Monday, August 16, 2010

i think i can safely conclude that my life is royally messed up. for a moment i thought i might be actually depressed, but nah. unfortunately, it truly does suck. i dont feel stupid for my blind gratitude, but much like all material accquisitions, the shiny new laccquer's more than worn off. thank goodness for terrible contrition as fr j told me i have everything i could ask for. so all my attempts at thanking God when mired in deep, deep crap, weren't deluded and uneccessary. so, i've made the attempt, i think it's time i jolly well did whatever i want to.

which i have been doing. haha. everything is elusive and ephemeral, what's new. i think time makes memories TOO rosy. but there's plenty more back there that should be ignored forever. life is pretty sweet right now honestly. the only thing is i keep regretting things i failed to do. not sure if it makes it better or worse to know that i couldn't have done anything about any of them. but at least it's not like being in a battlefield where everything i do seems consistently wrong. yeah. i think next yr i should spend less time thinking on this point and more time making things go smoothly. it's really hard though.

edin has been so good to me in many ways i completely forgot what it means to spend everyday thinking that shit will befall me constantly; what it means to not expect anything from anyone but keep on running with your head held high though actually you feel like you're being flagellated by a thousand jellyfish. i mean of cos it hasn't been perfection or smooth seas all the way, clearly. but somehow it just seems like it is underlying goodness. i can't explain it.

i wonder who it is out there, who can accept this thing fully formed, who has endured these few years better than me. i wonder who it is and whether i should envy, or thank my lucky stars. i wonder what i could have done better, i wonder if i had any more left in me to make any difference. i wonder why time stops somehow when i'm trudging home at midnight alone, i wonder whether i am condemned for the times things got too much, and i behaved wrongly. i wonder if all those count in the greater scheme of things. i wonder if i trust anyone anymore, or not. but thanks matt & colin & may for the great company that night, a microcosm of people who care and actually enjoy my company, without me having to make any great effort, is really really more precious than gold in times of uncertainty. thank you colin for being there most of year 2, thank you for the secrets i entrusted to you when it was too heavy for me to carry the burdens myself, thank you for remembering and checking up on it. thank you may for all the late night chats in the kitchen or our rooms heh. and the extremely spontaneous outings? and the baking exploits. thank you matt for all the hilarity which made my week, the msn chats, trying to protect my secrets (HAHA), and always being there.

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