Tuesday, January 5, 2010

spammage

because i havent really had access to a comp this hols, but lots of thinking. which is best really. thinking and then typing makes for shallow stuff i feel. not that this is uber deep la but not so bad huh..

i can never decide
if i am sad or happy/ if i SHOULD be sad or happy. should we be anything? actually, yes. often i feel like we are contracted to be a certain way.
if others have it better or worse

one thing i do know, my self is in the thinking. which is kind of -_- cos then if i am always wondering about these stupid rather inconsequential ? finer points of life in order to be -myself- then how can i forever be euphorically happy, which theoretically = to goodness?

does my excessive liking of thinking/ literature hamper my studies? like the need to surround myself with distractions of books/ films when studying sounds nuts but i would have gone insane if not for the diversion, all my exams since goodness knows when.

i can never understand
why people can dissappoint you so intensely, then do something really sweet
why on the other hand some things can never be whole again while others seem to be easily forgotten (perhaps the transgressions were lesser, or people bothered less to begin with, or prized harmony more, or less, perhaps the defenses were not worn down and the wrong things were said but to others uninvolved who thought you mad, but no lasting damage was done, or the damage was then done in another direction (ironic!))
why i have a stomachache, when i have one


i do understand
the basic feeling of belonging, of staying and going. the difference betwee purposely bringing yourself away from things so as to think, and being alone in a room. the comforting certainties of some things, but not the uncontrollable succumbing to temptations or things you promised yourself you wouldnt think about or even consider. i understand but dislike how i compromise my morals/ anyone's morals too, sometimes, based on aforementioned succumbing to things.

i think i have done good and bad this year. i have built and destroyed and tried valiently to save friendships, i have maintained and refreshed friendships. i have done my utmost in studies while attempting (esp last sem) to be healthy. i nearly went mad trying to ensure this except in the last 2 weeks before exams where i didnt run at all and sometimes ate oatmeal for three meals unless i forced myself to cook. so i'm not sure this was worth it, but never mind. i have made new friends :) and inflicted the same bad habit of angsting, disguised thinly as amusing facts on them. oh well. so far i think I still have friends, and i sincerely hope i passed, for which gratitude is due. but most importantly i was happy, for the most part. and when i wasnt i could angst here or find someone to talk to. nat, nic and sharon, you guys have been really awesome and i love that the method and phrasing of angst is always so pleasing, and pleasingly litty/ verbose somehow with you guys, as always. it is always the same way we have been talking since sec sch (albeit, different, for all three, lol), and that is really v nice. the guys - j, w,k, m, and actually h too cos i always seem to randomly bug him. and m& a of cos for things randomly bubbling forth in the kitchen heh - confessions, confections and cooking included, sometimes alot of smoke but no fire ;p (eh but luckily right no fire!!) cell girls too.

my only wish for this year is, as always, happiness and peace. (and my 101 prayers, God!)
- maybe to be more patient when i dont feel like it cos thats what counts right
- to not be so distracted by physical sensations like stomachaches/ potential cramps/ feeling like i havent run enough or i've eaten too much; these may be unfortunately true but theres no need to beat yourself up over it, just do better the next time is enough
- at the same time, to keep healthy so there will be no excuse for being upset over this heh
- to not take people for granted
- to not let my feelings dictate things quite so much. its not that i fake things thats the problem so much as feeling things so intensely that when i do pretend, it's obvious, which is probably not too good. sometimes i just talk too happily and then say a thousand wrong things.
- to not let inertia prevent me from doing cool stuff
- to spend a little more on books/ magazines and less on expensive coffee outside/ cereal bars priced ridiculously, 1 pound per nature valley bar anyone?
- concentrate on studying and then be able to hang out with friends guilt free
- to go for bible study every week.
- to not hurt or insult anyone, and try not to let anyone hurt or insult me.

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