Tuesday, January 5, 2010

as procrastination results in cure for jetlag

thoughts
1. thank goodness for that!
2. good to be safely here.
3. i really am quite tired. this isn't impossible, by any means. its just that when something works out, you lose something else. i cant seem to do it all at once. and it's really hard to explain. and if you're bitchy you just are, no explainations. but then again, either way, it doesn't equate to where i want it to, does it? the equilibrium is off-center, to a place which i don't like. oh what's new -_-

4. i wish i could rely less on people. in fact i should. like i shouldnt have called on people for help today maybe, i regretted it slightly later. but i felt i needed it! i could have done it alone really i could have, it would just have been thoroughly thoroughly unfun to drag it all the way, and uhhh raging jaguars might have eaten my smaller bag in the stairwell as i lugged the other up the treacherous flights? then again... maybe not huh. maybe this is some complicated metaphor for life. nah. i need to rely more on myself. and not just for this kind of stuff, but things of the soul.

5. if i dont lean on people for help then when i dont deliver entertaintment or perfection as a friend (which, me being me, invariably happens. or time being time?), then, it's not so bad. if i dont open up my soul to people then theoretically, nothing can hurt me. i used to think alot about this and the conclusion is that, either way it sucks and one will be unhappy so whatever, it doesn't really matter. sometimes it worked out perfectly. well not perfectly per se but i think it was really entertaining and also completely vital and essential to functioning at the time to have done and said whatever transpired, in fact uplifting and more cheering than any other time. and then somehow, pauses inserted themselves in time and space and then growing up, and stuff. but that happened in a notthatawkward way and i think it's cool! i dont write long thankyou things anymore as i used to when younger but i do remember how refreshing and quirky and fantastic the friendship was. wellll nah, it had its own share of tangles, perhaps not thaaat much on my side but in the... group... okay n will know what i am talking about definitely. nothing's perfect lah. just lucky that turned out okay especially considering the exact circumstances surrounding it all. learn to chilll and not get excited is a good call. basically be exceedingly boring right from the start. if you're interesting for a while then become boring then you're just setting yourself up. not that i can help being boring obviously but.

6. i used to think. just run and everything will sort itself out. newsflash: nah, life doesn't work that way. it's quite funny, i'm actually passably good at debating, but i gave up coz i wasnt excellent enough, so i took up running, which doesnt hurt me because i dont expect to be good at it. and now i no longer argue with people, but i run.

7. stop talking about myself or the past. honestly. stop, just stop. i know i like to talk about it but i doubt anyone wants to listen. i shouldnt inflict my stuff on unsuspecting victims. it has an amusement shelf life of less than one telling anyway. it really doesnt matter. what was good prevented myself from any suicidal tendancies, and what was bad, either people saved me from myself, or the good outweighed the bad.

8. i really cant juggle the two which makes no sense for such disparate things. and i dont like my choice but i have no choice. and its not even sustainable so i dont know why.

9. i must be prepared to accept, like for all things, that you can try your darndest and what you wish may not come to fruition. and that's just the way it is.

10. i am really really bad at packing my room.

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