looking out the windows, realising the sun has suddenly dissappeared. computer table littered with coffee cups, plastic wrappers, disorganised notes. still have to walk back through the cold later.
but- im listening to my fav song in the whole world - you are my all in all. that song never fails to make me peaceful and uh like im doing the right thing.
although, about that... think there was a better way to do this. and i hope i haven't basically shot in the foot something that means a lot to me. just. not in that way, for something that was ONLY TEMPORARY.
this is so, so dumb. i don't know what possessed me to say it but it's gone now. true, i was rather suspenseful, etc, but the curiosity is NOW GONE. and erm i rather regret. i have maybe done the wrong thing but i couldn't do anything else in that moment. it's incredibly incredibly stupid because there are ways to find out things apart from direct confrontation..
anyway, i need a break. the weight of the existing crosses was killing me already and i think i'm going to fall, so, something has to give. i don't even understand it entirely myself, and the more i explain it, the more insane/ overcompensating i sound, like as if i really mean it and am trying to deny it. so just let the issue evaporate. uh. i hope it does. if it doesn't, i'm sorry that i did what i did, and i acknowledge that i shouldn't have.
winter's coming, so prob this space is going to hibernate heh. aren't any sunflowers around anyway, and the sun hardly comes out these dayss :(
the thing i was trying to avoid by starting afresh... was rather unavoidable. till today it hangs over my head. maybe not like a thundercloud anymore, but like a pretty picture, of times i remember. that's not a bad thing entirely. i prayed like mad that it would never be unpleasant and strange no matter what. and my prayer luckily, holds true to this day. maybe i should have had extended that prayer to a few other things as well, just in case huh. ah well. who would've thought. anyway! winter & dark snowy evenings remind me of robert frost :) cya in summer, or something.
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