Saturday, March 13, 2010

vv happy that i managed to sucessfully make the choc chip cookies! yay! somehow it felt like if i could make a perfect chewy cookie (admittedly some were quite hard.... well i tried...) everything would be ameliorated. all the stresses, worries, obviously unending crises, unhappinesses, self-inflicted conflicts and caring about the world... would be solved by Making the Perfect Cookie. well, of course it didn't. and i honestly wasted alot of time making them. HOWEVER. it was time well spent. i am happy! :)

thank you for your honesties, goodwill and good intentions. thank you for your innocence, and for your suspicion.

i can never figure out if i wrong people or they wrong me. if i can be forgiven, or it's just circumstances.

to my notes: I WILL GET TO YOU. promise. it's like defragmenting a computer.

i will NEVER be simple and uncomplicated. neither can i be completely selfless - nor can i afford to honestly - i have no skills that allow me to put my own life on autopilot and worry about other people. UNFORTUNATELY i sometimes do do that, whether due to a misplaced sense of guilt, or a real enjoyment for random firefighting, i don't know. all i know is sometimes i really feel an honest pull to help people for some reason or perhaps they mean a lot to me. and that distance and time helps a lot of things. and that d is the BEST EXEMPLAR. he stops me from believing in irrational emotions, from wishing things, from reading symbolism in the things around me. all i can do is be completely myself, and that includes relentlessly trying to fix myself, and living on the fragments of wishes and hopes as they fly my way. i believe i too have the freedom of choice. i will choose to believe in love until the end. because that is what makes me me, and without that, dramas lose their allure, life loses its pleasant struggle. the heady combination of questioning and brightness would cease to exist. i must give this its full worth if not the shining light of life would defeat its own purpose.

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