Tuesday, August 30, 2011

totally exhausted, but i know what to do :)

there is God's peace in my heart. i realized God really does send me an angel everytime i need one. tonight he sent annthea & guess what, my senior angela is also doing a posting at the same hospital. LOL.

the interesting thing is, it always takes me a while to recognise her. haha! i guess, sometimes it takes awhile for u to realize the people God place in your life :)


I have fought the good fight,
I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
-2 Tim 4:7

i want to say this on sunday :)

have started training, FINALLY. let me just solemnly swear that i will train EARLIER IN ADVANCE for future races. there's nothing like the prospect of COLLAPSING ON RACE DAY to make you keep on running despite a strong desire to stop. or being LAST. haha. well i think army boys who walk will probably be slower. this is why i like SAM better than stan chart HAHAH.

anyway today went for awesome hot yoga then went to meet manyun for lunch at holland v. i FULLY INTENDED for it to be just lunch then come back and mug, but of courseee (and i really shoulda expected it) it stretched until 4+ whoops. it was fun though! a much needed break :) there was also the obligatory do-embarrassing-photo-taking-and-almost-get-chased-out-of places.

now... i have to study haematology, allergic reactions (we have 4 papers to read BEFORE the tutorial), and the ever-present "study for mini-cex", also known as reading up everything and anything and getting something which you miraculously didnt study for. i hope not! haha.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


For what will it profit a man, if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life?
- Matthew 16:26

wow. i was just thinking about this reccently, and this was the gospel reading for mass yesterday.

... this is getting rather freaky.

this weekend i havent really done any work, although i pushed back meeting some friends :( but next week is going to be more social (im sure i will regret that when work piles upon me.) i cant help it though, one is my best friend from sec school who is flying back to the us on thurs and another is a farewell party for another best friend who is going off to uk to start med school :)

i've basically spent it running, sleeping in (a lot. heh), going to vote with my family, going to church (guilt-free), reading baking blogs (hehehe)

lots of chillaxingg, much needed.

the funny thing is for the first week, i was running around like a headless chicken, trying to read up for everything, and to do everything. would you believe, i have finished THREE CASE WRITEUPS by the 2nd week. LOL.

for the second week, i think i was beginning to lose it. i just had like severe malaise, fatigue and narcolepsy. LOLOL. maybe its prodromal for something... and i bumbled my way thru tutorials etc... ugh not good.

who knows what wk 3 will bring. frankly, i've ceased to care. no doubt ill try my best, but when your best doesnt elicit much benefit, it gets really disheartening. i've come to realize that excellence is not for me, unless i want to breakdown, ive come to realize that my inherent competitiveness is all well & good except this is BEYOND MY CAPABILITIES and i just cant do it. so if i want to compete and be DA BEST i just.... will try very hard and not be able to do it.

in a way, this is what i accepted in RGS, and it kept me sane and i did quite okay in the end too :) its all about accepting what u can and cannot do, and just crossing ur fingers and hoping that on balance everything will be ok. and even tho i'm horrible at chem practs i always randomly picked answers and got them right

i just gotta trust in that :)
yes, i know GREAT STRATEGY..

Friday, August 26, 2011


(ie deluding myself that this weekend isnt going to be that bad)
1. long run tomorrow morning!! :D i plan to run the 8k route around the mainroute and back, then add 2k more along the canal. good schtuff. saturday morning runs with music are always the best.

2. voting for the president! hahah democracy yo

3. starbucks until late, if it isnt too crowded. chai latte :)


this week feels like the most interminable and most tiring ever. it's just another day that i stagger home with grand plans and collapse into bed and dont really do much. it's just another day that i dont train for my 21k. but honestly, that's just for fun, i dont really care if i train for it or not. although i really hope i actually survive it... HAHA. i can feel the fats accumulating at a scary rate. but aiya i dont know, whether i study or not, it doesnt make much difference.

what pisses me off is, whether i study or not i don't seem to know ANYTHING. when push comes to shove. fair enough, i didnt really study the valvular diseases today for cardio tutorial.. but hehe funnily enough, i actually got the diagnosis right!! even if by luck. i dont think ill get many marks if i present it that way though. i was mostly studying GI last night... for the mini-CEX i DIDN'T have today.

realize that i am not really lazy or stupid. i'm just... INEFFICIENT. inefficient at prioritizing my time to study, and inefficient at the ACTUAL PROCESS of studying. okay, that makes me feel slightly better about myself. woohoo. but like i studied like crazy for the thyroid tut, and i fell asleep during the entire tut and i didnt volunteer to do the pe anyway... SIGH i just can't win.

goodthings about today
1) managed to present at ward rounds and i think i answered almost all the qns right! :):)
2) consultant took my case notes to read + sign (i dunno if this is gd coz i was rushing it in the morning...)
3) my HO and MO both took my 1st and second case notes to read + sign and were so nice as to tell me they want to give me verbal feedback about it (and i heard my MO telling yj's HO "she wrote so much in the column! i dunno what other questions to ask her!" which made me feel v productive hahaha)
4) STARBUCKS FRIDAY at ttsh. nuff said.
5) i was privy to a "tutorial" in the MO room coz a consultant was teaching another doctor all about polycythemia ruba vera. (in general, not coz there is a pt warded with this, hehe clarification that im not invading privacy :))

6) we tried to go see some pt with good signs who was not there... but ended up visiting another pt who was really SUPER nice, and had some other good signs which is really must see must know. and he was zomg SO NICE. he even gave me feedback like a good teacher ;p he was like "dont be offended ah, but you know the stethoscope, are you supposed to press it on lightly or press more? because i see all your friends press very hard but you never press hard..."
sin yuan was like "maybe she's very shy..." HAHAHA

and you know how everything is over we always profusely thank the pt. this guy kept telling us "jiayou! jiayou!" wow rly so nice. people like this make difficult times brighter :)

the bad
1) the consultant kept asking me about the patients on the other side of the ward (which i dont go to that often anyway since i usually talk to pts on the side my ho is taking care of...) and she kept asking me if i clerked them, to which the answer is... no. oops.
2) so i duly went to clerk one of the guys on that side, got interrupted by a nurse, another nurse told her to let me finish, i dropped my notebook in surprise at the sudden interruption and decided to go off and do something else instead
3) i got hit by the COW on ward rounds
4) i put my case write up down on the table to draw the curtains and it got totally wet, and i loudly said "shit shit shit life sucks" HAHA i hope no one heard me...
5) i didn't have mini-CEX today (maybe this is good. im clearly not ready.)
6) i stayed back until 4++ to wait for my friend to finish mini-CEX and the pt had left (but i saw another pt, ref above haha)... AND thus i didnt run today (good excuse.... no seriously i'm SO tired i really cannot get myself out the door.)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

don't hold your breath

today after a particularly ungracious episode on my part i found myself thinking, is this REALLY the best way to serve God, or is it worse to do this, and lose my soul.

but. sigh, it's just 8 weeks. it's tough partly cos of the short time i guess. it's a challenge to fit everything in & still be a nice human being, but i'll try. and pray that i can handle my challenges with grace :)

also my neuro project is getting published :):) what did i say about my luck always saving itself up HEHH. what else is going to come out of that angsty summer, WE WILL SEE. and what joy is going to come out of this internal medicine torture?! wow, i really can't imagine. nah i'm kidding, i know the universe doesn't owe me anything.

also, i know i have no life apart from medicine. HAHAH. i should meet up with nat/ sharon who are back and manyun who is leaving soon. how to la how to... BUT FOR THE RECORD, I LOVE YOU GUYS!! hehe

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

banana - g.na

This is sucha cool song.

I think im working at tmax. Or vmax, whatever u call it. That's not the issue so much as i dont like going in circles and ending up in the same place. Kinda like alice in wonderland. You can run as fast as you can, but it only keeps u on the same spot

Was supposed to start 21k trainin today but since i effectually slept thru every tut after the excellent rash and cushings tut during ward rounds by my amazing con, who is more of a pro ;p, just came home and was out the moment my head hit the pillow

ah well. Theres always tomorrow :)and theres always the wkend, and public holidays! And my neuro tutor really likes poetry as evinced by his fb. I wish he could be my boss!! Apart from that he is uuuber cool


a bitter day
it will all get erased like this
it will all be forgotten someday

i might smile when the time comes
but i guess i can't help it right now

even though the weather is great, my mood is not
i struggle becos of these situations i can't handle
the exact opposite of me
the world continues spinning as if nothing happened

you're living fine
it's not fair. this is unfair
nothing goes right

i missed the place where i supposed to get off this morning
becos i suddenly thought of you, i got off at a lonesome station

i cant do anything
even though i'm sad because im thinking of you again right now
even though it will be difficult, i'll keep trying to erase you

it'll be forgotten little by little
when time passes, i'll be able to smile and reminisce
instead of saying that time heals everything
tell me something that actually works

a bitter day
it will all get erased like this
that day will come

i LOVE this bit.
instead of saying that time heals everything
tell me something that actually works

Monday, August 22, 2011

supersuperman - super junior

there are some imperial students on summer attachment now. it reminds me of... me really. DUHH i WONDER WHY. in a good way la :)

even though life is officially WEIRD, i think im really blessed. i dont think that anything can endure forever. and in light of that, although sometimes things hurt ridiculously, i am so so thankful for the fact that, there has always been good things in my life. well, maybe sometimes i have to dig deeper than usual, but... it's kinda always there.

the road to anything can't be smooth. but it's not really always the journey that counts. like frodo and the ring. sometimes it really matters if you deliver the ring to modor or not, you know?

anyway just now the chillout session in the kopitiam instead of following the onzzz people who rushed up to the ward was nice. haha. i think my brain really cannot tahan the influx of information already. SUE ME, CALL ME LAZY, i donch care. well of course i do. but there comes a time when sanity >> looking hardworking.

also the method of imprinting cases into peoples minds by giving them mindblowing tutorials is very funny if u ask me. but i guess it works. also it prevents people from falling asleep.

to this day i will always remember david tai impersonating an old auntie having asthma, his thyroid examination tutorial HAHAHA with the how-to-check-for-sweaty-palms bit, and how he caught me out using my thyroid cheatsheet to check for tremors and thus magically remembering everything i forgot. and a whole host of hilarity which doesnt always have much to do with medicine particularly LOL.

like when the hand guy went on a tirade about being selfmotivated and pple who pop the pimples & don't and then stared at me and demanded:
"are you the kind of person who pops her pimples or who doesnt???" (ps in this context, its good to pop them. hahaha ortho vs derm ;p)
me, blurly: "... i don't have pimples.."

yeah, not my finest moment. oh wait, my worst moment was being unable to cut sutures in the OT!

okay this is random. i just opened my book to the thyroid examination & remembered my csfc tutor, who i rmb being terrified of. i think he's a pretty cool dude though now i think about it.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

it's like a crab at the bottom of the sea
an earthworm coming up after a rainstorm
the small leak that sinks the great ship

its something i can photoshop over in my life
a play i can rewrite a thousand times. it's
just another song that plays on the radio

so easily forgettable. it's not like a palmar
crease that signifies something more, its
not a red flag, not a white flag, not

anything at all that waves not
even a sea amemone. it will never be
as pretty and perfect as that

it will be forever the great barrier reef
sharks fin, becoming extinct shortly
it will be like the end of the world that
they keep on portenting but never comes

in short, it means nothing at all
tomorrow feels like a day
where i will wear too much eyeshadow

tears keep flowing and flowing [Wheesung]

tonight there is no poetry

coming at me at 100km/h with the force of a jetplane from the north pole
like a thousand frozen rainbow flying fish
like an ice-kachang maker gone out of whack
like an ice lemon tea vending machine venting all the anger it never got to vent
like an avalaunche of goldcoins
that turned out to be leprechaun gold

i used to think that some good would come out of all the bad,
i really really did
i used to believe in the goodness of the universe (lets not bring God into this...)
to restore the balance of things eventually
but the weight of truth tips the balance

life, you WIN

raspberry ricotta scones

From Smitten Kitchen!

on a random note, being busy is good cos you cant think of anything else. but then sometimes the busy-ness abates, and then you realize why you shouldnt sweep things under the carpet. thats the danger isn't it? putting all your energies into something & then realizing that apart from it, there isnt much else. ie existential crisis. i used to think existential criseses were essential for life, like when i went off to do playwriting & things during jc. i just needed to feel like i was doing something awesome & endless maths papers dont really fit that definition. dont get me wrong i like medicine & there really ISNT time for anything else but. just sometimes you feel like nothing you're doing has any bearing on anything else of importance.

like everytime i come across the word 'space-occupying lesion' i immediately think of medical students ;p no seriously, i think that when i eventually graduate i will probably be of some benefit to people as a HO, etc. i read in the papers that our generation is considered iGenY, ie people who think they can change the world by sitting infront of a computer. HAHA thats hilarious. its quite true. but... i dont know, its pretty difficult to change the world no matter what you do. as gandhi said - you must be the change you want to see in the world. micro vs macro. the norway dude wanted to make a stand. i guess he changed SOMETHING, notsure how good it turned out. maybe he shoulda been apathetic & been a WoW addict. or something domesticated like sims3. even people in the UN etc... how much do they change? sure, policies etc, but its so difficult to make a good policy. there will always be loopholes somewhere, look at GM food. all people can say is "distribution problem". that has always pissed me off in discussions about gm food. and you know what they say about diplomatic redtape and how all these international discussions just go round in circles. WHAT CHANGES. even if things change, not everyone can work in the UN...

maybe small changes etc, but again, not everyone is going to work in international NGOs, maybe people just want to work in a coolstartup near an MRT station & spend their evenings at clarkequay/blujazz, things like that. haha anyway, none of these ramblings apply to my job next time.

its true, when i was younger i wanted desperately to join Doctors Without Borders. but now, haih, i think that i can change things for the better for people by practicing medicine in this country as well.

also:borders closed *cries flood of tears* and i think i contributed to it by always going there and hardly buying anything ever *cries even more* BUT i bought my agatha christie book as a reward for studying so hard in m2... so... i did contribute 50 dollars. but that is NOT enough to repay borders for all the love, comfort, books, joy & happiness, friendship & companionship it has given me all these years. i have always liked borders and going there used to be a treat/ family outing, until i went to RGS, at which point borders became my second home. i really go there very very often, and now that it's gone, its like a part of me is gone too. maybe that's part of the random melancholy that has settled over me... randomly. i know that the book selection has been declining, etc. but i still love the atmosphere. everytime in secondary school i used to be sad about an exam/ stressed about projects/ my future, and even in jc really, i would always go to borders and read for a few hours, anything and everything really. highbrow literature, fight club, chicklit, science fiction, travel literature, diana wynne jones, magazines, cookbooks. i remember post exam ennui, when i didnt know what to do with myself. i walked in and read travel guidebooks and eat,pray,love, and walked out and booked airplane tickets to italy.

however, i know that my reading books & not really buying, like everyone else in singapore did; my using borders as a meeting point for friends & hangingout activity, is part of the reason why it closed down. i wish i had tons of money all at my discretion; i wouldnt buy all the pretty printed dresses that keep flying around my head like sugarcandy, i would buy ALL THE BOOKS IN BORDERS and let it keep running FOREVAH. but i dont have the means (does anyone. lol), and anyway, its closed now, it's too late :(

dear Borders, thank you for all the happiness that you have brought to tons of people for the past few years. i promise to help you clear your stock & buy books at your clearance sale; i'll starve if i need to, because if not, i'll regret forever at not saying thank you for everything. the silent comforting presence of the bookshelves in times of desperation, uncertainly, loveslost, unreasonability, is something i'll never find anywhere else ever again.

even though i didnt start this post off as a paean to borders, i think its pretty fitting. the one place i always walked through philosophizing about things, the one place i always walked out off knowing what to do next. the one place that perhaps, changed the world, but now that the world has changed, left it behind.

sarangheyo :):)


my project for august is learning the choreography for 2NE1's I Am The Best :) no reason really except that it's great stuff & there are tons of covers on youtube so plenty of material to cross-refer to. heh

and one day i will make the best mocha coconut frappuchino cupcakes EVAH. one day. REALLY

Saturday, August 20, 2011

edge of glory

went for street jazz today. it was a lovely destressing break :) we did lady gaga's edge of glory and the choreo is really classical jazz. exactly what plays in my mind's eye when i try to destress/ happify myself by imagining myself doing a fictional jazz/ contemporary routine HAHAHA. except of course IMAGINING is the keyword here.

unfortunately the front bit which is particularly pretty and expressive with jumps and things... they learnt it 2 saturdays ago... WHEN I WAS HAVING MY AWFUL OSCE. sighh.

anyway, i'm sure i can cajole someone to teach it to me :) i can follow most of the stuff except for the jumps where i literally start off on the wrong foot heh.

dance <3 <3

now i'm sitting in the library reading harrisons and feeling very knowledgeable, off to try and make sense of neuro by today. then tmr... take MRCP.
hahaha just kiddingg

Friday, August 19, 2011

leaning against time

Lately ive been thinking about you too much
little by little your features will be erased
I'll remember them and i'll cry again

On the bright side im studying more than during ortho and no eopt whew
bUT super no time to gym!! Losing muscle which is great cos girls shldnt have too much anywayss, but gaining fat at an exponential rate sighhh. I guess ill need to have another trans-europe trip where i walk all over the countryside looking for pretty scapes ;p good excuse there!

Watching the movie black minidress now, perfect friday :) also readin up on copd. I heart my life in the moments i get to breathe. Thank you God for gen med, i feel like this is the clinical experience ive always dreamed of and only ever read about


this is the cutest MV!!

i think im kinda 'cheating' with my follow-up patient cos she speaks english and is really nice, so technically an 'easy' patient. seriously, today when i went to do the daily checking-up on her and stuff, she asked me if i'd eaten lunch!!

which is just one of the things i was running thru in my head as potential conversation starters hahah my pt beat me to it!

really like following up people cos the diagnosis keeps evolving, from sth that i thought was simple/ boring to lots of new things im learning. and my resident kindly explained everything to us. actually i think overall for general medicine, the buddy pairing system is pretty good, like they managed to pick very pleasant residents who are very keen on teaching and YET extremely hardworking & industrious. and it's much easier since you arent so scared of them so you dont tiptoe around like mice in the background, and you can ask questions without fear of sounding stupid (since... you KNOW, they know you are stupid. lol). i like it so much (apart from the overwhelming amounts to study) & the culture that if i end up not getting on deanslist and doing paeds (also i might suck at talking to kids. which, since i suck at talking to patients in general, is not really a far stretch), i would really quite like to work at ttsh int med IF THEY WILL HAVE ME.

something that strikes me is how, when i was younger and struggling through all the maths and physics which is really not my strong point, i used to think that i would be good at medicine so it doesnt matter, as in that i was made specifically for the demands of medicine & not for the demands of being a physicist so i didnt have to flagellate myself for my inability to solve equations. WELL unfortunately i have found out that

... NO, i do NOT have any innate special magical ability to have the approach to fever/cough/chestpain/stomachpain and all the hundred different diagnoses. i dont even have the capability to elicit history or remember all the physical exam steps in A PATIENT WHO SPEAKS THE SAME LANGUAGE AS ME, let alone one who doesnt.so im not really sure why my younger self had such GREAT CONFIDENCE in this. neither do i have any sort of bedside manner really.

oh well. what i do have, is an inexplicable love for medicine despite the chronic lack of sleep it has meant for me since forever. a determination to become better every day even if i look stupid in front of everyone. and you know what? that's what makes it a hundred times better than maths or whatever. cos im willing to do anything (even maths, clearly) for it. well, except go home at 10 every night. sorry, i love running and things too much for that. but when im working next time then no choice la.

so anyway the point is, even though i have no bedside manner somehow i got a v nice patient & that makes me :D however for her sake i hope she gets quickly discharged la (haha the eternal what is gd for the medical student isnt good for everyone else thing)

Thursday, August 18, 2011

it's okay even if it hurts

you know things are busy when you dont even have time to document what you've done

BUT i'm having fun :) well, i guess fun is relative. it's kind of fun i think and intellectually stimulating, but a little TOO stimulating, to the extent that my mind is going to explode. i literally feel like im studying for MRCP every night.

and it's only been three days!!!

anyway basically i like ttsh cos it has STARBUCKS and i feel very happy everytime i see that

but apart from that i constantly feel like im going to pass out from something LOL
so i should go and tackle THE WHOLE OF RESPI FOR TMR'S TUTORIAL.

well, just approach to shortness of breath. and the hist taking and pe (which i am so bad at, im even worse than when we did our csfc foundation course). and write my reflections on talking to patients 101 (i phail at this. SIGH) and read up asthma & COPD.

how does anyone find any time to clerk patients again??? anyway guys thanks for dragging me along to clerk patients after the ECG tutorial today. i saw 2 COPD patients and one with cor pulmonale secondary to a systemic cause! and even did hx and pe!! really really thanks :)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

gen med

i learnt a lot today :)

bible verses from my android
commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established - proverbs 16:3

if i say 'surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,'
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is at light with you.
psalm 139:11-12

Monday, August 15, 2011


actually what i liked about this is how she keeps performing this with different rappers, all who each have a different rap. it's like 3 different songs!! and... jay park <3 does anything more need to be said?

also, perfect song for studying cardio

i remember

bang yong guk's rapping is TEH BOMB

love is a joke to me now
i'll live my life in a corrupt way

he's soo angsty in all the MVs but in reality he looks like the most clean-cut, innocent guy!

I LOVE BANG YONG GUK. and jung yong hwa. oh well. hehh
Stupid stupid stupid. Why did i do that?? I really dont like rain
oh well, if things ever get better, ill know it really was meant to be

Sunday, August 14, 2011


Gen Med starts tomorrow!! Excited and yet nervous. I can only hope things start coming together earlier, cos for ortho, it's only when I started mugging for my 2nd mini-CEX and the EOPT that I fully understood everything. So... that would be the last 2 weeks. Let's hope I find my footing in like the first 2 weeks instead.

also, my conclusion is:
i will document somewhere the things i want to remember, cos sometimes you are reluctant to let it go coz there is something you want to remember, some things that make you smile on cloudier, rainer days. but... i wont let this make every day into a rainy day. cos i think i already know the answer. bottle up the grapes, and one day take out the wine and remember how it felt to have sunshine on your face :) it was nice.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

don't let go

the best thing is the two awesome dudes that i got to know better out of this whole thing. i really wanna thank josh & sean for being very encouraging throughout this time. i honestly feel that it's due to fate/ God that I felt called to do this, and it could be because God wanted to give me two more good friends in nus :):)

especially for sean, who was v enthused about it and kept giving me advice even though he was stressed abt eopt, and who came down to encourage us before the thing itself. that was actually the most stressful part so im really thankful to him for being there. i think it's really reassuring cos he understands the pressures & joys and hopes of it all. or maybe it's just that he's an incredibly nice guy. i think it's both, haha.

and to josh for making me realise that debate was a false idol for me in secondary school, helping me come to terms with the debate-skeletons in the closet. and for his faith in God that really strengthened and affirmed my faith too.

all things considered it was GREAT i had lotsa fun & am only now just coming off the incredible high hahaha. thank goodness everyone laughed at my jokes!!

and ultimately, all glory be to God :) thank you God for the new friends cos i know i definitely would not have known them without this opportunity. thank you for giving me composure and bringing me through a rather stressful 2 weeks. thank you for ortho mcq and osse which went relatively okay

sure, i didnt give the points that we gave so much forethought to a PERFECT, FULL airing. but you never know, the more you say, the more STUPID things you MIGHT say. BUT NEVER MIND. really thank God that it went well at all :) it was an AWESOME experience and i felt really proud to have done something for my school. like... singing for my supper. HAHA.

Friday, August 12, 2011

be not afraid

ennui-laden philosophy.


hehe that statement is loveliness unto itself :):) never thought i'd come to the day when i could say that again

aim for tmr (ie, what i consider winning)
1. make everyone laugh (through my wit not through my clumsiness...)
2. make everyone happy (including the people whose brainchild this is, and the audience)
3. be able to still do medlaw after this(ie, dont mess up)

smart goals

main point= have fun

i know i will :) God, please help me tomorrow and be with me as i go up as you have promised. i'm sorry i keep asking favours, but i think this particular one is rather important. i know on my own, something of such a large scale is un-doable. it's not the large crowd, that never deters me, it's who is in the crowd. people who want a laugh, people who this topic means SOMETHING to. i want to please everyone, just for tomorrow. it's an impossible task, but with your help, i can approximate something near that. they may not like what i am saying but at least let them like ME and my JOKES. thank you so much - Me.

ps: and my sore throat? please let it be fine tomorrow ><
Be not afraid, I go before you always

my star

this dream, this illusion,
it's very, very beautiful
the love that i've always dreamed of
i know that it is you
- Heartstrings


yAY ortho is over!! Everything is done and dusted and sorted out. Logbooks submitted, looks like my tutorr isnt annoyed i ponned clinics to study. I got all 8 for my 2nd minicex too!! God has been really good to me, and honestly guys, ST JOSEPH OF CUPERTINO is an amazing saint to pray to (if you're catholic).

After the exam went with the cg to crystaljade and island creamery :) was v nice coz i've alwayyys wanted to go to crystal jade.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


If any of You lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5.

i think the 70 pages of mcqs... will have to wait until end of yr exams. lol.

don't quit

When things go wrong as they sometime will
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill
When funds are low and debts are high
And instead of a smile you have a sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest in God's love and never quit
Life can be strange with its turns and twists
And many a failed man have turned away
When with God's help he'd have won the day.
Never give up though the pace seems slow
For you may succeed with another go
Success is the failure turned inside out
The silver line in the cloud of doubt
You never can tell how close you are
The goal may be near when it seems so far
So turn to the Lord and when you're hardest hit
Put your trust in Him and never quit

wow gazillion more mcqs to go. i think at 11pm i should probably stop mcqs and just revise from lecture slides or something

you know what's really really funny, i was looking thru my old archives for inspiring exam quotes/ poetry (as evinced by the above) and i realized that, EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM I THEN HAD WAS NOW RESOLVED. seriously. it's actually pretty scary. that's why this thing is good so you can look back and see how things get better.

and just now i was reading some stuff from numbers 12 onwards and i realised something: the israelites were really whiny. seriously. every few lines they would say "why did you, God, bring us and our children out of Egypt! to starve! to die! blablabla". i don't want to be a whiny israelite. i want to be grateful for what has been done in my life man :)

and the whole thing about the promised land. you know, God intended the promised land for them. but BECAUSE THEY LISTENED TO FALSE REPORTS that told them that it was bad, they decided not to trust God. i'm not saying i speak the gospel truth cos goodness knows how many times ive been wrong now. i'm just saying - WOW, that's pretty scary actually. and it makes you think twice. but dont worry, i know after so many years what things are Signs and what things are not. mostly they're just your own mind doing weird things

it was really beautiful but, all things in His time

the funny thing is today something happened that was perfect (in it's own way) and to think that the time, i used to be all OMGBBQ over it, and now its just....like this. and i realise this is the best way & why i fought (myself, primarily) so hard for it.

things worth fighting for.
sorry world, boredom makes my mind wander

(i cheer myself on HAHAHA)

a bit of good - CSJH

all i want is a bit of good

here i am again, before an exam, wishing i had done more. the funny thing is i always wish i had done more of EVERYTHING. primarily, i wish i could run 8k right now, but i can't, because it's dark and because i should do mcqs.

i wish i had written more poetry. there is poetry at my fingertips now, but it refuses to translate onto the paper. yes i trust God but i trust gravity too. and morethananything i want now,tobeabletotrustGod but i dont think i can. i trust the earth's pull. i trust memory. i trust you which i distrust and the hurts i can never excise. i know God was with me in snow and rain and that i have no doubt. i have no problems with unhappiness, what scares me, more than anything, is the beautiful prospect of happiness, and the unhappiness that thinking about happiness brings

ok. STUDY.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

touch the sky

there are a lot of things i want to say, but i don't know how to articulate them

all i can say is, trusting in God really helps.

also, i have been wanting for awhile to pray about this stuff, but i didn't know how to or who to do it with. not that you HAVE to pray with other people but that... well... when two or more people gather in his name then, there He is, too. sometimes when i'm just praying alone i'm not sure if i'm asking for a celestial shopping list of graces, and i'm not sure if my sins preclude any of them being answered. i think He does answer most of them eventually (at unexpected times and places, usually) but i never feel confident that THIS WILL BE ANSWERED becos HELLO ITS ME who can't even manage to get a 5 minute bus ride home sometimes.

anyway the point was i really needed that prayer & i really needed to tell someone about my epiphany this sunday, its very difficult to explain to other pple and i'm still not sure if i articulated it correctly. but on a spiritual level... it felt like pccf. it really did. thank you so much.

that's all, heading to hospital now :) long long day awaits me

i'm still scared but as the hymn says, BE NOT AFRAID. peter believed, and he could walk on water :)

me: was it peter or paul who walked on the water?! (sigh i'm such a nooooooob)
xyz: ... well it can't be paul, since he was converted after Jesus's death
me: yes. good point. okay i think it's peter

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

to reach you

right now, that's all i want. literally

also, getting really fixated on the usage of external fixation


and... no fireworks tonight :( sighs

okay i will end the lame puns now

Sunday, August 7, 2011

walk on water too

all i can say for now is, my strength is renewed

i can fly like the eagle/ walk on water/ run and not grow weary :):)

why did i ever doubt? He was with me all the while, i know that now.

W- The Beginning (JYJ)

i think...i will trust, but not blindly. i will thank God for the rainbows & when it rains, i'll just hope there's an umbrella somewhere. if not... i always liked running in the rain. thank you for making me trust. thank you. if you were the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, that would be enough for me :)
God, more than anything, i want to believe in something concrete this time


thank you

Saturday, August 6, 2011

dancer in the rain

so, i DID finish studying for OSCE. Unfortunately, I was completely unable to show any modicum of the skills I managed to accquire before 2am this morning. Partly I suppose, if I'd had accquired them earlier, that might have been better. Partly I was just so nervous and frazzled and MOSTLY I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO FINISH READING THE QUESTION BEFORE I HAD TO GO IN AND DO THE HISTORYTAKING/ PE.

...but a good workman doesn't blame his tools. I am not a good workman but in any case I dont want to sound like I'm making excuses.

After much thought, I came to this conclusion: I will go down fighting & I will never give up.

very sleepy now, i spoke well today i think (as in on the entertaining side) but i have a lot to match up to in terms of hitting properly the big points. i dont know if i'm up to it sigh. there are big big points to hit. but this time, the other team really didnt even bring out the big guns (maybe saving them??) and in terms of logic lines, wow, that's really beyond my ability. sigh. i feel so inadequate :( but nevermind, at least i entertained people today. i really love it when you're spamming all your points and people are laughing at all the right places as you point out why people's points don't make sense. i'm not very good at making the points myself from scratch though, HAHA

and the BEST PART, the thing God might have PLANNED ALL THIS FOR is the cathartic osce-rant when we were waiting for everyone to come. I AM NOT MAD, I AM NOT INCOMPETENT, i am not a fool! after that i ceased to kick myself in anger and annoyance every two minutes

anyway, i'm not going to think too much about anything, just have fun man :) that's the whole point :) there are always clouds in life, but there will be silver linings in clouds (andtodayithinkisawthesuninbetweensomeclouds)

Friday, August 5, 2011

where do we go from here

lecturer (a dr i happen to really respect): so, what's osteoporosis?
me: umm... the bone mineral density goes down... the trabeculae thins...
lecturer asks the person next to me
person next to me: *spouts textbook perfect definition that sounds really impressive* (as i still haven't gotten round to the textbook today, i wouldn't be able to reproduce it here...)
lecturer: so, you see, you have to make it sound impressive, like you know what you're saying. that is, if you know what you're saying....

or something along those lines

anyway, i conclude that i should have bought jo & li's earlier. IN ANY CASE, what's done is done. i feel like i don't know anything >< i have like less than 10 hrs to my exam and i need to sleep in some of that time. i think this is the time when i place it in God's hands...

John 15: 5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing".

there really isnt any point in regretting cos, i did my best. it's not that i didn't study it's that when you read the books/ seniors notes before you know anything it doesnt make SENSE. now when i read it, i know the import of everything. i know why the differential diagnoses are such. e.g for shoulder pain, it could be referred pain from cervical spondylosis, or it could be glenohumeral/ acromioclavicular arthritis, or it could be tendinitis/ rupture/ frozen shoulder. all this is clear to me now, but it's impossible to MEMORIZE in the short time i have. I've been doing PE's and observing lots of clinics and seeing many new signs, these few weeks especially. I don't know if it's enough. Clearly, my knowledge is so far from textbook perfect.

ALTHOUGH if there is a foot case, i will ACE it. i have possibly spent more time in the foot and ankle clinic than ANYONE ELSE. bring on the hallux valgus & achilles tendon rupture & plantar fasciitis! and AFTL tears!

it's not an opt-out thing to place it in God's hands. it's just that, honestly, at this stage, short of suddenly becoming superhuman, i cannot finish it by myself. although, the next hour is going to FEEL like i am LOSTANDALLALONE as i tackle ALL THE HAND NERVE PALSIES *STABS SELF*, i know that i am definitely not doing it on my own steam.

brave girls - easily

today i learnt how to count vertebrae! i think i sounded v stupid though

me: so prof just to clarify, after all the ribs have ended, then it will be L1 right?
really nice prof: yes... no ribs at L1!

... i dont think i can be a spine surgeon after all.

prof: so describe the x ray
me: uhh... i see soft tissue damage!
prof: that's a cast!

oh i think the best is during the kk clinic sessions
reg: so show me where is the bone tumor
me, pointing to the PATELLA: i think this is an osteoid osteoma

he almost fell off his chair heh
so no, maybe no sort of ortho surg for me. not that i was really intending to though. kids are WAY TOO CUTE. seriously. i keep getting distracted by small kids toddling through the plaster room with casts

i want to sleep, but i have to study, but i should sleep because tmr will be a long day; my tutor is holding on to my logbook but he is in the OT the whole day tmr. HOW. HOW. my fault for not sorting it earlier as usual gah. and i am confused about spine as well as everything else

if i see the word facet joint oa one more time, i will CRY I TELL YOU. WHAT is a facet joint?! which facet joint! there are so many! but none in the lumbar spine, as far as i can tell? i am seriously now just going back to yr 1 anatomy & trying to understand the pathology all over again, it really makes a difference. except the facet joint thing still eludes me, but i get how the intervertebral disk herniates just outside the posterial longitudinal ligament

and i realize that my faith is like a CHARCOT JOINT. all the small ligaments just get destroyed as i go about my daily life & i DONT KNOW cos im so happy (well most of the time). disturbing stuff. i will REFLECT MORE after exams. no sleep for the wicked, or THOSE WHO HAVE NOT FINISHED SPINE NOTES

wed - knee, hip (hip fractures only)
thurs - diabetic foot, SPINE
friday - hands, shoulders

my song of choice for today is: brave girls - easily. it sounds awesome & i like reggae. even tho i have NO IDEA what they're singing about

on a lighter note, we were practicing the schober's test, which essentially includes measuring how much the spine flexes, in the residents room, and the MO walked past and commented "i dunno what you guys are doing; tailoring or something" HAHA. that MO is really super nice. the other day on call a super nice and enthused MO asked me to follow them to see some good cases (it was really quite good) then i ended up literally tagging them to their break in the canteen after?! lol i'm sure they must be like, what an utterly odd girl. the reg paid for my drink somemore >< and then they even told me i could go join them in the OT to watch them take out an abscess on the leg

Thursday, August 4, 2011

today you smiled at me
and then everything was alright


my grp has a presentation tomorrow on osteomyelitis & stuff. actually something i find really interesting! but seriously, right now, there isn't enough space in my brain to be excited about it, cos all i can think of is EXAM, NOT PREPARED, bla bla, the usual refrains. only i started panicking 3 days before the exam instead of 3 weeks. LOL. this should be interesting.

no seriously. i'm starting the prayers now. because. so doomed. anyway off to mug!

the funny thing about the above song by C.N blue is that the english version (apart from having seriously adorkable english... i love jung yonghwa but "i wish i could fry" is just so ROFTL") is totally different from the korean version?! the korean version says, well, "I Will Forget You", while the english one is, well, about crying in the rain. LOL. i prefer the sentiments in the korean version :) also it's soo heartbreaking when the girl sings it in the drama!

english version:

ONE MORE DAY. i would pep talk myself and post motivational bible quotes but... i think... i should just mug like crazy now, and hope i will be saved by God. because if i am not, THEN GG

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

even in my dreams

mini cex today was painful. as in LITERALLY, i was having really severe stomach cramps so i was extremely PREOCCUPIED by all the NSAIDs (pain-relieving meds) my tutor he was prescribing to his patients

i should have cleared it on monday >< i was even in his clinic with s then when s told me that we need to clear it by this week but i didnt really believe him until i went home to check the form myself -_- BRILLIANT

um, on the bright side, i managed to find my tendon tapper before going for mini cex. even though i didn't use it. on the bright side, studying for it was good prep for the bigger exam this sat. right? big pond small pond. everything has a reason.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

give me everything tonight

Today was good =) I'm really learning tons everyday. What scares me is that it's not enough, yknow like too little too late?! Hai anywayy today we had a pretty good ambulatory clinic where we all felt an ACL tear! and discussed patella dislocation. the doctor was like "actually she may not have it la... but never mind let's discuss anyway". Lol I actually admire that guy a lot because of his Extremely calm demeanour. Like you'd never imagine him running around panicking in an emergency.

I realize that I'm not just learning medicine, but also how to behave professionally. And these are things which stick with you really long. The way someone establishes rapport with patients, deals with difficult situations e.g the guy who really needs blood taken to exclude infection but who is scared of needles and who JUST got poked painfully & unsuccesfully. The way profs manage to have a great bedside manner despite shuffling between clinic rooms. And for myself, knowing when is a good time to ask questions. Hahah. It's a fiine fine line indeed.

After that, managed to catch one hour of spine clinic & told myself I would just go for one hour of shoulder & elbow, then go home to mug or sleep or whatever.

... Well, NATURALLY I didn't leave until almost 5.

LOL. So proud of myself, I stayed until the 2nd last patient! And if the last patient had come on time I totally would have lasted until the end. It's just that they were all in a looong discussion about AKAs and BKAs (interesting, actually) & the prof told me I'd better go first. And yep, I saw LOTS of shoulder dislocation/ shoulder pain patients, including one guy who could voluntarily dislocate his shoulder!! It was actually pretty cool, I can see why people do it as a party trick. Even the MO got excited (usually a good barometer for an Uncommon Cool Case). And the other day we managed to clerk this dude with chronic dislocation of the shoulder at the same day surgery place (in an uncharacteristic spurt of enthusiasm on my part. my cg mate looked SOO happily surprised when i proposed we go to the same day surgery ward cos usually, whenever people suggest this to me, I go home to slack instead.)

And now, I'm revelling in my newly bought jo&li's. I think I will have to eat thin air for the next month coz TOTALLY BROKE plus zomg don't talk to me about tendon tappers. Anyway, going to pray that I find the one i bought reccently, and hey it might just work.

Three more full days of study, then OSCE.
Mini-CEX tomorrow (that is, if I don't have stomach ache tomorrow. that is, if a miracle occurs. hey, you never know.)

i believe in miraclesssssss

in any case, very grateful to my cg mates for letting me go to their tutor's clinic today. although he thinks i'm really stupid for my persistent questioning on frozen shoulder. every pt that comes in with limited rom, i will ask: PROF IS THIS FROZEN SHOULDER! and he will groan and say, no, this is ac joint oa/ total shoulder/ accident before and just recovering. until he asked me not to ask qns for the sake of asking HAHAHA. but eh i got plantar fasciitis right when he asked! and even spontaneously asked the patient about the cardinal symptom, he looked really impressed then. its pretty unlikely i'd miss it when i spend hours each day ruminating on whether i have it or not myself hehh. AND for encouraging me to actually physically go to clinics after lunch. i was sooo sian & pmsy and i actually only walked in that direction coz i wanted to tell R about some funny convo i had with the HO on call with him on thurs but then somehow i got psychoed into going for it.

thank you :)

oh oh i remember this happy instance. the guy who doesnt like having blood taken actually waved to me the other day quite happily haha! it was just pretty nice cos, hm i don't know, i don't usually have like EXTREMELY good patient rapport cos i suppose sometimes i just want to get to clerking done, and i find it really difficult to establish rapport in CHINESE. or like it's a one-off hi bye thing. but i think probably cos the ho had great rapport with him & i was helping her with the plasters & swabs & things and chatting to him while she took blood (to try and distract him lol) & offered to buy food hed like from downstairs so yah. it was just really nice. i've never had a patient wave to me from a distance before, as in just to me alone (usually it's to a group of us, who all clerked the person before), then it's still cool cos like yay that's my patient! but it's really so awesome when it's a one to one thingy. :) ps i hope i'm not violating any privacy whatever here lol i don't mean to! just sharing sth which touched me a lot and made me happy for like five seconds :)


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...