*very muffled phone conversation*
kamin: my internet is down, i cant even watch hrithik roshnan! (I SWEAR he said hrithik roshnan hahahaha)
me: *not hearing properly* KAMIN I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE WATCHING MOVIES & NOT DOING SSC!!
kamin: huh?? i said my internet was down.......
me: OH!!! sorry
WHY SO MUCH WORK.
1- 1.30 format & send crit app to self etc
1.30-2 do ssc wiki stuffs, pack bag, SLEEP
btw k did an excellent job with crit app. YAY!!
& i think that God is protecting me from the ugly truth in the best way possible :) i must not regress! all that was for some reason. it doesn't feed into each other or whatever, it happens in a linear fashion. that even the best explaination that one can come up with is this half-accomodating thing which is not what i want means a great deal. as much as i would like xyz, i think the events of since forever must have shown concretely that that is impossible. no matter how often (not often) you begin to think maybe, it is not, it is not. sucks but you just gotta deal with it. i just know that i have to fight my mind that sometimes likes to backslide & undo all the logical conclusions forged by time, what i know and feel, all my epiphanies, what i think God tells me. haha haven't actually talked about this for some time now. dont worry, i won't go backwards. will just be glad it turned out ok, looking back is sucha pillar of salt thing >< and actually come to think of it there is an undercurrent of that isn't it? was blocked by some other things for awhile but no matter what you know that that is impossible, that there is this diffuse & slightly intangible sense of trying to work round this strangeness you shouldn't know why but you know exactly why. oops.
so for good or bad, related or not, either i or the mercy of God has managed to eradicate to some extent the weirdnessess of things. and also at the same time, devest it of all emotion and meaning, like coring an apple. i can't say i miss it. upon having my energies poured into other directions i have to say i realised how dumb it all was. but it was iridiscent, translucent, pretty in a kind of way. kind of like garden gnomes, the sound that wind chimes makes, like reading a walt whitman poem. didn't mean very much on hindsight but it makes you feel very happy half the time.
and as for other things - i think that honesty really is the best. happy or not is not really the point, surviving, and stuff is better. :) so yeah. i wont lie & say this is fantastic but truth is that there's alot to do so just somehow get through the to do list hope you actually do get thru it & stuff. there are cool things interspersed in all of this so that's really nice. like mass w/ g, n, e :) and lunch after, and a really really edifying run. felt like i was running away from everything, of course i wasn't. did some ssc stuff after that too. & still on it, ugh. stress has made me finish lots of biochem reccently. so. that's good. & sam's v nice banana cake. & random flatmate chats. :)
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