPER NICE. i couldnt have asked for a nicer, better patient experience. the con was like "you guys are experts already!" coz people keep going to them for mini-cex and the mum was like "oh no, no, i couldnt have done it as well as she did!" well considering that the consultant head-desked or rather, head-bedded quite a few times, i highly doubt anyone would consider it GOOD, so the mum must really be a thoroughly positive and optimistic and extremely nice person.

also i really feel like running another marathon to get rid of internal medicine + peds weight gain, but if i run it -just- after paeds eopt i might actually apoptosize hahahha


im beginning to think that love means nothing to me. its just now something i can give freely like a commodity or something. its really disturbing. either i just have too much love to spread around, or really i have none at all and imma cold-hearteddd person yea unfortunately i think thats it. boo.

oh and
i'm glad i went for all saints day. goodness knows, i have a mountain of debt to pay back in gratitude & thousands more prayers in the making

paeds in a new hospital next week: may i not screw up, and may i ORGANIZE MORE TUTORIALS FOR MY GROUP. crap. currently we literally know NOTHING.

Friday, November 4, 2011


There’s no no tomorrow
I’m stopped still from that time, that place
It’s the last, lingering moment
Although for you, it was just a passing day

Til you come back, everyday is yesterday

love taeyang's dancing! although random jazzy moves in the desert are... quite odd. speaking of that, jazz on monday! yay for public holidays.

a random reflection thus far:
i actually really enjoyed my time in ortho, possibly because of the honeymoon period in cgh hahaha. that said my cgh tutor was actually very good and we must have done the knee physical exam like hundreds of time for him during clinic. there's something quite cool and camaraderie-ish about the entire department having to report for the 7am morning rounds in the seminar room, with the HOs stressed out and presenting cases, with the hierachy of sitting position and the consultants publically grilling people on random questions. it's kinda what i always imagined medicine to be like, so it was pretty awesome. i don't think i've ever experienced that in any other posting to date!

and i think my whole cg knows exactly WHAT i miss about cgh ;p and no, it is nottt mr bean. we also got to try out the whole gowning-up for theatre thing at our leisure, which was good, although not so when we inadvertently went out of the sterile area once and had to re-gown hahaha. the indian dude chinmaya made friends with for the spine tutorial was AWESOME too hoho

nuh ortho! i arrive to find that both my tutors are in MAURITIUS. correction, one is still there, and the other picks up my call when in transit. actually i cant remember much about nuh ortho, except i felt that ortho surgeons really do love their job as evidenced by their collective enthusiasm at cool cases. and that one tutor scolded me for not asking enough questions and another told me "stop asking questions for the sake of asking them!!" hahaha. and somehow i feel that on the scale of surgeons, ortho surgeons are actually nicer than general surgeons. also, SCRUBBING IN AND ASSISTING WITH SURGERY when the mo felt faint and fled. SO EPIC. and then cake after that with the consultant and reg.

and the most epic thing about nuh ortho was doing the debate, i think it sort of only hit me the NIGHT BEFORE THE MCQ, doing thousands of mcqs, that i maybe should have studied harderrr. i guess if i had done one or the other, i could have done better in either, and starting internal medicine right after that weekend was TORTURE hahaha.

despite that: ortho still went okay! one mark shy of an A :D well assuming an A is what i think it is. i'll take what i can get! despite prof aziz throwing everything on the table and shouting at me "how can you be so stupid!" and not asking red flags for spine history taking long case, and not to mention the fire alarm halfway through the theory paper -_- i vividly remember writing neurofibromatosis as the thing started going off.

anyway good times! i dont have any major regrets other than the severe time crunch due to too many obligations towards the end, but it made me prioritise my time better! will reflect on the gen med posting... at some other time :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


maybe not everything needs to be explained
you shouldn't have smiled at me that night, you really shouldnt. you should have just walked past as usual like a ship passing in the night


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...