Monday, September 28, 2009

reading xy's blog puts me to shame and makes me sound really bimbotic. lol.

i really like browsing through books at secondhand bookshops. of course, it's really nice to finger shiny new books that could become yours, but i like the selection at barnados etc somehow. it seems like practically every book gives off a frission of excitement. i nearly got three books including one by anita desai and another by frank mc court (not angela's ashes), but in the end i got 1000 student recipes from oxfam, £2.99, not bad ;p

we were saying we should clear one of the cupboards out and make a bookcase! i think that's a very very good idea. haha.

the power of poetry is so inexplicable. i could never do lit crit actually. it just sits there glowing in jars, waiting for someone to open the book and find it. it's the complete antithesis, or perhaps the perfect complement of (as in literally, the other half of) loud angry music. it is a well of silence, the missing jewels from the treasury, stolen moments and imaginings. it is the castle in the air, the sound you hear in your heart when you turn off the music, the place you turn to when everyone seems ridiculous, yourself included. it is the one thing that can never go wrong, even in dingy bookshops off a smoky, greyish street. the poetry i read is like the view of rooftops out the dining room window, the thread of sanity within haystacks, within endless noodles of computer cables, within waterfalls of unwashed laundry.

i have found the answer to my seemingly neverending quandries. i may go broke now but who cares i'd rather die happy than be rich and unhappy.

and i just found a book for my ssc in the library!!! ahahaha

good times. too many emails to answer.

one republic

"Say (All I Need)"
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Before just the daylight
Come and i stand by
Waiting to catch the quickest plane
Flying to nowhere
Is better than somewhere
That's where i've been and nothing's changed

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?


Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
brown paper packages tied up with strings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels,
door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings.
these are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
silver white winters that melt into springs,
these are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites, when the bee stings,
when I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
and then I don't feel so bad.
thanks for being there and being honest about things. it really helps in ways you can't imagine. i know my own methods of helping people are rather suspect so i really am grateful for this. it was honestly just a momentary (hahah long moment eh) slip there and im glad to be back on track.

s was right, why does living take up so much time?! but then, i used to just sit in my room and exist, and it does get pretty boring. there's always something to do now, hoover or wipe or whatever, infact a neverending list of things to do.

had some nice conversations today, and in the past few days really. brought year ones to mass, unfortunately picked wrong mass, there wasn't any singing hahaha. i do like the traditional prayers and all, very comforting somehow. actually on the note of religion i just managed to come to terms with one thing, so perhaps that's why i couldn't deal with this.. other thing. but now that's out of the way, i really would like to accept this, and be at peace with it.

oh and after mass g came overr and had cereal and played jenga hahaha fun times ;p

Friday, September 25, 2009

i think i'm getting my groove back ;p must jiayou! if this keeps up i shall go jazz next week :) drugs always have this effect on me
just wanted to say that i really like the saturdays now

Why fight it, cant hide it
Truth is I think I like it,
Confusion, illusions
Still I don’t know which way to go….

and that this blog has not served its purpose.

but this city is like a half-remembered dream and i love it, variations on a theme

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

hahas, as like ever, writing poetry and sending it out. I NEED INTERNET. what's the point of the poem, without the poetry?! but i won't get it. be careful, w warned me, i know, i know. i am careful (hahar). all i hope is that really only the wise prayers get answered. (i think this is what has been happening so not so bad)

anyway good to be back and back to school, thinking about thinking now ;p jk, i like neuroscience a lot. lots of events coming up too so that is nice. must try and make contemporary today also so must run. i come here just to say: what's the point? quite lame huh.

no really its interesting how people draw nearer and farther. how when you expect nothing things swim towards you like fish towards fish food BAD ANALOGY. when you expect things from people they almost always never deliver. j said to me before, that i dont trust anyone. and its not cos im people hating its because i want to believe the best so i believe the worst, so that the best does happen, and can be believed.

despite what it sounds like, i'm happy currently, (despite the 4 lectures that i've already fallen behind just in 1 day...) and it's not THAT cold although definitelY colder than home grah. and people around seem to be happy (especially someone... heh) and its really funky crashing people's flats. we had some pple over last night impromptu, and it was really nice (tandoori chicken!). perhaps these thoughts are indolence personified, and if you really try very hard you'll forget about them. and probably i just don't want to forget. it will be when i do want honestly to have nothing to do with it that i do. and i dont want to suddenly want to have nothing to do with it, i just dont want it to pop up randomly like a jack in the box at the worst time. so i have to LIVE WITH IT yo.

Monday, September 21, 2009

arghh, i chickened out. actually, the people (one or two) were really nice. as i was leaving i realised how nice they were. wellll we'll see how it goes.

impressions are necessary, but dangerous. and unpleasant. i think people should just sit on mountains and read storybooks.

that said, i'm back! and suddenly i seem to have great interest in looking out for stuff for the house, and things like bedsheets. rather nice day in town, hrc reminds me of birthdays and happy pictures ranged around the piano. and would you believe i bought something at every single store i went arghH materialism is badd... but i needed to get bday presents! and anyway we're sharing, not so terrible.

w says i sound absolutely bimbotic here, probably huhh. what can i say, can i really say what i want to? what's the point anyway, i've said it a thousand times. it will go away one day, hopefully, probably. badminton tmr yay!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

AS USUAL good resolutions are just that, anyways stuck between logicality and inanity, not sure which is which anymore. however the new library is really nice. came back and it's all a mad rush, hunting for keys (well actually the staff hunted, not me, but still), buying tons of random stuff racking up $$$ oops. i bought lavender scented handwash for the flat yays :) seriously ive never shopped in tesco with a view to things i might possibly be cooking so it was really quite exciting.

thankfully the guys helped me move my stuff up, NO WAY i could have done it w/o them. a & i moved my luggage up when i first came back, and that one was lighter and it was actually a pretty horrifying experience, cos the stairs are practically spiralling up. all very aesthetically pleasing but feels rather like climbing mount everest with unevenly weighted bags of things.

i really want to get sorted before school starts but erM i think this is just wishful thinking. ohwells at least half my stash is accounted for, something's better than nothingg.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

tmr is gonna be one PACKED day, in fact for some time now its just been rushing from place to place, trying to figure out who not to offend, trying to keep sane, but also kinda enjoying the rush and busyness hahah. wells i really dunno if i managed not to offend, but all i know is 1010000 things outstanding!!

random list
1. fix specs
2. pack computer n stuff in! (ive happily packed my bags but half the things are still on the sitting room sofas. so how?!)
3. print photos hanging round on the home comp since like forever, once and for all!!
4. pack textbooks in, shoesss
ok it doesnt sound like alot THERE IS MORE
please let me survive tmr and the next few days so i can watch bollywood on the plane

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

my life is unfortunately not a novel i can write and plan ahead for, so things which may seem symbolic arent really.

how come some prayers get answered so quickly but not mine? and the perennial qn, how to know what comes from God?! i mean, i know the generic answers, oh yes. but when things CONFLICT, what's right? actually, it can never completely reboot itself. nothing can ever be completely the same. it may just be priorities, choices, and the willingness to try something totally new, instead of examining the past to see how things happened, honestly parallels may occur but it doesnt mean history is repeating (i should sure hope not) and it's not the same anyway. it's a new chapter each time. running away never helped, ignoring just makes it worse when you're forced to confront things, counselling with friends has ceased to help for yearsss now in general, maybe just... accept it, accept that my brain self-dramatises stuff, and try like hell never to get into such messes again.


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...