Friday, August 28, 2009

really tired, but a good kinda tired. my days have started fizzing up with activity, which is not bad. if anything, i have missed long bus rides, i take stuff along to read sometimes, but i like just watching sg whizz by, watching the rain skim the window, the sunlight on the seats. are conclusions maybe dangerous? but it literally hurts the brain, mine at least, to accept that things are un-understandable, there is NO POINT.

interesting discussions, i begin to see (THANKFULLY, the opacity of it all nearly equals the tensions of uncertainty) slight? reason in it all. anyway, the general consensus seems to be that God doesn't give bad things mostly, he -allows- it to happen (and i believe, turns it to good?) but some pple believe it's to make you stronger, hmm. but wtv, i like believing this path is meant to be... and i am constantly reminded that it's not an easy path to get on..

To be alive

by Gregory Orr

To be alive: not just the carcass
But the spark.
That's crudely put, but…
If we're not supposed to dance,
Why all this music?

conclusions are dangerous, i dangerously conclude. everytime i go off on a tirade about something, i inevitably get proven wrong. people simply believe they are right, and it's just fun to have fun, i completely agree.

anyway i walked into a glass door just now, there must be some symbolism about this i just don't see.

i dont get how things are almost always better & worse than you imagine, it gets tiring having to comphrehend these dualities simultaneously

i haven't run for really long, saving it for in the winter months, running through the meadows

i feel like i'm coming back after a shopping spree, hanging all my new shiny thoughts (much battered from the journey and half-forgotten) in the cupboard and rumaging through them trying to rmb what i saw in them. but i did think these things. maybe bus journeys aren't THAT conducive for deep thinking huh, should'a learnt a language at least isn't it oops well only two weeks more.

TWO WEEKS. better make it count is all i know.

and the thing is despite all these rather lame thoughts, which i just have to put down to justify having thought them, give them an airing, so to speak, i know what matters in the end. (assuming maslow's basic hierachy of needs is met). and its not really cupcakes chilling in front of the computer, cats, cars etc, although i must say i like these things. it could be coffee, the cha-cha, and counting how many coughs one's cured, though. sorry this is extremely lame but i couldn't resist. lol

Saturday, August 22, 2009

whew, one more thing settled, gah i hate setting up all these payment thingies. won't bother commenting on life anymore, the good things are good and you can be happy without scrupulously noting them down (although admittedly, it does make for happy remembrances, reading back on lists of awesome golden sunshiny things, i also do think that what's worth it will endure? perhaps. perhaps some really fine things can also just be glorious in the moment and then be watered down by time.) and the bad things, wellll ugh, duh. anyway what i really hate is one day writing down nice things and the next really sucks, this makes no sense obviously but yknow, it still is rather ugh.

that said, wandered through kino today, SO MANY BOOKS to read! after finishing reading lolita in tehran, i feel compelled to try henry james, cos there's one whole chapter on him. took lots of yknow intellectual looking books, walked round for somewhere to sit and ended up in the children's section... and chanced upon a gossip girl book, which i ended up reading the whole time i was there. LOL. haha just wanted to see what it was like since the tv series was such good winter company (was shakespeare's line 'this is the winter of our discontent'? tell me about it man).

Friday, August 21, 2009

Got a rather interesting haircut in the name of change, and all that. Unfortunately I think interesting is not what I was looking for, normality and the ability to look in a mirror without cringing/ rearranging obsessively might have ranked higher on the list had I made one. Spent most of today lounging around, sifting through old papers, discarding essays which I got low marks in and keeping the A grade essays ;p oh and watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.

I seem to have produced my best writing under great duress in my jc years, now it's all cliche, things I can't bear to say or say in the hopes that it will change my mind (eg: i will forget, i'm over all that, blahblahblah), or endless gratitude, honestly I'm sick of that, just let it be known once and for all that I am eternally grateful for this one thing, I'm sure the universe knowswhat it is, but for the other hundred things I still need to work on (eg: terribly bad timing of things so I can actually end up pangsehing more than one group of people at the same time and end up watching movies at home with a stomachache/ cramps), well what can I say, no amount of reiteration about the good things is going to HELP andjust makes me sound either too falsely happy, or eternally angsty (if I do start on my litany of things that I don't like about life.)

Was really high on sunday, from exhaustion I suspect, tiredness has that effect on me. But super fun day :) funny how things worked out, heh easy for me to say i guess, just turn up late and throw in help randomly where needed, but hey who's complaining it turned out well right? :)

some other things - i've sworn countless times to forget, so i shall try not to renenge on my word. purely pretending the knowledge away doesn't work i think, so this is harder than expected. oh goodness, can't i just go back in time and turn away before it even started? i have a new prayer, just that it won't be too weird. HONESTLY, is that too much to ask for?!

need to start preparing to go back, ahhhh. 101 things to do, then the task of making it all fit into the suitcases, i haaate this part. though i like watching movies on the plane. heh.

Friday, August 14, 2009

life is not perfect and never will be, of course. but today's pretty good as they come :)

morning or evening - day of obligation mass. (the assumption, i cannot even begin to describe how much this day means to me; initially, for all the wrong reasons,but i think increasingly, my gratitude is boundless.)

meet up with a

suddenly my schedule is uber packed! plus past few days hanging out with the edin pple, but it's been uber fun!! :) and last night baked til 1

i now believe in atonement

and i haven't got over the blaming thing yet. i'm sorry for it but i still feel the...need to? i can't quite wrap my mind around it and i'm sure it will make more sense some day. i want to talk about it but i don't know who i can talk to about this very specific subset of things, and as evinced by the last time i tried (really need to stop trying to solve my life by consulting priests, they're good people yes but not magicians and can only comfort at best or set you right on theology, at worst,cos it can be depressing knowing you've been kidding yourself and you're wrong.) i don't make sense talking about it.

but he was right. everything i have now, i made the choice. there are definitely pros & cons and they are all strong ones. why on earth didn't i consider more carefully? i was blinded by finally getting my heart's desire. and the things i do not have are not necessarily due to some celestial wheel of fortune malfunctioning in my disfavor, they just are. they're the product of a thoroughly shitty world. but i'm so used to blaming the universe, i can't not anymore. i can't sit down and say i don't have cheese... just because. no grander scheme of things but... just like that lor. the galaxy doesn't owe you anything. if it's kind, it can make things slightly sweeter (it has, unequivocally). but it's also opened up whole new cans of worms.

so in always doing at the moment of decisions what i thought was best, i have as sharon rightly pointed out, perhaps not done what i would have done had i planned things out in a linear fashion?

anyway, nights.
i think happiness is truly a dangerous thing. ignorance is bliss, but ignorant bliss usually doesn't last long or doesn't end well. gosh, my whole life seems to be perpetually spent in the discussion of happiness. is life not the pursuit of happiness though? but maybe one shouldn't think too much about it? if you think about it, everything we do is for happiness. generally. even evil people do things that make themselves happy, but perhaps deny that of others.

the problem is that happy bliss often precludes careful thinking (for me at least). because when you think too carefully about things you see all the bad stuff as well as the good.

i think my problem is that i put off unpleasant things, and find all sorts of diversions. this is sometimes a good tactic, but, erm...

so i'm sorry to all those pple who have ever been inconvienienced as a result of this (i know there have been many)

i feel badly in need of coffee but its 2am and i need to sleep :(

Sunday, August 9, 2009

i feel so rooted in this langorous stupor that i can hardly imagine wrenching myself up to leave again. aren't we stupid sometimes. it's like being an eternal barnacle. it's great knowing wherever i am i will eventually find so much comfort and familiarity i don't want to leave, and i am essentially happy (if you can call it that) etc but... reccently packing my life of months or years or whatever into boxes and the temporary feeling of displacement, of being in motion is... less exciting than it sounds, i guess. don't get me wrong, my gratitude is boundless of course, but...

i guess i spent the longest time carrying what i felt was the weight of the world upon my shoulders. so when i came back, i repelled all notion of responsibility. all i want to do is just to decompress months of stress and worry about every small little thing. and i guess i'm pretty zen now so that worked well :) but the thought of all that starting again, ahhhhhh! of course, good stuff, the endless birthday celebrations, bible study, learning the other half of the organ systems, new flat, etc, exciting stuff it is. still. home is really nice, folks.

anyway, completely zonked out, really busy few days, next week looks to be super busy tooo (as opposed to pure lazing around at home)

humans are strange, or maybe it's just me, when things don't change, sometimes i feel a little upset, like it's stagnating? or boring, or whatever. when things do, even if it's sometimes for the better, i feel sad, like i'm losing a part of what used to be, or something. so, not judging, but things are both so incredibly different, and yet the essence of them is the same. i don't want anything from you now but i guess i built a castle in the air, then. many castles, too numerous to think about. it doesn't make any sense like this, maybe one day i'll be able to write a poem about it, when it has slipped suitably from everyone's consciousnessses. this is the problem with liking metaphors too much, you metaphorize everything in daily life. but honestly! the symbolism of it blows me away. no actually it might never make any sense. oh well haha.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


in the most spontaneous decision EVER made by me on this continent, i met up with m and it was really, really good :) went to ion orchard, sushi, chai latte, lots of shoe shopping and illegal camwhoring in forever 21 haha. we were like pretending to admire ourselves and then take the photos when no one was looking but GRR extremely observant salespeople! i currently love sunglasses but i suspect it might not be exactly useful in fog and rain and wind...

and of course updating each other on our seemingly endless lists of mutual friends (euphemism for endless gossiping while surrepitiously looking over our shoulders to check no one we were talking about was in the vicinity..) told m all about the amusingness of j (cos we were discussing our lives and good friends in us/ uk respectively lahhh) practically was doing a salespitch for him hahaha but seriously you two are extremely alike!! but all this was just icing on the cake really, the best part was just meeting up with the most amusing and entertaining person everrr in my life since sec 3, thank you so much for all the laughter fun hilarity all these years!! and the fact that we are just as hilarious as ever, well pretty much. yay! oh yea j's the only other one who laughs at me when i laugh at my own unfunny jokes! (i say happily..)

oh and of course meeting the edin people for bbqs, pre dept talk etc.

anyway my conclusion is that human beings are really interesting. more interesting than grasshoppers or insects and things. (no offense to people who study these things..) but really! all our little dramas, loves, scandals, follibles, falliabilities.. i've never grown tired of dissecting why people behave the inexplicable ways they do, discussing why some things strike a dischordant chord and, i don't know, it reads like an ever mutating novel with a hundred possibilities (i guess it IS, so pretty dumb thing to say). but it's just endlessly fascinating mostly. and of course the human body is endlessly interesting too but let's store up the medicine love for term time when needed lol.

all that said, i guess the good things in life are meant to tide you over the bad parts, or something. not all memories come with rose-tinted glasses; not all unpleasant things have been hazed over, perhaps we don't come equipped with sufficient mental liquid paper? it's dangerous too, to forget how hot the fires were the first time you touched them, or how you ran from them upon seeing them miles away. you might think it's safe now, but it's not, it's never safe.

some things have endured copious amounts of correction tape, like that day with d in nuh. i will run marathons, swim oceans, bicycle continents, basically do entire trialathons just to prevent having to enact that play again with anyone. but it's all a play isn't it, life's just a stage and we all players. whatever it is i love what i have now with d, it's like a really awesome friendship and i know it's endured erm, a LOT so you know, seems to be pretty hardy. which is good, more than i can say for some others, but things differ i suppose. anyway, soap bubbles and marshmallows are pretty, so even if they aren't lasting, i'm willing to have friendships founded upon them just for that few moments of joy. anyway, there have always been more than a few, so it isn't that bad. i suppose.

since the last time i wrote, things have been shaping up, hopes have taken on nebulous forms, and all but dissapated. but whatever it is, you just have to find a way through the mess. i'm involved in some church stuff for the interim till i go back, which is nice, cos it's always good to know the doctrine before shoving one's ill-informed ideas down people's throats, not that i'm intending to but in case i get really caught up in the heat of the moment.. and it's always good not to happily tell people the wrong thing anyway, whether harshly or with great gentility. like the catholic church says you MUST believe there was ONLY adam and eve and no other first parents, and it does not disagree with evolution but it does not affirm it. so you could possibly think adam and eve were apes. but upon thinking about this i think this is not entirely possible, because God made man in his image, and... well. yes. but anyway that's really important because they were the origin of sin, thus the first, original sin, which is what requires redemption.

but mostly i identified with the bit that said, since then, the world has pretty much sucked, because of that sin. like... yeah tell me about it.. lol. gosh, free will, don't get me started. too much playing of sims 3 (too much free time) = terrible pseudo-philosophizing. but yeah, upswing of happiness reccently, who's complaining, better enjoy it whilst i can. i think sushi is happifying shall have it more often :)

ohh and i'm really proud of myself, i have NOT been deluging people with the latest chapters of my personal soap operas (mainly cos there haven't been much but yknow, i used to drag out endless reruns, honestly i'm amazed these friends are still around heh). but really! milestone! unfortunately starbucks has been earning tooo much money from me this summer, arghhh. maybe i should go work for them instead. and learn how to make starbucks coffee!


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...