Friday, November 27, 2009

will definitely take this down soon

and i dont really let all this shit affect me anymore, thankful for that. and i know i mistook it for weird stuff. but what it is is intangible oddness, like a blip in the universe. like... a wrinkle in time.

i dont know what i'm more scared of, that i will not forgive, or that you will not forgive.

hmmm.. like i said, so many things to do nowadays i dont really think about it. but it still stings on the odd occasion i do, or i am forced to face the unpleasant reality. i think because my coping mechanisms are too good, eventually the hole in my life would just close over forever. because one cannot face this kind of thing in a dignified manner for an extended period of time so you utterly forget about it and pretend you dont care. the only way not to care is not to care, if you know what i mean. the thing is i dont want not to care!!

oh get over it already, you cant save everyone. the thing is, i always could, to some extent, in some way i think. i dont think ive ever been completely unable to rescue any situation EVER. as in. eveR. ok, maybe one, but that was between me and the world & no one else required saving. anyway, that had a happy ending. a few happy endings actually. this actually involves Other People.

but anyway if anything it is an interesting exercise in thinking about how one relates to people, real and constructed ways of being happy; manifestations of that happiness, ways of coping with unhappiness. accepting things, drawing lines, thinking before you speak, learning to be interesting again (think i definitely took this for granted & stopped consciously trying to be interesting coz i just assumed people found me interesting. hahaha. im sure they do to some extent ;p though now im just more aware of it i guess. subset of not letting one's guard down, in a positive way?)

this might not be conventional happiness per se? or not what i would have thought if previously consulted. but crazily enough, maybe anaesthesized by too much greys... i found myself being really really happy. maybe the trick is to run or do something oxygen pumping to flood yourself with endorphins. that sounds masochistic or escapist but seriously guys, it makes you crazy happy. ok now i really sound mad. HAHA. and i dont know, reccently been getting to know lots of random pple better, i really like that! i enjoy getting to know someone as a person, having random conversations with them when previously you'd just pass them by knowing they were in your class etc. it makes everything so much more humane. true i sometimes like lonely libraries at night etc, just because. but its also reminiscent of studying for a's and random angels :)

im now on a poem a day. must be really stressed. haha. but happy-stressed

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Through the fire