Sunday, November 1, 2009

what can i say

the worst thing is, no matter how i explain, it doesnt exonerate myself. its always been that way anyway.

i tried. thats never good enough for anyone. using all the knowledge and scruples i had, i tried. i now know, i could have averted this quite simply, but i didnt know this then!!!!!!!

so what can i do, turn back the clock?

i hate this the most. everything i do i try to avoid this. everything else is just for fun. but this - this is serious and i fking slipped up.

and now, i dun feel like going out tonight. will there be repercussions? probably. do i care? yes. but i also know, that by going, it doesn't solve anything. and i already have this issue to work through, to atone for. when i weigh up the two sides, i know where my allegiance lies. its not an easy choice to make on face value but if you look at it its pretty obvious. i dun expect anyone to understand, or to give me comfort, or to be nice about it. but i'm a fan of unpopular choices, of doing headstrong things based on seemingly dubious values. i know deep down i'm right. maybe the way i say it is wrong, but this is the right thing to do.

perhaps this might turn out badly. but then you know who your true friends are. so please forgive me, guys. i love you all but some things are urgent. fixable, i don't know. am i messing up the fixing of it yes. must i try nevertheless? obviously. i dont expect u to be understanding but if u would, that would be amazing.

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Through the fire