Wednesday, December 23, 2009

i tried, i really did. that's all i can say. but no matter how you try, it's all a grand illusion.
home sweet home~

and a rather cerebral plane ride, i must say. rascal flatts album? love aaj kal- so so only, maybe if it was the first bollywood movie i'd ever watched ok but by now it's not particularly outstanding, saif ali khan basically is really in great denial that he likes katrina kaif even as she gets married -_- but the parallel storyline is quite cute. watched julie and julia! really nice, meryl streep is a-mazing but the character is crazily over the top. will go hunt out the book soon. but the movie playing out in my head was unstoppable and far from so engaging though -_- have figured out a Plan to be implemented... er... soon. so all's good :)

feeling the carpeted floor against the soles of my feet, the sheets against my skin, even the curve of the shampoo bottle, the scent of soup i will endeavour to replicate, thinking endlessly about deeper moral issues i try not to think about during the heady term full of sunflowers and mushrooms.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

robbie williams- feel

HAHAHA omg this place sounds sooo angsty.
so exams have been over for awhile, i'm really sick of talking about it so won't

fun times involving massive amounts of movie watching (avatar! jannat! glee! janne tu ya janne na). now im watching x factor instead of packing my luggage, ugh. i <3 john and edward! and hanging out with friends :) and did i mention running? also finally all my clothes are clean, wow. and the kitchen is sparkling. amazingg.

i really hope no flight delays tomorrow, but not banking on that >< i guess that's a pretty good metaphor for life, and something i should keep in mind more often.

who's to say this is not enough?

praying that it will be a safe flight, everything will go smoothly. actually i guess a few pple read this, hahah.. merry christmas you guys :):) and have fun on your hols!

please please may everything be allright

Saturday, December 19, 2009

somehow i dont think i've seen the last of it. but i will take your advice, cos i've nothing else to hang on to. its not even earth-shattering just logic i dont want to like. it borders on cruel how the things that stick with you are the insubstantial beliefs, that dont have a chance to be proven wrong. they just float through your life like spider webs, collecting dust, shiny things and chocolate coins.

there is a good way to face this that doesnt involve insanity, or lifelong depression, i'm sure. and i will find it. sometimes you just want to run away but sometimes you can face it head on. and i will.

i think it's not impossible to be brave about this but i have to give it up. if that makes any sense. and that too, i will.

the stupid reason for this all is a moment of weakness, just for a moment of peace. well i didnt find the peace anyway. but the time for that is over, and i must now do what i couldn't possibly have done then. without dissolving into unidentifiable substances. and i am sorry i started it again, don't worry, i will never bring it up, i hate myself when i do but i couldn't help it.
i know im not qualified to say a thing on this matter, cos *insert my ongoing battle with selfishness, ie the desire to sit here and watch tv all day long...* but! IT WILL WORK OUT. someday, somehow, somewhere.


Friday, December 18, 2009

the magic of poetry is no one will deny you the right to rant and rage in it, to love or to hate, to throw mud, eggs or phallic vegetables at people. no one will disallow you to feel two comflicting emotions, or ten at once, and think you insane. they just wont understand the poem. or they will tell you it is good, thus allowing your stupidly simple internal chemistry to override the pain transmission. lol, interneurones ;p

no one will take it too seriously either, you could be writing about something ten years ago or yesterday or yet to happen, who knows?

anyway, soon i will be in transit again, and then in the clutches of jetlag.. merry christmas to anyone who still reads this and much <3
you know sometimes even though hailstones hit you, rain drenches you, mould grows and deep sea submarines try to take potshots at you, you just don't stop. you can't stop yourself from feeling.

what one must do, is draw lines.

the great thing about running, especially sprinting, is you feel like in that moment you are living out every emotion - elation, anger, determination, angst (right, my palatte is evidently slightly limited here...)

i just wanna say that it makes me smile even though it's not funny, and even the worst times are the most hilarious. so honestly, all my prayers were answered to a t. all i ever prayed for was to be happy, and, and it came true

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i need to do the impossible. obviously, this is impossible. WHY WHY WHY. Oh God please just let me pass. Thank you.

I realise how much I like neuro now I'm studying for the mostly GI paper. SO. BORING. Metabolism is like maths in jc, it makes me feel dumb. I've not felt dumb in med school like... EVER. gah!!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

pray that you can have the strength to change what you can and accept what you cant and the wisdom to know the difference

seriously if i was able to live that out, life would be PERFECt. or at least i would just be happy. anyway now im really happy thanks to peaches and glee, hahah life is peachy ;p but *insert exam angst here*. i'm bad at exams, fullstop. so how did i get to where i am? (ie, in the middle of an avalaunche of notes and wearing rj fbts when its like minus dont know what outside.) answer: I DON'T KNOW!! anyway thanks to all who have been so encouraging :) and the manufacturers of glee ;p

have 12 hours before i sleep tonight. some things can be changed between now and then, surely. and then run! and i shall go ice skating and check out the farmer's market and eat at red fort and build sprawling gingerbread houses ;p and manage to leave a coffee trail all over singapore and scrub out everything from under the carpet in my room

i like these two week vacations, you want to do everything in them. it seems so gloriously exciting somehow. and having said that it's going to be really boring. HAHA.

how do i say this, i say stupid things when studying. i dont want to mean any of it, and i wasnt meaning to tell anyone. but things dont become true just because you say them. so i shall unsay it to myself in my mind. i've been through this enough times to know the end result, like a chemistry experiment you repeat ad nauseum. and even when you average it all out it wont be the same as the person next to you. FACE IT. i hate boredom more than anything else. but sadness is only poetic on hindsight. never when you foresee it, or when you feel it. i have great poetic memories to last me a lifetime and i dont need any more. and i know foreseeing horribilities never makes it any easy or happier, but self-discipline and being the grasshopper running lightly over the water makes you... a happy grasshopper. and i prefer that to being an angsty spider.

Monday, December 14, 2009

hahahaha i just remembered around this time last year. and how much better everything is now :) :) it really is. it sounds like a strange thing to say but yea.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

taylor swift - i'd lie.

what are you willing to stake on a bee? i like laughter and honeycombs. i promise myself this here and now.

boppy music, smoke coming out of the chimneys?!! something anyway, visible on the rooftops in the view out my window. i choose happy unknowns and blissful ignorance.
have barely studied today. except a half-hearted attempt at optic nerves, and now watching blackadder while being stuck in the mire of the one million metabolism cals.

have a lot of things to say about trust, but half-formed thoughts. not a good place, nor time. just that small things really do matter, do add up. and that i just want the exam to come NOW NOW NOW.

also i have been eating a lot of oatmeal. because i'm literally too busy bumming to walk down to SAINSBURYS even. which is 5 minutes from my house. wanted to run but i knew id feel too guilty about it. so. guilt free bumming. dlghljdbjlv

also maybe its not true that everything will be ok. unremembered yeah, but okayness, whatever that means. i kind of liked the self i built for myself. although it was a house of cards bound to come crashing down. by being nice friendly etc etc i actually believed myself. if onlY i was like that 24/7. instead i know at the core all i wish to do is run. run away from everything and everyone, run away from running even. i think i am pretty much a cool person for the first five minutes of accquaintance. or also, if you haven't seen me for a long time. then i'd be really interesting. apart from that, i probably talk too much about random things to fill time and space. oh well. i always liked personal space.

forgive my ramblings. noT a good study day. the only thing about this day is quaker oats is earning alot of $$ from me. good for them. and exams mess up my brains big time. dysphasia? maybe broca's area... omg omg. just too many things clogging up my head. so now all the redundant feelings are spilling out. confessed some things to _______ reccently, proof of that. dont really know why i trotted all that out either. its quite funny lah. sitting here not-studying is normal but then the idea of all them memories coming out pensive style cos there's no more space in my brain... LOL. right easily amused obviously.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


how many more dayss
1. got to shower first yesterday. yaaay!
2. music.
3. talking more to people about mad things in the past (a, n)
4. i think im going to church this sunday
5. tried the new italian roast i bought from starbucks
6. honey toast
i know the road to happiness. but i can't embark on it for a few days. i'm sure i will get there :) eventually.

meanwhile yesterday had a disembodied lecture which was really out of the way, and disrupted by not one, but TWO FIRE ALARMS. then somehow stayed in the comp lab until 9 because i needed to finish the library books so i could return it. then as i went out the door, and it locked behind me, i realised i HADNT RETURNED THE LIBRARY BOOKS. WIN! luckily some random guy let me in again. THANK YOU!! if not i can just look forward to some 50 pound fine.

tried to go to wh smith in the hospital to get something to eat but it was closeddd so somehow got home etc. luckily i had quite a lot of random stuff to eat at 5+, greed does pay sometimes evidently.

not sure if this beats leaving at 5.50 to catch the last free bus and... missing it so having to take the paid one anyways.

so i was really tired and fell asleep at 11. (5 hours of studying spent.... SLEEPING.) woke up triumphantly at 6am thinking i could now study. then... thought would be good idea to read metabolism notes in bed. uhhh. NO.

right one day i will be less boring and talk less about failed attempts to study/ live life normally.

Friday, December 11, 2009

hmm i guess you just have to keep trying. keep sifting to find the people you can trust with your secrets and follibles. who can be bothered with them. took a walk down pathways of the past instead of the ascending pathways to the head, sigh. but it was nice :) friendships may be born out of seeing people everyday etcetc (altho not true, cos obviously there's something that draws you to someone), but it's what happens afteR that counts. but time differences :( is a really big barrier too.

but have never really been one to regret. if anything i hold on too loosely to friendships cos maybe, all the shifting around in sec sch? i dont regret it one bit because i had an amazing time. i cant turn back the clock to see if it would have been amazing the way i would have continued on. but i have to say that after the shift, i fitted perfectly in. like seriously it fitted me like... an enzyme fits a substrate in the lock & key hypothesis. the thing is that i didnt really keep in touch with wf jaime daph etc etc. and i forgot all that so easily that... it's been sorta ingrained in me from young that the point is to be happy in the here and now. well i did think of them until quite long but debate really busified me a lot and there is only so much one can look back upon honestly.

anyway, random reflections brought on by talking to x. all our madness then over... nothing?! no really if none of us had such intentions then how did it get so messed up again?! i dont remember why also i just remember a lot of drama and random stuff. and that we were actually really tolerant of each other. its a good place to grow your self esteem, it really is. somehow i became able to do things alone and be happy, yet do things with people and be happy? i guess, i learnt how to live with myself. AND RUSH WORK LAST MINUTE. LIKE NOW. havta love rg. i can dooo this
yay i love it when people like my poetry! :) like when zh posted the world poem on his blog. i dont know. it makes me feel like a real poet. HAHA. yea yea cheap thrill. have been dragging my feet on the motor & sensory cals since like 5pm. ICP was so so draining. long conversation, but necessary lah. checked wb out of sheer torture and huzzah!

anyway. i think i have to run. because when i feel crap, i cant drag myself to the library. im doomed anyway. so i might as well run. didnt know i was so addicted ><
right finish motor and most of sensory tonight.
run tomorrow morning then pop over to rie for at least one of the lectures. then do cranial nerves, write up all the obesity/ diabetes lectures

sat- revise GI
metabolism CALS & revision
hepatitis viruses

sun - revise neuro
and neurophys, neurorad

mon - OMG OMG OMG.
considering to run on mon, or study/ sleep after the exam? i think i shld just mug anat. aurghhh

Thursday, December 10, 2009

late nights being unsatisfied with essays in jc, i happily envisioned studying for exams unencumbered by my perfectionistic tendancies, verbosity, procrastination skills.

.... WELL essays never stop -_-

on the bright side, if icp reminds me of lit essays, that can only be a good thing, right? hahaha. anyway ok will stop grumbling now. hope presentation today goes ok >< deep down i'm loving it. and i always wanted to do this heh. writing historys will never never end and it's torturous on some level and a dream come true on every other.

EXAMS will never be my friend so i'll just stop trying there. anyway i have concluded that i am possibly the most inefficient being on earth. and i have a prediliction for green eggs and ham ;p nah just kidding. just eggs and ham.
HAHA. after really crappy day which unsurprisingly, crappy episode of greys (why?! it's usually so good. but the angsty ladies in ballgowns uh, not my thing sorry) did not cure, not even cristina's having to teach interns to read her own x ray with an icicle stuck in her.

the only thing which cheered me up was krrish! it is HILARIOUS. first there was the episode of the two girls in the elevator with the really extremely singaporean chinese ah pek OBVIOUSLY listening to their truly scincilliating conversation about their schemes, and the kaypoh look he gave them as he sidled past hahaha

then there's the chinese gangsta scene where the ah long says "i think is mask man" in the typicaL accent. it's actually quite an endearing singaporean movie hahaahah should be screened during national day or something. and the cinematography is awesome, OBVIOUSLY. i <3 bollywood :)


"to achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep" HAHA, maybe that's true. been sleeping at 3am lately, or even lateR really. doesnt mean im mugging like mad, folks. coz i then wake up near mid-day. or even if i drag myself up before then, my mind certainly isn't awake until around noon.

ps adam if you're reading this, i'm MORE than traumatised by my studying hahaha dont think anyone doubts that

ive forgotten why i feel so tired
today i did
1. random GI revision stuff- saliva, pancreatic juice, bile, gastric juice, liver etc
2. nearly finished icp
3. epilepsy

not really everythinggg i was supposed to do but oh weell. haish.

1. finish neuro motor & sensory CALS
2. stroke and subarachnoid haemorrhage CALS
3. print ICP

to make it perfectly clear to everyone and myself, i now just hope to PASS. and retain my sanity. yes.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

this is really excruciating -_- on the bright side, krrish is a really nice movie. its a mad bollywood movie set in singapore & some mountainous part of india that looks like switzerland. LAST YEAR ALL OVER AGAIN. i think i nearly finished blackadder during exam time... lol

what's worse is feeling like i'm throwing something away, something i worked incredibly hard for. not the exams, gosh, i'm immune to them now, they just come and go and are generally torturous and depressing. then you look back on them and say oh it was actually quite fun studying for that huh? that's my only explaination for why i keep doing them.

so anyway i try to keep it at bay but to NO AVAIL. and then now and then i give in. then i become so incredibly tired and everything messes up and then i need to fix it somehow and i stay up all night and the next day is... well, let's just say there's not much of it left if you wake up at 2pm. obviously im exaggerating. but yeah.

i owe some people a lot. (what's new.... seriously.)
anyway, nevermind. this is really sucky. i had some high hopes of a but honestly now i just want to finish studying, then run until i puke or until my plane comes. both also can. then watch house everyday at home; a house has to be a home too ;p hahahah sorry couldn't resist. then come back refreshed for uhhhh the many months of happiness before the next insanity.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

what matters is not whether your best is enough or not. the only thing that matters is being able to face yourself after. and i think that i can handle this :)

handel's messiah coming right up

Monday, December 7, 2009

deliriously happy

(when i come down off my endorphin cloud)

(random thoughts)
whatever it is i signed myself up for this. it sucks no end but at least i chose it. better than doing something you didnt choose and having it suck.

good to look at things from diff povs. like now im sitting on my bedroom floor. i refuse to look at my curtains anymore. the other day i went to the fifth floor just for a change of perspective. maybe ill sit in the meadows with my winter coat on next. no actually maybe not.

feel like dancing, randomly. although im horrible at it, it makes me feel like i can do it, when i am doing it? if that makes sense. one good thing about being here is i can do that, i have to say. hey take what u can get right. blaH.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

you know that feeling. like you've run out of juice.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – Mark Haddon
Ignorance – Milan Kundera
Sputnik Sweetheart – Haruki Murakami
The Human Stain - Philip Roth
Marcel Proust
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D Salinger
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert M. Pirsig

eight more days! basically one more week.

both sides now

Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus. - Wallace Stegner

after doing lots of hepatitis and general itis-es, i CONCUR. life is all scar tissue.

Ellen Parr:
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
(for d, haha :))

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.
R. D. Laing

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.
Robert Frost

John Lennon:
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Joni Mitchell:
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

cool stuff

1. marie digby
2. bkfast of honey toast & dates (i know random)
3. bacteria in the gut. thrilling. -_- ok la but it could be worse really.
4. under the warm blanket typing notes until morning with grapes and coffee
5. friends and kitchen commiserations
6. the fact that every now and then for a long spell i forget the truth


"... oh, it doesnt co-relate much with the lecture so now at 3.45am i have to write up 82 lecture slides too"

10 days more

to utter freedom.

usually make rather bad choices overall. so ten days to some more rather bad choices. i know la. whichever way is all not great. so uh. what to do right.

and just a note guys. i dont fake anything. trust me on this. when i really cant do it anymore, i just remove myself from all human contact. everything, everything is genuine. even if i am trying to try, it means i care and it means i am willing to make an effort.

but anyway, its not like any of it matters. does it? ok, to some extent. it all depends. some nights you just wanna play emo music. im stronger alone anyway, i never have to worry about how i feel or about pissing myself off. (obviously. lol).

looking forward to bollywood movies on the plane ;p and a nice, WARM christmas :) there are happy things awaiting lah. i am sure. but right now, everything absolutely sucks.
think i've been thinking way too much about life. everything seems so much less and more than what it is. but then maybe if you see things for what they are you'd just die of boredom. no there are interesting things out there.

i now dont think anyone can save anyone. i just wanna find a cave. i know exactly what leads irrevocably to happiness but i cant do it right now. SO I AM V. UNHAPPY. graH. well not unhappy unhappy. just. oh well. green grass etc.

i'm now minus 1000 hours behind my schedule
doing horrible cals which i dunno if will be tested or not. for ulcerative colitis. yes still. i highly doubt i can run tmr but i feel like crap. UGHHHHHHHH. i need grays but then i really will fail. i am being boring i know. but i no longer care what anyone thinks.

anyway, since quite a long time ago, i ceased to care. unlikely as it may seem, even tho one or two people do affect me, truthfully. you were the one thing i ever wanted and since then i couldnt be bothered to be honest. haha. story of my life. reason why i can stand shiz is because if i cant have that, no other happiness is worth it.
hahahaha it just goes round & round doesnt it.

i love snow patrol

ok i will do ulcerative colitis until the owl city playlist finishes

so so tired. no this time it's for a reason. everything was perfectly planned out then this had come to fell me. and now i have to go run tmr to feel normal again and I CAN'T AFFORD THE TIME. well it was gonna come anyway better now than just before exams. ugh. anyway. nvm.

random lyrics
'Cause I just don't foresee myself getting drowsy
When cold integrity keeps me wide awake

I'll keep my helmet on just in case my head caves in
'Cause if my thoughts collapse or my framework snaps
It'll make a mess like you wouldn't believe

whoa strong imagery eh
i realise i thought being a neurologist would be like being sherlock holmes except medical mystery. yes i know most of my happinesses seem to be intrinsically linked to lit. sigh. believe me when i say i do have a modicum of aptitude at this medicine thing. and i dont know how i can show the world this. and i am close to giving up.

but sometimes even tho you know it won't be perfect, you have to keep going so it wont be totally shit.

playing christmas songs on my laptop helped just now. because christmas lies on the other side.

ah whatever. no choice. just keep going. for the record i feel like total shit today. i did a lot, but NOT ENOUGH, WHAT'S NEW?!! not sure if i should run tomorrow. i really dont know. just finish uc and sleep and see how it goes tomorrow. cos if i mess up 2 days in a row hahahahaha.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

exam quotes
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.

The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read.

random quotes

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried.

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
Jonathan Winters

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

About the time we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Herbert Clark Hoover

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Charlie McCarthy

Don't expect mangoes when you plant papayas.
Mimfa A. Gibson

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
Kathy Norris

quotes actually labelled depressing
In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed.
Bertrand Russell

not going to eat lunch until i finish ICP so i'd better get to it. see y'all on the other side. I HATE FORMATTING. amongst 100000 other things. grateful, yes, i guess, but so, so, so screwed.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

ohhhhh hahaha. sometimes i think the universe is not out to get me, but just has a strange sense of humor. but never mind, odd confluences of things are sometimes enough to make one's day. my flat is warm :) salmon in the oven!

in 2 hours time have to do full clinical examination. ARGHHHHH. tonight - cranial nerves. good times.

just getting through is insufficient. but i can't do any more than that.
i have decided to heck eating healthy and food going bad in the fridge, in fact NOT THINK ABOUT COOKING ETC, or anything else at all

since i know my projected mark, i'm gonna go for gold ;p and if i get in between, that'll be great.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

two weeks to freedom
twelve days of horrificness left
three lectures sorted today

on the bright side, God always saves the third time. (randomly trying to cheer myself up here...)

seemed to have unlimitless energy the whole of today, but i cant bring myself to face tomorrow. i cant even summon up the effort to make a timetable. HOW. HOW. HOW.
uhhh tommorrow will be a better day? NO IT WON'T.
FOUR LECTURES, ssc. thursday - lecture, anatomy, ICP where we have to perform the full clinical examination on a patient. and then write it up. as if we have nothing better to do, like, perhaps studying. dont get me wrong i love ICP and i will treasure forever where i learnt the skills of the clinical examination, i will look fondly back onto my first blood-taking, apex-beat palpating experiences. BUT RIGHT NOW. right now, ARGHHHHHHHH

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

aching like mad. but as i was walking the cobblestoned streets back home (that reminded me of crohn's somehow... or was it ulcerative colitis?) eating an apple after a run, it reminded me of cross-country days. that taught me how to be strong in solitude. but yet not complete solitude. i think i definitely overdid the enthusiasm just now... i swear i didnt hurt at all running at 12mph. IT HURTS NOW THOUGH.

i think there's a lovequote (my new guilty obsession, the old used to be gossip girl) that goes ' i don't know why they call it heartbreak when it feels like every part of me is broken'.


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...