Wednesday, June 30, 2010

waiting for the nhs shuttle bus is like waiting for godot

today, everything is heavy with symbolism.

being scared of mice and monsters, orange juice like sunshine in a bottle, the long bus ride alone. i may be late but i've made it. and i always will.

DONT you understand? the miracle has already happened. :):)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

just watched brazil-chile. i love watching football. ok, obviously not as much as the football-crazy crowd. but it's really nice watching the whole range of human emotion, watching the jubilance of the goal-scorers and how their teammates all crowd around them ruffling their hair and giving manly back slaps loll. camaraderie, and all that

today opened my eyes to a small miracle i was instrumental in praying for (i think). so, the past few months have not been THAT bad. SOME prayers have been answered, some really important prayers. :)

Monday, June 28, 2010

sorry doesn't even cut it anymore. i should have quietly, dumbly, accepted everything then. true, i wouldnt be happy, but then i wouldnt be upset either.
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

it's just good to get everything out.

short of making vows i will regret later on, i dont know what else i can do. it just feels like i'm in a crowd in the middle east, jostling to touch this man who works miracles. and i think i have to have the unshaken faith in him. you are healed, because you have believed.

oh i also love the switchfoot song

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
Theres so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see.. Yeah
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You) Ah-yeah

When everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before
and I've been standing on the edge of me,
I'm standing on the edge.

so show me what it is you want from me . i give everything, i surrender
what do you say, even when you literally go down and your knees and beg someone to stop trying something because of the hurt it brings, BUT THEY CONTINUE

what do you say, when you spend years on your knees, asking God to give you this thing (to end the suspense, hurt, recrimination, and basically FOR THE GOOD OF EVERYONE AS FAR AS I CAN TELL) but he doesn't give it anyway?

the God we want and the God who is
will we trade our dreams for his

- casting crowns, caught in the middle

this seems so much less comforting than ever, today. we cant stop now. we cant stop.

EDIT: OCT 16TH 2010
for every iota of angst i have recorded on these pages, which is best summarised in this post, i feel the need to shout from the mountaintops: I GOT IT I GOT IT YAY!!
THE THIRD MIRACLE IN MY LIFE. seriously. God gave it to me, He did.
i feel like crying out of gratitude. it's not 100% perfect coz nothing ever is, humans will always mess up God's plan and i'm guilty of that 24/7. But He intended this to be a great gift to me, the miracle lifting me up out of what i was mired on. this post, and the deep-seated sadness at my prayers never being answered, fully reminds me, on this random golden Saturday, of how much i wanted this, and how much I will make it work.

And if this miracle can occur, honestly. He can do ANYTHING.
Thank you God, and St Jude, Patron Saint of Impossible things

EDIT: 10th jan 2019
and so it transpires that GOD IS AMAZING and His grace is boundless.
Not only did he give me this amazing miracle, He also gave me EMED RESIDENCY (results were like out in march 2018 hehe)
I dont know what I did to deserve these miracles to be honest. HOWEVER, I promise to be the BEST EMED DOCTOR THAT I CAN BE.
To study very very hard for MCEM and mmed and never leave a single stone unturned. and TO HIT MY QUOTA so as to do my best to help out with the queues but still, to do my best for every patient.. To never forget WHY i stepped into ed in the first place, and how God brought me here (through a very very long journey.)
There MUST BE A REASON why God brought me here. For the next 4.5 years (since I'm now half way thru the first year), and of cos for the rest of my life hahah. I promise to do my very very best to show God my ETERNAL GRATITUDE to him.

mcem exam is in like... 19 days. it's almost literally an impossibility to finish studying. but I take it as a learning opportunity, and i will try whatever i can, to climb this insurmountable mountain.
and looking at this thread of gratitude and thanks to God for all his miracles.
i know. i just know. that God is with me.

Thank you God.
Thank you Mother Mary, thank you St Jude.

please also keep me safe on my night shifts, day shifts, resus shifts.
this work is tbh, not easy, but with God with me, I know i can make it through.
EDIT (oct 2019)
i feel that i should also add, that i passed my mcem ages ago in jan 2019 (despite to be honest not studying very hard, to the point that i am 100% sure it is purely by God's grace)

at some point, i will take mmed, and will become an ed reg. and hopefully somehow finish my chest tube and central line quota (well eventually a con, but it's years yet. one step at at time)
and only with God's continuing grace that this will come to pass. He brought me to this, He will bring me through this
i really can't believe that all those prayer missives i sent up to heaven, were really heard. all the way back from like 2010. all those times i desperately prayed before sleeping, wondering why the prayers kept remaining unanswered. it felt like sending ridiculous, pointless missed calls into a dark black hole of space. BUT HE ACTUALLY HEARD THEM ALL. and saved it up for the times when i REALLY NEEDED the help.

my thanks is abit belated also, but THANK YOU GOD. i will never forget all these kindnesses and miracles.

I will never forget
The moment I met you
The moment you called my name
Pulled me out of the darkness
Gave me a promise
To never thirst again
All that I ever wanted
My heart has found in you
I have tasted life
Nothing satisfies
Like you do
The fount that won't run dry
Nothing satisfies like you do
- Fountains by Josh Baldwin

Sunday, June 27, 2010

nichole nordeman

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose

Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am

Saturday, June 26, 2010

arghhh i need to start running!! everyday!! like i did in jc! i have SO LITTLE RESOLVE here to do anything but slum around my room haii

made carbonara yesterday!! for may & myself. and just had the leftovers for lunch. it was YUMMY!! *proud of self* okok. yes. assuming i go back on july 16th, i have 5 + 16= 21 days. so THREE WEEKS to undo all the indulgences and lack of exercise.

HAHA. usually dont make this kinda declaration, but this is DIRE. everyday i wake up, make my plans to do whatever, but instead of running or cycling triathalons, i end up oversleeping my alarm, coming home and bumming around. THIS. MUST. STOP.

Friday, June 25, 2010

just LITERALLY ate sour grapes. argh, shouldn't have written that poem...

notsure how much of that is true but its nice to know someone believes in me :) thanks

yoga yesterday was AWESOME. stanley's classes take the cake though, but not only am i not in singapore, he's in china anyway. but it was something approximating that. it felt good to fall down in puddles of sweat

started gravity's rainbow by thomas pynchon, it was quite indecipherable at first, and all i could make out was... um... the banana breakfasts (which sound quite bananas), and some... rockets, or bombs, or something. and a really promiscuous dude named slothrop, who is being trailed?? he makes promiscuity sound good actually. after not being able to make head or tail of anything (clearly i phail and am extremely unliterary lol) decided to focus on the little pockets of shimmering descriptions between the random bits about Achtung and governments and surveillance, despite the fact that i didn't really know what was going ON. it becomes more and more understandable after re-reading bits though. i'm impressed. can't wait for 5pm to come so i can continue :)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
Reccently I also read The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, about Lisabeth Salander who is grieviously misunderstood. Her dad is a Soviet spy who seeks asylum in Sweden, sending the special forces into a tailspin. They all risk everything to keep him safe from Soviets trying to finish him off, and cover-up all his misdeeds, of which there are many. For one, he keeps beating his wife, once until she was brain-damaged. It's a rather gritty, adult book which I'm glad I read when I was twenty not fifteen...

Anyway so his daughter was obviously spitting mad, and tried to burn him in his car but didn't succeed. The special forces within the special forces - SAPO, committed her to an asylum at the age of 12. She managed to make friends with a lawyer who got her out and became her guardian. Then she did some cool stuff (the 1st two books of the trilogy, which I haven't read) with her fantastic hacker skillz. Then she found out inadvertently where her dad was staying, tracked him down and tried to kill him. Unfortunately her half-brother, who is unable to feel pain, and crazily strong, was with him, and doing his bidding in some... smuggling? some illegal thing anyway. They both overpower her and shoot her and bury her. Somehow, she surives THAT and the story opens as she is taken to hospital and goes into surgery.

The amazing thing is how the guy can have a story where one of the protagonists spends most of the time in an isolated hospital room?! This is only made possible by a journalist, Michael Blomkvist. He worked with Lisabeth before, knows her history and works tirelessly to plead her innocence. He works for the publication Millenium, and will publish an expose of the cover-up done by the special forces. He gets his sister to be Lisabeth's lawyer, gets the doctor to give her her Palm, gets a janitor to put a phone in an air vent so she can get internet, and writes the expose. This guy is really cool. Lisabeth kind of likes him, I think, but he's with another woman, Erika, who is actually married, and the editor in chief of Millenium magazine. He works against the media who publish all sorts of untruths about Lisabeth, and manage to stir up public dislike for her and paint her as a criminal responsible for deaths - actually done by her half-brother.

The special forces people run around like headless chickens. There is a glorious amount of intrigue, as people tail each other. Another division of the special forces, not knowing about the special special forces, starts to hunt around to find who's responsible for this. They bump into Blomkvist who is everywhere related to the case, some cross-tailing ensues, and after a bit they are all on the same side. Lisabeth's father is in the same hospital as her, and can walk! This is freaky as he doesnt feel too positively towards her (who managed to shoot him, even with terrible head wounds). An ex special special forces president dying of cancer, comes into the hospital, shoots the father, as he is so annoyed he has spent his entire life trying to cover up his mistakes. Everyone goes into a real tizzy.

Eventually Lisabeth with her hacker skills hacks into like. EVERYONE'S computer, and all the evidence is given at trial, shaming the psychiatrist who wrote an evaluation without ever even meeting her. He even has an evil name - Dr Teleborian. She even manages to find who is sending hate mail to Erika, who decamped to a major newspaper. That's big of her, since she's competing directly with Erika for Michael. And justice is restored, huzzah.

The intrigue makes this a fun ride, coupled with the coolness of Lisabeth. She just has this... edge to her, but from her online interactions with people, is clearly a relatively good person. Michael also brings out the softer side of her. All the spies and their inner workings are described in great detail, as well as the way journalistic magazines work. The secret forces isn't depicted as too bright = they seem to be always scrambling around, and fixing their mistakes every which way. But you kind of know where they're coming from. It's just fun to have an unorthodox heroine, and unorthodox hero too - Michael isn't particularly well-built or smart, just quite resourceful, loyal to Lisabeth, and really persistent. They don't even have a cliched love story. Definitely reccommended.

This is FUN. Another book is The Death of Achilles by Boris Akunin. Erast Fandorin arives home in Russia from some time in Japan. His old friend is found DEAD. He tries to investigate, and somehow gets embroiled in a life-or-death duel with the friend's retinue of officers and soldiers. It's something like Russian Roulette, I believe. He miraculously SURVIVES. The reason for this is that the general died in the bed of a whore, which is really embarrassing and they don't want it to get out in public. Fandorin meets with the woman, who sings at a restaurant most nights. She is fantastically pretty, slight, and full of charms.

Another pretty woman comes to find Fandorin; it transpires she was the general's WIFE (?) and he was murdered because of a SUITCASE. Fandorin does some sleuthing, and traces the stolen suitcase to Little Micah, the leader of organized crime. He goes to a sleazy bar, with his old boss and his Japanese sidekick. They kill the old boss, thinking it was Fandorin. Eventually he overpowers Little Micah and gets the suitcase back to headquarters - where an unobstrusive uniformed man takes the suitcase (with lots of money in it) away, fooling the Japanese sidekick.

(There are lots of little side storylines)

They trace it all back to this unobstrusive man through the pretty singer. It turns out that he is sponsored by the government, and had a really rough life in which he learnt the only way to survive was to be a HARDENED KILLER. He lived an idyllic life on an island but accepted commissions such as this. The general was planning a coup, and the government didnt want that to happen, but wanted the general to die a shameful death so his minions would not rally and rise up and have a revolution/ coup anyway. Fandorin makes use of the bad reception and telephones the man, pretending to be the singer. ETHICS. Sigh. So he goes to the appointed place, and tries to kill the man. UNFORTUNATELY the chief of police is in on it, and there is no backup, as the higher-ups do not give sanction (having being the ones who wanted the killing...). The Japanese sidekick saves the day!

Fandorin however knows he is doomed as he has just spent quite some time, trying to find out who killed his friend, but in actuality, his friend was sentenced to death by a secret court in St Petersburg. He leaves in shame... but miraculously all is forgiven. Or something. Lol. This was a better book than it sounds!! Love the twists and turns. And the Japanese sidekick.
Decided to review all the books I'm reading these days, so as to a) have an excellent excuse to read more good books and b) remember the ephemeral joy I felt when reading them. Also, mainly I want to have something better to say than LIFE SUCKS BUT I'M GOING TO TRY AND BE HAPPY FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. EDIT: EDIT. LIFE SUCKS. ARGHHH!!! *INCHOATE NOISES* so here goes.

Just finished Herland by Charlotte Gilman Perkins, and Ender in Exile by Orson Scott Card. Herland is really feministic, which isn't all at surprising given that it's Charlotte Gilman Perkins of The Yellow Wallpaper fame. They really did give us disturbing literature material even from an early age. It's basically this land in the jungle which is a self-contained world solely made up of women. And the streets, parks, gardens, fields, farms etc are really ingeniously crafted and well-designed, and well-appointed, such that everything is pleasing to the eye, functional, and so forth. There are no diseases, wars, famines, or any vices basically. (I did say this is quite a feministic book.) Despite that, the book is really well-written. It's narrated from the POV of one out of three men who hear the legends about this place, and scope it out in their airship (alarming all the women in the land to their presence..), then land in the middle of nowhere. One of them is a casanova, another a perfect gentleman who loves nothing more than to be chivalrous, and the narrator presents himself as the most sane and normal of the lot, also the most open-minded. They fall in love with the first three girls they meet. (Apparently, the girls actually planted themselves near the airship because they were so curious about the intruders...) The conflict comes about because they are the only men in the land, so naturally they're regarded with a mix of interest and curiosity, also defensiveness. There's a really cute scene when the casanova, after marriage, tries to consummate his marriage; unfortunately his headstrong wife doesn't know anything about such things (having grown up in a land without men..) and, furthermore, resists his advances. Then, he GOES TO JAIL. Poor thing. When I read this I could clearly imagine the glee of the writer in penning this scene. Poor guy. In the end he got deported for that. It was an enjoyable read because of the appealing way the land was depicted, the unsuccesful maneuvers by the casanova guy, which were not generally appreciated by the self-sufficient women, and just how the men's preconception that a land full of women would be paradise was quickly debunked by the reality that the women were getting along just fine, but regarded them as curiosities from literally a different world. Cute but too feministic for the romantic in me!

Ender in Exile is a reccent addition to the Ender canon, and judging from reviews, not really that well-received. However it reminded me of the first book, Ender's game, which I really enjoyed. For that alone it was quite a pleasant read. It essentially covers the time directly after Ender's won a intergalactic war. The basic plot of Ender's Game is that a child prodigy goes to Battle School, and he fights wars without knowing it as he thinks he is playing a computer game. This had strong overtones of the GEP programme somehow, except Ender is a brilliant tactician and the stakes he plays with are so much more significant than anything we ever handled. So this book picks from the outcome of the victory - the alien race, or formics have been completely wiped out, and Ender is a war hero. He grapples with the guilt from having killed an entire race, as well as jealousy from his older brother Peter. I really liked the conspiracies engineered by Peter and Valentine (their sister) on Earth - they are influential essayists on the net who managed to change public opinion and incite wars. Peter wants to rule the world (and does eventually become the Hegemon, the ruler of the world), and cannot decide whether to piggyback on Ender's fame, or whether that would make him look desperate and forever in his shadow. In the end, Peter makes Valentine write an essay calling for Ender's return to Earth, which freaks out other countries as they don't want America having the great tactician as a general in their military.

Thus, having won a war for Earth, Ender is essentially unable to come home ever again. His parents have a really endearing scene where they discuss all the eventualities, display their knowledge of their kids' shennigans and power plays, as well as Peter's burning ambition. In one part, his mother Theresa says "So the two of us, sitting on our bed, are deciding the fate of the world?" And his father essentially says - yes. It's all the more sad because Ender left home at the age of SIX.

The front bit was rather page- turning, then there's quite a lot of tactical waffle, basically about how Ender fakes innocence and childishness, as well as seems to swear allegiance to the spaceship admiral. He is on this spaceship bound for the colony Shakespeare, which he will govern. The admiral treats him with disdain - after all, he is only thirteen. The outcome of all the waffle is that he manages to gain the love and trust of the people and win his rightful governorship. There's quite an interesting bit about an Italian mother and daughter pair - the mother distracts the admiral while the daughter is pushed by the mother to seduce Ender; unfortunately the only one who lost here is the daughter, as Ender seems practically asexual (I think he does marry eventually but at the age of thirteen... not yet). In the end, she leaves her mother, who is becoming every bit as controlling and maniacal as her grandmother. The mother is seriously deluded with talk of happyfairyland, which basically consists of the world the two of them have, completely controlled by the mother.

And then - randomly at the end, after governing Shakespeare, Ender goes to Ganges to fight a criminal?! I think this might be better understood once I've read the other books (which I will soon!). It's actually the son of Bean & Petra, Ender's friends from Battle School. Ender lets himself be beaten up severely, all the while telling the dude the truth about his parentage. This was pretty moving (if SHORT) because the guilt Ender's been dealing with about killing people, and races were being ameliorated by his being beaten up. Also.. who lets themselves get beaten up?? In the end, the guy stops and Ender survives, to travel for thousands more years. He reconciles with Peter and his parents too.

Ender's Game was DEFINITELY a better book. But this was sufficiently distracting that I didn't do much work that day. It's more a human interest thing, and you get quite caught up in the machinations of the mother and daughter, also the cute sibling relations of Valentine, Ender, and Peter. Once Peter sends Valentine lots of articles to read, jamming up the ship's communications, as 2 years on the spaceship is 40 years back home, so all the articles arrived at the same instant. The admiral is rather dim, paranoid, and not very moral, so his defeat is quite an AHa he deserved it! moment. Nothing earth-shaking, but a pleasant read and a nice extension to the Ender universe. I'll definitely check out the other books :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

beethoven's tempest

is lovely.

(quell the tempest, calm the billows)

wed - dinner at shilla
thurs - yoga class/ contempory dance (ive paid for the yoga alr though, so i should probably...)
fri - cf?

i have to
1. analyse and screenshot 20 cases
2. read 22 MORE papers than i've already read
3. re-do my lit review with around 30+ papers
4. pack all my luggage, move it to SOMEWHERE
5. wake up at 6.30am tomorrow morning to go running.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


eli, not even I know how a dream will come true, until it does.

But if you just keep showing up, they always do.

The Universe


my favorite songs eveR have to be hallelujah (the one by leonard cohen, sung by rufus wainwright) and hallelujah by big bang

-some- things are looking up. the others? just ignore it. bleah
be mature, its only for a few more days now. i dont like maturity.

there is no place for tempests, nor is this a time to have twelve dancing princesses frolicking in the lake at midnight. maybe just the view of the dark peaks against the soft pink and purple between night and day.

Monday, June 21, 2010

ps: life, when will you let up? when will you ever let me be unmitigatedly happy, even about the small things?! why do i feel like its illegal to be happy, nowadays

i think what i shall do is go for jazz on mon, contemp on tues, musical dance on wed.

can you just realise that we are all just setting ourselves up for getting hurt. precisely what i hate doing most of all.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

eggs benedict and frank sinatra
lazy saturdays, waking up late but doing everything i wanted to, being able to make my coffee, girltalk.... life is pretty damn good :)

while i do mind some things very much, i suppose that when it starts to feel like the wind blowing against you is like hardening concrete, then its time to stop everything completely.

and as for some other external forces... i think that no doubt it would be illegal to be TOO happy when clearly it's not what i want. and that any dissappointment is inevitable, even moral. however, the endpoint we were all seeking out of this is: HAPPINESS.
and the unchanging things like bumming around on a lovely weekend, conversations.... i'm really glad they remain.
enough of angst. suffice it to say that i really detest the month of june in general.

just went for a lyrical hiphop class in grassmarket. not bad!! :)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

small things. really. thank God. its ok. STOP WORRYING YOU FOOL.

hehe. so happy now :)

do i get brownie points for this?? wishful thinking.....
slept for nearly twelve hours... although havent been doing anything particularly physically or intellectually exhausting, the tornados in my mind finally got the better of me.

mea culpa. i dont know of anything else i could have done, or anything else i could do now

the computer subsumes me now, i work in black and white.

it's not really comforting at all, even less so the thrill of seeing infarcts, or white iron or calcium deposits is quickly overridden by the knowledge that my joy of finding -something- is another person's pain.

but anyway, it's enjoyable in a way, whilst also being an alarmingly long slog. what really amused me yesterday was jehill's parting shot "its about hating the computer and wanting to throw it on the floor!" LOL from such a placcid, chilled out guy... hahahah

did i mention that jehill helped us go check out a bollywood filming at carlton hill. LOL

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Robert Frost - Directive (excerpts)

Back out of all this now too much for us,
Back in a time made simple by the loss
Of detail, burned, dissolved, and broken off

I have kept hidden in the instep arch
Of an old cedar at the waterside
A broken drinking goblet like the Grail
Under a spell so the wrong ones can't find it,
So can't get saved, as Saint Mark says they mustn't.
(I stole the goblet from the children's playhouse.)
Here are your waters and your watering place.
Drink and be whole again beyond confusion.
The Ghazal of What Hurt
by Peter Cole

Pain froze you, for years—and fear—leaving scars.
But now, as though miraculously, it seems, here you are

walking easily across the ground, and into town
as though you were floating on air, which in part you are,

or riding a wave of what feels like the world's good will—
though helped along by something foreign and older than you are

and yet much younger too, inside you, and so palpable
an X-ray, you're sure, would show it, within the body you are,

not all that far beneath the skin, and even in
some bones. Making you wonder: Are you what you are—

with all that isn't actually you having flowed
through and settled in you, and made you what you are?

The pain was never replaced, nor was it quite erased.
It's memory now—so you know just how lucky you are.

You didn't always. Were you then? And where's the fear?
Inside your words, like an engine? The car you are?!

Face it, friend, you most exist when you're driven
away, or on—by forms and forces greater than you are.
time travelling machine, anyone? i need to go back 2000 years
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.

i think there are some things i just gotta do. and try not to think, or hope, or stake faith on flamingoes.

1. say the rosary
2. pack my room
3. do the lit review (aaaaaargh)
4. shower
5. laundry

really banal things. MUST.

the cloak. the cloak.

maybe if it's so hard, i shouldnt have embarked on it. maybe if i had TRULY put my trust in God, i wouldnt have jumped at the chance....

but that is just stupid.
even knowing everything, i would do it all over again.

it is when it most matters and when the center cannot hold, when ALL HANGS IN THE BALANCE that sometimes it happens.

i feel fear, no matter how much i try to prevent it. and there is nothing i can do about this.
just want to say, i dont know what i did to deserve my friends. just thinking of all the times they have come through for me makes me smile.
every day i thank my past self for being vaguely interesting at certain important points in the past.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

yeats - the second coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
Snow by E. E. Cummings

ingw Hi


(endbegi ndesignb ecend)tang
ofC omego




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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

stanzas in meditation - gertrude stein

Part V


Which I wish to say is this
There is no beginning to an end
But there is a beginning and an end
To beginning.
Why yes of course.
Any one can learn that north of course
Is not only north but north as north
Why were they worried.
What I wish to say is this.
Yes of course
Stanza LXIII

I wish that I had spoken only of it all.

LOL obscure much?
actually its blindingly obvious, and has been for awhile. when reading through my archives, it became more and more apparent. anyways, too late now. i love looking back at life. it makes you feel the richness in the tapestry of things.

I guess i'm not new to pushing people away, and I'm not new to the idea of sacrificing friendships on the altar of medicine. Why does it have to be that way, can someone tell me again?
Anyway. People come and people go. I really do treasure all my friendships.

I talked to R the other day. Good things always happen after we get in touch. Seriously. I owe that dude a lot. I think life will be ok. Nevertheless, this morning although I was running late, I just stared at the walls, trying to - figure it all out - I don't know what. Something inside of me has died. Something epic has ended. It feels like I fell asleep and missed the ending of a movie. In short, when I was releasing balloons into the hills, I released more than I knew. The wind picked up later and it went forever.

1. pack room
2. finish all cases i can by wed
3. start moving stuff
4. find a place to sleep for a night
5. start training for 21k
6. cook more

st pats :):)

made it for the 1st day of the novena at st pats, which was really quite beautiful. esp the throwing of rose petals. before that, went up carlton hill to stalk the bollywood movie filming there, courtesy of the v sweet indian phd dude who sits opposite me in the lab. yay! thanks muchly :) who found out the location for me! indeed everyone knows everyone man. wanted to get sonam kapoor to sign a lurid autograph for k =p but sadly they were all in acting modeee so no chance. hehe.

Monday, June 14, 2010

rascal flatts - my wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,

but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.

But more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

back, sleepy, stressedd

but heh vineyards & handel are pretty things. back to trying to rig life

Thursday, June 10, 2010

yesterday attached what no one has any idea might or might not be the wrong ct images with mri images. then took the wrong bus home, ended up heading towards portobello. caught wind of that in time, and ended up walking back via princes street --> royal mile --> library

(as in the library with storybooks )

fell asleep at a ridiculously early hour cos i was snuggled under the duvet with a book :)

today: more reading! heh i love spy stories. glorious run in the cold but my legs were moving AMAZINGLY.. after only 1 week of gymming my fitness level has increased so much?!

tomorrow: settling 101 things then franceee *praying it will all go well*
just saw some pics in which i looked really good -_- read: QUITE SOME TIME AGO. hahah

i have found the secret to happiness, mental stability, and (presumably) eventual success. i now know how i managed to pull off the a's. or rather, keep up my rapidly flagging motivation even in the face of lots of shiz. BOOKS. felt so so ridiculously happy today. sure, it's escapism, but it's better escapism than watching tv. tv is mindless and alll but. that's the problem. it's mindless. it has heart, particularly the good dramas, but no soul. there is something about the way a book gets under your skin; there is something so inherently soothing in going into a library or bookstore and picking out three books you know will save your soul. korean dramas are lovely dont get me wrong, but sometimes it feels like all they're doing is staving off the eventual fall; like going on a caffeine-induced high. a well-written book stays with you forever, you can reminisce about it, rave about it to people, think fondly on it, remember the calm feeling reading it curled up on the sofa.

going into the room knowing that you can come out with three things guaranteed to make you happy is just the best medicine in the entire world. it's almost like writing a prescription for anti-depressant meds for yourself. except - NO SIDE EFFECTS. (actually on hindsight: insomnia, delusions (after too-exciting spy novels =p), anxiety (cos haven't packed luggage as consequence)

or maybe its the endorphins from the run! yayness.

hope france will be gooood. argh so many things to settle!! plus random admin minutae.... then its back to really settling the ct & mri scanssss

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

from our daily bread

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. —Psalm 103:10

Not fair!” Whether you’ve said it or at least thought it, you’ve got to admit, it’s hard to see someone get away with something and not get what they deserve. We learn this early in life. Just ask the parent of any teenager. Kids hate to see their siblings get off scot-free for the things they got spanked for. Which is why they so readily tattle on each other. But then, we never really grow out of this. To our way of thinking, fairness means sinners deserve God’s wrath and we, the good people, deserve His applause.

But if God were into being “fair,” we would all be consumed by His judgment! We can be thankful for this: “[God] has not dealt with us according to our sins” (Ps. 103:10). We should be glad, not grumpy, that God chooses mercy over fairness and that He is willing to extend grace even to those who are undeserving and hopelessly lost. And while we are thinking about it, when was the last time we let mercy trump fairness with someone who offended us?

It’s not God’s fairness but His mercy that drives Him to pursue us so that heaven can have a party when we are found (Luke 15:7). Personally, I’m thankful that God has not been “fair” with me! Aren’t you? —Joe Stowell

Favor to the undeserving;
Love, when from God we have turned;
Mercy, when His love we’ve spurned—
That’s God’s grace! —Anon.

We can show mercy to others because God has shown mercy to us.

and INDEED, seriously, thank God, i made it!!!!!!! ok, admittedly, i coulda done a little better. but NEVER MIND. (well, i mind obviously). it's still within the realms of respectability from myself at any rate. and we all know, the litmus test is if you can live with yourself :) anyway clinicals!!! and bring on the self-improvement rampages :)

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Sciences Sing a Lullabye
by Albert Goldbarth

Physics says: go to sleep. Of course
you're tired. Every atom in you
has been dancing the shimmy in silver shoes
nonstop from mitosis to now.
Quit tapping your feet. They'll dance
inside themselves without you. Go to sleep.

Geology says: it will be all right. Slow inch
by inch America is giving itself
to the ocean. Go to sleep. Let darkness
lap at your sides. Give darkness an inch.
You aren't alone. All of the continents used to be
one body. You aren't alone. Go to sleep.

Astronomy says: the sun will rise tomorrow,
Zoology says: on rainbow-fish and lithe gazelle,
Psychology says: but first it has to be night, so
Biology says: the body-clocks are stopped all over town
History says: here are the blankets, layer on layer, down and down.


no matter how i angst, i know there is a happy endpoint. heh. even if at that point, not everything is solved, at least -something- will have been. ps. im pretty sure b is one of the posters on the eemec forum who wants to know when results will be out. HAHAHA sounds exactly like him

Saturday, June 5, 2010

stressful things :(
1. packingg
2. its not that awesome still is it. hai. out of controL what can i do?!
3. results (not just mine either) coming out soon
4. feeling flawed in the middle of all this aint awesome, but feeling good would be worse coz then i would associate feeling good with stress & negativity. i thinK. part of my complexes about penance etccc maybe u guys will know what i mean
5. time of da monthh (too much info...)

happy things
1. the ability to sit here & bum/ do exactly as i please w/o having to study!
2. awesome friends
3. the feeling of showering after getting all sweaty
4. AWESOME cycling just now!! wheee.
5. did 1 pg of lit review just now at work. as in cumulatively
6. lunch company today!! yayy
7. i actually did my laundry
8. skype chats with michellee. actually all skype chats. heh.
10. im running out of ideas.
11. oh yes, currently wearing a dress/top that looks good!!! YAY. it didnt at this time last year so, technically... an improvement there.... hehe. found it when cleaning out my wardrobe.
12. it was so hot today i walked home in tshirt and shorts!!!!!
13. my pink flats from new look <3
14. ive caught the free bus everyday to the hosp. GO ME
15. m gave me alot of pasta sauce things
16. just now, had a conversation about othello. YAY MEMORIES. i dont think i did iago's equivocation's justice though

nevertheless happy > sad (numerically =p)


the hospital im working at now is quite far away and i have to wake up ridiculously early (7.30 vs 8.30) coz im scared i'll miss the free bus and the public one takes quite long grah!

on the very bright side, my mind really doesnt work well from 9am-5pm. maybe 9pm to 5am might stand a chance. neither am i built for sitting infront of a computer. however, i am definitely built for running (heh) around hospitals, and talking to people all day long, and reading mri & ct scans. so thank goodness for my course. really.

the fisherman, they fish the fish...;p

Friday, June 4, 2010


You are going to ask: and where are the lilacs?
and the poppy-petalled metaphysics?
and the rain repeatedly spattering
its words and drilling them full
of apertures and birds?

i think i have to try this. it makes more sense than usual.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

from all


If you never felt pain,
how would you know that I am the Healer?

If you never had to pray,
how would you know that I am the Deliverer?

If you never had a trial,
how could you call yourself an overcomer?

If you never felt sadness,
how would you know that I am the Comforter?

If you never made a mistake,
how would you know that I am the Forgiver?

If you knew all,
how would you know that I will answer your questions?

If you never were in trouble,
how would you know that I will come to your rescue?

If you never were broken,
how would you know that I can make you whole?

If you never had a problem,
how would you know that I can solve them?

If you never had any suffering,
then how would you know what I went through?

If you never went through the fire,
how would you become pure?

If I gave you all things,
how would you appreciate them?

If I never corrected you,
how would you know that I love you?

If you had all power,
how would you learn to depend on me?

If your life was perfect,
than what would you need me for?


Author Unknown

on another note, i shouldnt have saidd the truth. regretting it. oh well. workwork :) going for a yoga class at the place near my hse later. YAY

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

rainer maria rilke

Rainer Maria Rilke - Duino Elegy #9
Why, when this span of life might be fleeted away
as laurel, a little darker than all
the surrounding green, with tiny waves on the border
of every leaf (like the smile of a wind): - oh, why
have to be human, and shunning Destiny,
long for Destiny?...
Not because happiness really
exists, that precipitate profit of imminent loss.
Not out of curiosity, not just to practise the heart,
that could still be there in laurel...
But because being here is much, and because all this
that's here, so fleeting, seems to require us and strangely
concerns us. Us the most fleeting of all. Just once,
everything, only for once. Once and no more. And we, too,
once. And never again. But this
having been once on earth - can it ever be cancelled?

And so we keep pressing on and trying to perform it,
trying to contain it within our simple hands,
in the more and more crowded gaze, in the speechless heart.
Trying to become it. To give it to whom? We'd rather
hold on to it all for ever... But into the other relation,
what, alas! do we carry across? Not the beholding we've here
slowly acquired, and no here occurrence. Not one.
Sufferings, then. Above all, the hardness of life,
the long experience of love; in fact,
purely untellable things. But later,
under the stars, what use? the more deeply untellable stars?
Yet the wanderer too doesn't bring from mountain to valley
a handful of earth; of for all untellable earth, but only
a word he has won, pure, the yellow and blue
gentian. Are we, perhaps, here just for saying: House,
Bridge, Fountain, Gate, Jug, Fruit tree, Window, -
possibly: Pillar, Tower?... but for saying, remember,
oh, for such saying as never the things themselves
hoped so intensely to be. Is not the secret purpose
of this sly Earth, in urging a pair of lovers,
just to make everything leap with ecstasy in them?
Threshold: what does it mean
to a pair of lovers, that they should be wearing their own
worn threshold a little, they too, after the many before,
before the many to come,... as a matter of course!

Here is the time for the Tellable, here is its home.
Speak and proclaim. More than ever
things we can live with are falling away, for that
which is oustingly taking their place is an imageless act.
Act under crusts, that will readily split as soon
as the doing within outgrows them and takes a new outline.
Between the hammers lives on
our heart, as between the teeth
the tongue, which, in spite of all,
still continues to praise.

Praise this world to the Angel, not the untellable: you
can't impress him with the splendour you've felt; in the cosmos
where he more feelingly feels you're only a novice. So show him
some simple thing, refashioned by age after age,
till it lives in our hands and eyes as a part of ourselves.
Tell him things. He'll stand more astonished: as you did
beside the roper in Rome or the potter in Egypt.
Show him how happy a thing can be, how guileless and ours;
how even the moaning of grief purely determines on form,
serves as a thing, or dies into a thing, - to escape
to a bliss beyond the fiddle. These things that live on departure
understand when you praise them: fleeting, they look for
rescue through something in us, the most fleeting of all.
Want us to change them entirely, within our invisible hearts
into - oh, endlessly - into ourselves! Whosoever we are.

Earth, is it not just this that you want: to arise
invisibly in us? Is not your dream
to be one day invisible? Earth! invisible!
What is your urgent command, if not transformation?
Earth, you darling, I will! Oh, believe me, you need
no more of your spring-times to win me over: a single one,
ah, one, is already more than my blood can endure.
Beyond all names I am yours, and have been for ages.
You were always right, and your holiest inspiration
is Death, that friendly Death.
Look, I am living. On what? Neither childhood nor future
are growing less.... Supernumerous existence
wells up in my heart.


1) hotel in bordeaux confirmed!
2) nice company these few days + nice dinners (actually this since, like forever. start running more......)
3) i really like pictures of the brain
4) really like being too busy to nua and watch drama series. HAHA.
5) made chicken fajitas last nightt when i got home and had that for bfast & lunch!
6) endless research papers make more and more sense the more i read them
7) i feel infinitely more useful here than in my post-a's research project
8) also a little excited and nervous about the amt of work to do. which = GOOD!
9) emoticons on skype are really very cute i have discovered

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

i want to go back and rinse out everyone's memories of the things ive said
lots of them were really funny and appropriate at the time

make new memories, forage for new mushrooms, and dont be scared to eat poisonous fungi. this isn't a midsummer's night dream; things you regret are not due to archaic poetic lines you write, they come about when you say things you yourself know are not true. or you know FULL WELL you shouldnt let yourself believe in it. i dont need anyone putting me under spells in forest glades; i am my worst enemy.

on the bright side, good conversation and duck noodles from yumyum :)


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...