Thursday, November 5, 2009

am not proud of what i've done or what i shall do. but i'm really very tired. it shouldn't be this way. i keep going in circles, and... i'm done with this. do what you must. its like mushy tomato sauce. i don't deny anything. i just want to keep my head down, ostrichify it when the desert storms come. the hurt is more than anything i have ever known? or does it just seem that way? if it's not worth fighting for, then let's just brave through it. anyway it's just me who has to brave the pain right?! what's new anyway. i'm more than used to it.

either it was never meant to be mine, or i'm doing a stupid thing. if it was never mine then best to give up now. if it was dumb, all of it, then if all this can't be transcended then it's obviously no earth-shaking thing, not worth moving any mountains for. i think that's probably it. it's good but not good enough for anything but picking blueberries, all over again.

whatever it is, it is real-er than a lot of things. i know because even when i tell my stories i feel like i am giving away some piece of me. it exists. due to a lot a lot of stupidity, mostly on my own part. anyway i'm pmsing. yes. v good excuse for everything ;p

been doing a lot of blur things these days, more than usual. but it makes me feel me, in a weird kind of way. not least coz when i push through with all these things, i feel the strength returning to me. i am more tired, and my emotions have been through washingmachine cycles more than in a long time, but... my drive is back. its like someone took out my heart but put in energizer batteries. i just keep going keep going. that might be the trick actually. no matter what happens just throw in lots of sugar, spice & everything nice. it served me well before, no reason why it shouldn't now.

subterfuge! and now i have to figure out, how to make it up to those ive inflicted things upon. guys im really really sorry. i hope i dun overcompensate too... i will make it up in some way that will confuse the seesaw principle of things dont worry. now must sleep to set a record, ie earliest bedtime in WEEKS. ie, 1am -_-

No comments:

Post a Comment

garage gym

random snippets of musings 1. i usually love poetry but the apocalyptic poetry felt... depressing for some reason. maybe the thing about th...