Monday, August 30, 2010

i have this to say

Luke 13:24 Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. (NIV).

so yes. you have to try for it.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

i love atwood. year of the flood is so so amazing.

manyun's 21st! LOL she really pulled it off in 5 days. see it wasn't so bad, all the planning and stuff! hahaha. but quite stress, dont think i'll do one for my own. nevertheless, fun :) never decorated for an event before by myself. manyun, in the flurry of preparations "just go down and use your discretion!" the floating tealights were v pretty tho

the road ahead is not clear. its the expecting, and hope, and thinking this is it everytime that really gets to me. sure, nothing's perfect or unmarred, but that's the beauty in it, in a sense. i'm sure You understand, even if they dont, what ive been going through mostly alone, and everytime i cracked and told someone, how it keeps coming back to kick me. i'm sure You alone understand every single facet,and that eventually, not just at the end of it all, but along the way, there will be pockets of it all being ok, random flower-filled happinesses. yesterday all the songs were my fav. heh.

and the last - the prayer of st francis - make me a channel ofyour peace
i will try harder, i promise

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

.... because i think blasphemy is not good, i shall take this all as an exercise in non-attachment. maybe non-attachment to the state of non-attachment? anyway, that's shorthand for, nothing has changed and i still dont understand my life.

i suppose, HOPE is a good thing. yknow, without hope life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. no i dont think that's the exact quote. with every move made on the reversi board, everything keeps changing. so is it going to be all black, or all white? i keep changing my plans and aspirations to suit.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

SALT IS AMAZING. angelina jolie is AWESOME. ok, apparently there are some new revelations about her past or whatever. people, just watch the movie. she is SO HOT AND KICKS SO MUCH ASS. literally. kicks heads, too. and killing the guy when she was IN CHAINS, and causing entire highway pileups when in handcuffs? although to be fair, if i put my mind to it i could definitely cause highway pileups just by driving at sleepy midday in sg.

and jumping from moving van to moving van, keeping her cool and suddenly blasting away when the time is right. what can i say but WOW.

manyun <3! i hope she has an uber cool 21st but can she plan one in 5 days? actually knowing her, probably if she so intends heh. i feel so grownup usually but yesterday i felt like i was 15 again (especially at LIDO, place of our filmings and movie star spotting escalators.) and was nice meeting preetha again too! days of bubble tea and sushi and popcorn

soon will be starbucks with d, talk about being 15/ 16 again.... luckily with 1/2 the life/ r/s/ maths angst. in fact, right now, i have NO ANGST. WOW. what an unprecedented and rare circumstance. except the fact that i had to wake up at 530am to go for 7am mass, which makes me really sleepy and unhappy (the waking up early bit not the religion bit). grr. anyways it's finee coz it's sunday! actually since im on hols everyday seems like sunday lol. and the sermon was really good. although the guy just wants us to donate to his church (and leading to religious issues about doing business in church?) personally i dont reaaally suscribe to prosperity preaching but i think there's no way you will get CONDEMNEd for donating to church stuff. i mean how much you can afford to give depends on your discretion... but anyway who are we to judge anyway....

apart from the business stuffs the sermon was about some kaypoh or genuinely curious or guilty-conscienced people asking "Lord, how many will be saved?" and he said "Try your best to get in through the narrow door, for I tell you, many will try and not get in... When the door is locked, the Master of the House will say, I do not know you, away with you, wicked men! And there will be weeping and grinding of teeth" Don't you just love the language of the Bible for starters? It always sounds so grand and perfectly phrased. Even for a sobering passage telling you your life sucks and you'd better buck up or suffer eternal consequences. anyway i dont think they have much to worry about. it's NOVENA. even bangladeshi workers go there to pray, if they have miracles happening to them (which i tend not to doubt, i mean.... NOVENA), i'm sure they'd be grateful to give back. true that people go there to pray for help so likely money's tight, but sometimes they pray for health and these people could be rich, who knows. money can't buy good prognoses or good luck or stave off incompetent but smooth-talking doctors. furthermore i think those who have little sometimes are more inclined to give all they have (maybe, less to lose overall too? its quite sayang to give away 2 million) while people who have alot will think carefully about where to spend their money. not to judge i suppose. and i still want to teach kids sunday school. evidently i havent been scarred enough by how we literally tortured the long-suffering andy in primary three.... but wont be able to do sunday school til i graduate -_-

plans in the works involve treetop walks with nic and nandita! and vivo after! :)

Friday, August 20, 2010


(coz meeting class people yesterday reminded me of it... haha. koped from matt's blog)

walking into bio lab last year.. we find a surprise test on our tables..
ms hor: ok class! as you can see, today we will be having a surprise test! (:
adam: ok we're surprised. can we go now?

random morning assembly 2006..
hanx: Ryan.. your bag's crushing my bag
ryan: Now.. isn't that sweet?

[Chem lab]
MrTham: You guys must always wash your burette! You never know, maybe the previous user got really bad results, then -pui!- into the burette..
Elizabeth: He's giving us ideas.

[Chem lesson]
MrTham: Steric hindrance!! The backside too big, then cannot have backside attack.. ... you need to cleave it first!
Matthias: -alarmed tone- Huh? Need to clean it first?!

[Chem lecture]
lecturer: ... and then you'll see one miscible layer..
ryan: huh? one miserable layer?

one day, trackers and crossers were called for a meeting near the GO after assembly. matt, abby, eli are late for class...
mr tan: why are you all late?
matt/abby/eli: err.. we had a meeting
mr tan: joash also had the meeting but how come he's here already?
abby: oh coz we're in cross country, he's a sprinter.

(i regret to say the last one took me awhile to get. HAHA. its also my fav, and reflects the personalities of all involved excellently. LOL LOL LOL) ps abby and matt, if not for you guys pushing me, i would never have joined crosscountry. tho i stayed the longest in it, lol. THANK YOU so much for that :)

ts eliot- preludes

The winter evening settles down
With smell of steaks in passageways.
Six o'clock.
The burnt-out ends of smoky days.
And now a gusty shower wraps
The grimy scraps
Of withered leaves about your feet
And newspapers from vacant lots;
The showers beat
On broken blinds and chimneypots,
And at the corner of the street
A lonely cab-horse steams and stamps.
And then the lighting of the lamps.


The morning comes to consciousness
Of faint stale smells of beer
From the sawdust-trampled street
With all its muddy feet that press
To early coffee-stands.

With the other masquerades
That times resumes,
One thinks of all the hands
That are raising dingy shades
In a thousand furnished rooms.

You tossed a blanket from the bed
You lay upon your back, and waited;
You dozed, and watched the night revealing
The thousand sordid images
Of which your soul was constituted;
They flickered against the ceiling.
And when all the world came back
And the light crept up between the shutters
And you heard the sparrows in the gutters,
You had such a vision of the street
As the street hardly understands;
Sitting along the bed's edge, where
You curled the papers from your hair,
Or clasped the yellow soles of feet
In the palms of both soiled hands.
His soul stretched tight across the skies
That fade behind a city block,
Or trampled by insistent feet
At four and five and six o'clock;
And short square fingers stuffing pipes,
And evening newspapers, and eyes
Assured of certain certainties,
The conscience of a blackened street
Impatient to assume the world.

I am moved by fancies that are curled
Around these images, and cling:
The notion of some infinitely gentle
Infinitely suffering thing.

Wipe your hand across your mouth, and laugh;
The worlds revolve like ancient women
Gathering fuel in vacant lots.

this reminds me of lit class and adam. but there are only christmas cards at home and a small pad of notepaper so seeing as i wasn't sure if any friendship would extend to receiving a going away card with "many happy returns of the season" and a snowman... there wasn't enough space on the note i did use. haha. but there were cookies involved! :) other memories involve chinese crocodiles, not managing to blow up the chem lab, and trying not to be tempted into buying zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.

ps: i LOVE ps cafe. that place is so perfect for girly conversations about risque topics ;p i think i may be plausibly banned from it for life, or maybe the waiters know just to eavesdrop more at my table by now... that may explain the soliticious filling of glasses and constant parade of fries past our table. or maybe the people at the next table had just run a trialathon and were ravenously hungry. lots of warmfuzzy feelings yesterday, and iam hoping i get to be a bridesmaid with others all in the colors of the rainbow in bavaria! and i will make a michael cake for the hen party i promise! plus make the montage to that elton john song. <3 nic and nandita :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

just chilling at home in the middle of the day is such a nice unexpected thing. i think im just pathologically lazy. except its not rly chilling coz the aircon isnt working. IN SINGAPORE. I HAVE NO AIR CON. YES. it's ridiculous.

nearly threw away all my lit essays by accident. A or B+++. i need to be more organized clearly.

colorful things are so pretty. some people have elegant and sparse styles, read: good taste. well, i dont haha. i just like anything colorful and preferably with ridiculous patterns. i <3 polka dots, swirly lines, ruffles, etc.

just one of those posts where you reflect on the niceness of things to cheer yourself up. meeting the girls soon yay!!

michelle says: FOCUS. on what?? maybe on baking. i sincely hope i dont blow up the flat next year. i think i might have finished jumping through hoops, like all my trials by fire have finished to give a nice product. of perfection and utopia and things. but you never know. probably not.

but i know now, it's all in the asking. HAVE i grown wiser. HAVE i found peace? do even monks have peace? who knows. not all of them.

i think i HAVE to go somewhere exotic next yr or i will really kill myself. if i have to go myself i will. i just need to go. this stupid eternal search for meaning -_-
the tendancy is to want a thousand things to compensate for what you can't get. well duh. retail therapy yo. cept my budget and conscience here is limited,so that makes for slightly more depressing retail therapy where you cant actually buy anything, which DEFEATS THE PURPOSE.

i want to travel to florence, vienna, germany, wales, ireland. oh and did i mention greece, korea, japan, taiwan? and india, nepal, egypt. i think i need to start buying lottery. or maybe start digging for gold.

anyway,scratch that, i dont think the days of angst were as rose-filled as my hazy memories make them out to be. so no, i dont really want that back. im just going to enjoy the clinical years coz those days of torture were FOR THIS. ps i really like these free days with nothing to account for and no-one to account to, as long as you frame things properly. mind-storms come and go, but so it goes.

reading at kino yest - margaret atwood's after the flood - brilliant. and some more of norwegian wood. i love haruki murakami's writing. then went with david to watch adam at esplanade. the world is really small is all i can say. met abby and gerald there too! maybe when i retire from a glorious career in medicine (ha!) i'll set up a bakery cum bookshop. and donate bread to the poor. i wanted to set up a hospital for poor people but ah i think i'll never be rich enough. so nevermind. i'll just give them bread. and cake, a la marie antoinette.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

aurgh *stabs self*. honestly..... everything just keeps on going in circles. i refuse to change my priorities until everything i have is everything i want! REFUSE. i also invite anyone who quotes the quote "when a door is closed, a window opens" to spend a few days in my shoes. the hurricane of doors and windows opening and closing, as well as trompe l'oeil windows is a sight to behold.

sometimes i don't even know who or what to blame. pessimism suits me better. words dont mean anything. empty words 'it will get better' 'the good times are coming' 'maybe it's like once you turn the corner it will be ok'. material things fade quickly and lose their lustre. so don't even bother.

on a happier note... people i MUST MUST meet up with
- manyun
- nandita
- nic
- sharon
- rusydi

ps: baked cookies the other night. SUCCESS. :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

i think i can safely conclude that my life is royally messed up. for a moment i thought i might be actually depressed, but nah. unfortunately, it truly does suck. i dont feel stupid for my blind gratitude, but much like all material accquisitions, the shiny new laccquer's more than worn off. thank goodness for terrible contrition as fr j told me i have everything i could ask for. so all my attempts at thanking God when mired in deep, deep crap, weren't deluded and uneccessary. so, i've made the attempt, i think it's time i jolly well did whatever i want to.

which i have been doing. haha. everything is elusive and ephemeral, what's new. i think time makes memories TOO rosy. but there's plenty more back there that should be ignored forever. life is pretty sweet right now honestly. the only thing is i keep regretting things i failed to do. not sure if it makes it better or worse to know that i couldn't have done anything about any of them. but at least it's not like being in a battlefield where everything i do seems consistently wrong. yeah. i think next yr i should spend less time thinking on this point and more time making things go smoothly. it's really hard though.

edin has been so good to me in many ways i completely forgot what it means to spend everyday thinking that shit will befall me constantly; what it means to not expect anything from anyone but keep on running with your head held high though actually you feel like you're being flagellated by a thousand jellyfish. i mean of cos it hasn't been perfection or smooth seas all the way, clearly. but somehow it just seems like it is underlying goodness. i can't explain it.

i wonder who it is out there, who can accept this thing fully formed, who has endured these few years better than me. i wonder who it is and whether i should envy, or thank my lucky stars. i wonder what i could have done better, i wonder if i had any more left in me to make any difference. i wonder why time stops somehow when i'm trudging home at midnight alone, i wonder whether i am condemned for the times things got too much, and i behaved wrongly. i wonder if all those count in the greater scheme of things. i wonder if i trust anyone anymore, or not. but thanks matt & colin & may for the great company that night, a microcosm of people who care and actually enjoy my company, without me having to make any great effort, is really really more precious than gold in times of uncertainty. thank you colin for being there most of year 2, thank you for the secrets i entrusted to you when it was too heavy for me to carry the burdens myself, thank you for remembering and checking up on it. thank you may for all the late night chats in the kitchen or our rooms heh. and the extremely spontaneous outings? and the baking exploits. thank you matt for all the hilarity which made my week, the msn chats, trying to protect my secrets (HAHA), and always being there.

Friday, August 13, 2010

sometimes it feels like someone hacked into my life, and rendered it unrecognisable. which is actually in many ways TRUE. i really should stop giving people the passwords to do so. as in literally the passwords.

anyway! as my parents have been commenting, i seem to be playing all day long. heh. a lot of dance classes, meetups, bookshops... gill's bbq and sending rayner off (at 3am!!), meeting adam and the rather mad time yesterday at matt's place. alll my favourite singaporean boys heh. 4 doses in such a short time is really quite a lot but i'm glad for it :) as may and i lay on the couch clutching our stomachs at matt and colin arguing over the cam, i realised how much i will miss their special chemistry. HAHA. notice, i dont even say chemistry with me, but the two of them together create comedy gold. i suppose not the highbrow witty type eh but the side-splittingly funny type. yeah, that's good enough in a world full of uncertainty and shit. give me that any day. NO MORE OF THAT FOR ONE YEAR. arghhh. colin will undoubtedly live in rie but ahh no more friday night comedy :( i think the dinner with the over-helpful waiter was particularly classic. but it's a hard fight.

it's not really healthy/ usual to over-think the past anyway but sending people off has reminded me again of the freshness and excitingness of going overseas for the first time to study. hopes and expectations and things.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sometimes it Happens
And sometimes it happens that you are friends and then
You are not friends,
And friendship has passed.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself.

And sometimes it happens that you are loved and then
You are not loved,
And love is past.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself into the grass.

And sometimes you want to speak to her and then
You do not want to speak,
Then the opportunity has passed.
Your dreams flare up, they suddenly vanish.

And also it happens that there is nowhere to go and then
There is somewhere to go,
Then you have bypassed.
And the years flare up and are gone,
Quicker than a minute.

So you have nothing.
You wonder if these things matter and then
As soon you begin to wonder if these things matter
They cease to matter,
And caring is past.
And a fountain empties itself into the grass.
- Brian Patten

now is the season of sending people off. part 2, that is. it's like re-living all the anxiety of going to live overseas alone for the first time. all the hopes and dreams.

for some reason, i am posting unfinished maybe recognise the validity of feelings. i can't comphrehend why sadness brings joy and joy sadness or maybe not such a strong word. something more mellow. but there it is. i need a place to remember each feeling because behind everything is two sides of a coin. or something.

it is extremely hot here

sending people off has made me (not uncharacteristically) quite philosophical/ thoughtful/ the works. or maybe it's just these particular people that make my brain go along a certain train of thought heh. and other people just boggle my mind.

i suppose, for some reason, everything i never wanted to happen to me either carefully suspended itself in mid-air, like an inflatable castle of balloons, or crashed down with the force of a hundred starving lions

Sunday, August 1, 2010

i really hate having to go thru the process of defaulting until i can practically see people slipping away from me.

BUT i think there is some plan at work here (and reccent events have proven me right?) and i think some friendships are meant to be broken and some are meant to persevere thru everything

last sun was quite nice, bible study, confession, and a's party at night. then in the middle of the week - CAKE.somewhere along the way, i mastered how to play ave maria on the harp, in the middle of the night.

i think if all goes well i will want to learn it properly. it's the only instrument i have a smidgen of talent at. plus, poorly disguised attempts at prayer. when even words fail you, music remains. anyway happy thoughts.

hm dont know what i should or can say, but i just have hope and gratitude and we'll see how it goes


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...