just hang on.
everytime i stand in that room i remember clearly how i said i would be able to face everything bravely, even go off to far-flung lands (timbuktoo rmb?) just to be able to do this.
but of course, when crunch time comes.... all the usual habits start coming out of the woodwork. not that it's a trading game, but. just to remind myself that i was supposed to face everything with dignity and grace, not sloth and desperation and procrastination and avoidance.
feel like a candle in a hurricane
just like a picture with a broken frame
alone and helpless, like you lost your fight
but you'll be all right, you'll be all right
cos when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of
you might bend til you break
cos it's all you can take
on your knees
you look up decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong
wipe your hands, shake it off
then you stand
lif'e's like a novel with the end ripped out
the edge of a canyon with only one way down
take what you're given before you're gone
and start holding on, keep holding on
- Stand, Rascal Flatts
I know I have done lots wrong. I pray that there are no repercussions, because I have made so many mistakes unwittingly I can't even begin to fix them all... I keep scrambling to undo them, but there are too many, and they are too deep-seated.. all i can do is sit here and keep saying i'm sorry i'm sorry. words can't be taken back once you've said. it's like the story of the woman and the goose feathers. gossip/ anything once transmitted is impossible to be recalled. i just have to, am starting to live out the consequences.
i try to just lock myself up in my third-floor tower, barricade myself in with dirty socks & towering stacks of books, block everyone on msn, flit off skype so my pain cant be seen. but it just keeps coming. it's not just this one thing, it's EVERYTHING, from all directions. it never stops, the situations just keep popping up like mushrooms after a fairy rain.
i'm glad for bible study yesterday. it was a really small group, like 5-6 of us? and it was v fun. laughter means too much to me seriously heh. i like reading the bible out loud a lot too hahah it really reminds me of reading, and :) :)
should have waited just five minutes more before opening my mouth that day. but there is no way on earth i could have, so blinded was i with pride, assumptions, and self-righteous hypocrisy.
library - pbl. gut tube histology, biochem lect, print stuff. drugs of gi tract.pancreatic juice.
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