Monday, November 30, 2009

sometimes, i feel like i'm doing lots of good. but generally speaking, i strongly suspect i do more harm than good. uh, my intentions are pure, does that count? sometimes, things just seem harder than usual, and it takes everything you've got just to put one foot in front of the other.

it feels like stretching out the day to two am because you haven't done enough to call it a day (literally.) it feels like every kind thing you do is unimportant or unappreciated. it feels like you still aren't a good enough human being, cos there's always someone else more giving, more able? less able to do stuff, but still does it anyway. and all you can do is sit here and sulk about something that happened so long ago now, but still troubles you from time to time. GO AWAY, dark cloud. but it's a fact lah. acceptance comes and goes. but now and then i am reminded of how many more things i could do if things had gone the way i wanted. and why am i now having to be selfish. and then actually - you dont have to be selfish right? yup, why not just throw everything away totally. that's selfish in another way, to other people right?

i do my best but it's not, never will be enough. my kindnesses are limited by time, by the demands of what i must do, my cheer is insufficient to lift anyone out of depression (and trust me when i say, there seem to be lots of people in it), all i seem to do is want want want.

i don't want anything.

except to continue down this path. of temptation and self-doubt and urgency and guilt, and to make it through eventually.

everyone has their own battles to fight. this may? be making me stronger, i don't know. i just hope i've managed to help some people, in some way, somewhere, somehow. and that i may continue to do so.

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Through the fire