Sunday, September 18, 2011

long way

JYJ's new album! well actually this song has been out since forever but anwyway, their voices are really beautiful in this


out of everything, the fact that i suck at clinical medicine is possibly the most upsetting. i can accept everything else, but this is really... UGHH. well the only way is to jiayou :) guess i can look forward to being competent in the FUTURE (and i probably will, what with all this excellent training.) just that for this particular posting ummm i've just got to try my best without the trying being reflected in results. GAHH i'm so used to amping up my game and magically seeing the fruits of my labor. why is it that i can do that for maths which i hate, but not medicine which i love, i DO NOT UNDERSTAND. maybe eight weeks is just too short a time.

i kind of just want a normal mini-cex >< it's not all about the marks, i fully understand that btw. but my first one was a surg case and my third was a o&g one... furthermore i was able to correctly answer all the treatment, even all the antibiotics that i couldnt remember during the first one >< i got all 6/9 for the 2nd one which was a perfectly normal GI case with an abdo exam. so... it's not that i am not improving, i am, it just isn't showing. oh well. I JUST WANT 60% for my medicine posting and i'll be satisfied. partly coz i know i cant really expect more.

i would LOVE to say this is a situational thing coz i keep getting sucky mini-cexes, but that's too dangerous, to assume your bad showing is due to something other than your own incompetence, yknow what i mean? i dont want to be a bad workman that blames his tools. i can live with just being a bad workman that knows it, and does something about it.

and next week is going to be UGHH what with trying to hit 80 entries for case writeup (thanks for randomly springing this news on us in the middle of an innocuous feedback session ugh)


another jyj song! random find. i guess jyj had an even longer way to go than me. but they're also bigger stars to start with HAHA. also i just watched the part on scent of a woman where the lead character fangirls over junsu and signs up for his fanmeeting through... NEFARIOUS MEANS hehe. and also the tango parts of SOW were nothing short of AMAZING. why does that never happen to me. with LEE DONG WOOK, SPECIFICALLY. ;p cannot just be anyone man.

OKAY so the emo-part is overr
actually, its only difficult coz i want it to be. coz i have certain expectations, because my pattern is to massively improve myself every time i identify the need to. i'm sure you can imagine how tiring it is go to home every day and think OKAY I NEED TO IMPROVE MY CARDIO X 100!! YEAH! *pumps fist*... seriously, i cant really keep this up. it's a good thought though. good to be motivated instead of being a lazy slug yo.

that saiddd i've been having a good time thanks to the entertainment around me. and the fact that my HO is so relatable & so willing to teach (i'm seriously willing to just stand at one side & observe the team!! but she will always come over & explain everything to me). and the m5 on the team is just highly amusing for some reason hahaha and always cheerful x 100. although i think i kinda freaked him out on the day int med broke me LOL but yea the comfort was much appreciated. thanks hanyang. :):)

on the religious side...
erm i still kind of suck at this. but honestly i think being a good doctor is the best way forward right now. the best way to give glory to God is really to do the best at, erm, what i think he has called me to do. the best way is not to watch korean dramas all day long so i can be a happy funny and very sweet and nice to all around me. unless he has called me to do so. which... no, i dont think so. and what, me? of course i'm not capable of watching k-dramas 24/7. hehehe.

i'm in two minds about the me not wanting to go for mass the other day thingy SIGH why does right now have to be int med SIGH. so i went, and it was pretty nice, altho if i didnt feel so physically shitty the next day, and so emotionally shitty on the day itself, it would probably have been a cooler experience overall. no dont get me wrong, on the good side, it was a v cool religious experience, and i mean, i'm not going to see _______ much so i really like the idea of hanging out one last time (plus i did totally tell him he's the one going away so he gets to choose what we do for the last time). and i felt really affirmed on that day itself. i kind of felt like it was a mini-sacrifice i could make (i mean, how much really are we able to sacrifice for the Lord on the daily basis). it was even in the words "i make this sacrifice to you today". of course i know what that refers to, but at that moment, i felt this great shame. like i couldnt even bear to make this small sacrifice for someone who died for me. gahhhh. although, i prefer not to make sacrifices during the really short duration of int med (refer above), but maybe that's the whole point... if you can afford to do so, it ISNT A SACRIFICE. so, hmm. and thereafter i had the whole usual I AM SUCH A LOUSY FRIEND angst and i kept planning to make ________ cupcakes to say SORRY I REALLY SUCK and well of course life intervenes and since i am barely hanging on with internal medicine i think you know where my best-laid plans are going. i was literally writing the card in the MO room desperately before going. in fact that morning i was hanging around a discussion btw the HO and M5 and then i told them "eh i'm going to buy something now" and they gave me a really odd look like i was skiving hahaha i guess i was, OH WELL.

lol this is hilarious since only _________ reads this. DONT READ THIS, I HOPE YOU DIDNT READ THIS. sorry man i really needed to vent.
HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT and ENJOY YOURSELF & STUDY HARD! be a better medical student & doctor than me :):) thanks for everything ever. i think you totally saved my soul, a thousand times over, so honestly i am indebted to you :)

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