seriously. why is it i am still dealing with things i dealt with in the dark alleyways behind classrooms, as we watched the lights inside and people arguing, and wished so hard we could be there too? why is it that at 2am in the morning, i try to find solace in being -right-, thinking that if i got my philosophies straight, things would magically get better?
why is it that this flu has felled us all for so long, this virus of believing in fantasies.
why is it that i hear him in your voice, i see him in everything you do. and with every similarity i see, i see the endpoint painfully clearly as well? there was a detachment between parts of my life, back then. even if things fell to pieces i could go to class and write poetry and find catharsis in mathematics; doing the hated questions with vigour and a sort of masochistic zeal. now, it's so hard to move. one thing and i offend one person. how about the days when i completely lose it, or when it gets so hard to handle i have to ask for help? and WHY FREAKING WHY does that happen so often nowadays. or maybe its the people are different.
but surely i should no longer be the same person i was in secondary school?!
even more importantly, now, peoples' lives are so inextricably linked. everyone knows everyone knows everyone. there is no wiggle room. it is no longer a serendipitious glimpse of someone across a crowded mall, no longer speaking in hypothetical situations. we were all so cloistered that i could have been making you up inside my mind and i doubt they'd know really. until this day for all they know i could have been imagining it. i shoulda just told them falsehoods.
anyway, it doesn't really matter. past the endpoint now i am endlessly glad to have you in my life. you dont always get what you want, but you get what you need :) and therefore, i know it will be ok.
ica this weekend. gargh
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