Saturday, November 21, 2009

rambling

lots of rainbows, near-misses, lucky saves. thanking God constantly, then new stuff crops up, etc. not dying of depression heh life is just really rollercoasterish. ok lah. not really that drama either. its the kinda small things that do affect the humdrum normality of things, that do stand in the way but its not like really bad. but of course things sometimes threaten and you get scared blahblah. it was not a week i was looking forward to for many reasons. i cant actually remember why but i recall apphrehension & a lot of other things. but it turned out, well, at 10pm friday it stands that it is ok.

want to have a quiet weekend and hole self up in lib. at home now, really cannot study. but too tired to go anywhere. there were couple of things i had to/ could have to/ should have to? go to. but (whats new) quite exhausted. its good to live a fulfilling life etc though heh.

about 1.5 hrs before i can sleep anyway so best now finish the fat metabolism lecture? or maybe nitrogen. or something. maybe i should have gone cf. ive gone every week this year so far & i really did not ever regret going, rather i regretted my intermittant attendance last year. but then i think last yr i had a lot of random.... antisocialnesses etccc or i dont know la funny stuff i'm sure there was sth but i can't rmb. anyway all the knowledge in my head has been replaced by fat metabolism so yea.

seem to have had suddenly a ray of hope, an infusion of determination. just now i was striding through the meadows with unbelievable gung-honess, probably quite annoyingly expounding my beliefs & know-it-all-ly describing courses of actions, haha, & at the end it worked out vaguely ok. hahaha. im vv happy about that, though still one more hurdle to clear... but the thing is at that moment i should have felt really shite for all the backlog of things, 1000molecules of carbs & fats (i really cannot do gi for a living it keeps making me feel guilty abt eating hahaha) that i have suddenly wished upon myself, weird problems hanging over my head (new ones, well not new but not the ones ive been having reccently la). but for some reason i felt true conviction in what i was saying. it was exactly like the times in rg discussing debate things when i knew exactly what i was saying, the really small stuff we sweated, discussing circuit, discussing all the certainties, when i was dictating stuff to the first speakers which is hilarious coz i myself cant do first speaker for nuts.

hahaha living in memories. those were good ones though.

dunno if that was meant or just meant to cheer me up, i suppose if u know pple are trying to cheer u up & dont mean it the effect is rather lost. but i never fail to be really happy when i hear things like, i'm meant to be here, maybe God put me here for a reason, as in being Alive and being physically where i am. it's really cheering & affirming and makes you want to do your bit to make it worthwhile.

i haven't just sat in one place purposefully bumming for awhile, decompressing, defragmenting lol. being productive inhibits further productivity for me -_-

feel bad for missing cf but my mission is to make it for mass on time. for the past few weeks i get there in time for sermon. haha. oh DEAR. that's really terrible. & must go with gilll i miss that. the 9.30am meetings in the cold wind outside jmc.

dear God i hope what i have done to solve this thing is ok, i thank you for that really serendipitious situating of things, honestly i have never been so surprised in my life ever before, which is rather saying a lot. thank you for saving me from myself because i was really, really, going and prob nothing would have happened but the universe would have been slightly altered in some way. is it me or is it what people make me do? d is right, it's my choice to do what i am told to, and there is freedom in that because i made the choice. maybe it was luck maybe it was really to help me out, i do not know. but in any case i am grateful beyond belief. i have been experiencing this a lot lately, either is life randomly being sucky putting me in strange situations i dont know how to get out of & need divine intervention for, or just true luck that i keep being saved (to different extents...) anyway counting my blessings :)

lots more horribilities like the lectures i dont remember even having that i need to remember the contents of. let's not even go there. graH

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Through the fire