Saturday, October 17, 2009

as far as events and drama go, its really exciting

and rationally, i know i'm still at a good place. it could be so much worse right. there are those brilliant moments when someone says something really funny and stuff. omg matthew's right hand thing in bible study!! hahah. lots of stuff yknow. and puns, gosh, i dont know why they keep me alive but they do.

but...... it's really like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

there's a lot of stuff i can do, lots of people i could possibly reach out to, funny things to say, things to do to brighten up someone's day, be my usual self, etc. but i have no strength left. it's no longer that i can do what i have to do or whatever. that may have been emotionally wrecking but deeds can be done. i'm just totally exhausted after all this... second-guessing, justifying, trying so hard to be nice when i didnt mean it, because i knew, i THOUGHT i knew, i hope so for goodness's sake!! that everything is going to be ok. IT'S SO TIRING.

i need to drag myself to do a lot of stuff. sort out errands. but i just want to sleep in, wake up late, eat yummy cereal with organic soya milk, watch gossip girl, gossip with flatmates about innocuous things, laugh at the quirks of interesting people without meaning badly, or having it reflect badly on me and my character, trace the pathways nerves take through the spinal cord into the brain, think about how different parts of the brain control every little action like how we walk, talk, remember things.

well i do want to do those things but it's the attitude of zen-ness, of passivity about it that appeals now. anyway. the thing is i really need a break from all this. but i need to face it a while longer too. erm. is God telling me something here? i can't stop myself from being accusatory, confrontational. it's the small things i do that belies my annoyance. i'm feeling all the wrong emotions, plus really real exhaustion. i just need to sleep. but i need to get it all out too.

thanks to those who have helped in one way or another, really. sorry to those i might have said inappropriate things to, shown tiredness or impatience or a bad side of me you might not have seen before, etc. there are some good things, i think its also made me learn how to hang on through the bad times, how to put things aside and have a good time for awhile, and i've actually in the sheer need for positive human contact (apart from flatmates, who have been really really nice and supportive etc) reached out and got to know some people better, in a way i wouldnt have had ordinarily in my comfort zone.

do we deserve this? probably not. is it dumb and stupid. YES. can we go back. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS STAGE?! i just know, we have to fix it. waiting around is not gonna solve it.

i keep telling myself i must be cheerful! etc! but it's so hard, when you far from feel it. and maybe for the first week (the one that's just passed) i could do it sometimes. but now, physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.... i just want a break from it all. not a break as in lets ignore each other etc, just... a break from this stupidity. yes. that would be nice.

well... will just go sleep now. maybe tomorrow will be better :) if weather is good, cell fellowship, & pancakes? please, may the sun come out tomorrow. i'm sorry for what i have done and failed to do. i would try and make amends, but i'm totally burnt out.

to do this weekend
- pbl (finished! well duh no choice)
- ssc (finishedd)
- cranial nerves (finished halfway... =p)
- epilepsy
- gait

kinda looking forward to getting in the zone. and now my room is - pristine- coz tidied up just now. and chopping things just now n chatting to r was quite fun actually :) :) and nice chats on way back.

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