Monday, November 9, 2009

all in all

looking out the windows, realising the sun has suddenly dissappeared. computer table littered with coffee cups, plastic wrappers, disorganised notes. still have to walk back through the cold later.

but- im listening to my fav song in the whole world - you are my all in all. that song never fails to make me peaceful and uh like im doing the right thing.

although, about that... think there was a better way to do this. and i hope i haven't basically shot in the foot something that means a lot to me. just. not in that way, for something that was ONLY TEMPORARY.

this is so, so dumb. i don't know what possessed me to say it but it's gone now. true, i was rather suspenseful, etc, but the curiosity is NOW GONE. and erm i rather regret. i have maybe done the wrong thing but i couldn't do anything else in that moment. it's incredibly incredibly stupid because there are ways to find out things apart from direct confrontation..

anyway, i need a break. the weight of the existing crosses was killing me already and i think i'm going to fall, so, something has to give. i don't even understand it entirely myself, and the more i explain it, the more insane/ overcompensating i sound, like as if i really mean it and am trying to deny it. so just let the issue evaporate. uh. i hope it does. if it doesn't, i'm sorry that i did what i did, and i acknowledge that i shouldn't have.

winter's coming, so prob this space is going to hibernate heh. aren't any sunflowers around anyway, and the sun hardly comes out these dayss :(

the thing i was trying to avoid by starting afresh... was rather unavoidable. till today it hangs over my head. maybe not like a thundercloud anymore, but like a pretty picture, of times i remember. that's not a bad thing entirely. i prayed like mad that it would never be unpleasant and strange no matter what. and my prayer luckily, holds true to this day. maybe i should have had extended that prayer to a few other things as well, just in case huh. ah well. who would've thought. anyway! winter & dark snowy evenings remind me of robert frost :) cya in summer, or something.

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