today is not really a good day. of course, dance is always :) apart from that... gnrarghhhhhhhhh. either way, i lose. every way, i lose.
renal soon. maybe ill be a renal doctor and find a cure.
ssc, pbl, the usual circus. this is all worth a lot to me, i know it is.
but until i find some sort of peace, i cant stop this. anyway. i will do some work before 2am, presumably. it's just today.
why this angst? i guess i realised finally after years of this merry-go-round that no matter how helpful and kind people are, there is only so far it can go. i realised that no matter how hard i try, i will fall off the wagon, even unsuspectingly. i learnt that as usual, everything is not right, i am doing it all wrongly, and i know no other way. when you have to think negative thoughts to block out positive thoughts, when poetry, music, even medicine doesnt work. then i dont know what does. this has no end, nor happy ending. when i am done with this angst, there is no like, reward or surprisingly good thing. sure, there might have been occasionally in the past, but i doubt i get lucky ALL the time. all i can hope is that this too will pass, that i dont piss off anyone too much or get pissed off too much. that i dont do anything too stupid, that i do what i am meant to do. and maybe to look back on it will be fun. if even jc could be fun to look back upon surely anything would.
i may not have the manual to life, but world, that is no excuse for being unfair and not ever being understanding, not a single time.
i am not insane though. just... tomorrow will be better. or the weekend will be. or something. eventually. what's hard is knowing there IS no consolation. why this affects me so much i cant say. just keep remembering what j says, just keep remembering it. see i do recall it ok ;p i think i need to go boxing tomorrow.
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