Monday, July 20, 2009

from the land of eternal sunshine

I feel like I've landed on mars if you ask me. I've never had such a gloriously long holiday before, and am thusly spending it in fantastic hedonism. Ie, complete slackdom hitherto unknown to humanity. Well, my humanity, at any rate. Haha I guess who's complaining right ;p

It's been interesting, doing all the things I wanted to do after A's but never got round to doing. Watching house, grey's anatomy, computer games, going out with people randomly to do random fun things, baking!! YAY FINALLY WE DID IT WOOTS. Spending time with people. And of course things always seem more fun when they lie enticingly in the horizon, thank you extended hols for teaching me this quite soundly SIGH. But I think the baking was definitely a good one :) Banana walnut cake and flourless chocolate cake now lie in my fridge if anyone's interested!

And for the random vague thoughts now

I can't shake the feeling that God was watching over me this entire year. And that my prayers that every step I took would be the right thing to do did not go unanswered, even if sometimes they seemed to echo hollowly round cavernous, unfamiliar churches (read: not the comfortable small chapel i have somehow come to love). Some things just fall into place so nicely, like g and me having to give the gifts our first mass there, although it being our first mass, we were all blur and everything. Like how I lighted candles at Notre Dame and Sacre Coeur, well at least I think I did at both... and perhaps, maybe, that's what drew me so strongly to the trip, be it unwittingly or no. Whatever it is, plan or no plan, I definitely have been more religious than in a long time. I don't know if this could have been achieved any other way, maybe yes, maybe no, but who am I to decide. It is good, that I never completely gave up, and that whenever I did, in whatever way, there was always someone there for me. I could definitely have done some things better, but I think all in all it was a good effort. And it was extremely fun, I think, reading back.

For what it's worth of course everything I missed about here has it's merits. And it's no one's fault that it holds so many memories. That isn't bad! It's what made me miss it (to SOME extent, not that much really heh), well, some things about it. I guess because you miss the people, and I didn't feel that I lost the people there, with msn and all, that helped immensely. But when you're physically somewhere, every small thing brings back memories, mostly good, but the bad ones that have endured the test of time, extremely dense and pungent. That I think is the hardest. People get homesick overseas. I'm immune to this, or I was, fortuitiously, goodness knows there was enough to deal with. Unfortunately, I come back and I'm suddenly faced with all the baggage I failed to deal with before leaving. Could these things EVER have been dealt with anyway? Probably not.

But in ways different and similar, I was happy then, I am happy now, and I think I will be happy. I just have to remember that sometimes, and other times, remember that one should just shut up and do what one has to do, in order to ensure that happiness you think you will get. Great, I sound hung up about happiness. I don't think I am so much as having read so many books about profoundly unhappy people as vehicles for literary techniques, philosophies, and moods of the times, I now cannot do anything but try my hardest not to land up like that. But art and life is not always the same...

I was doing a pathetic rendition of room packing this evening, it's really hard when you cant remember what you put where one year ago. Now all my dust allergies are killing me, guess I literally swept everything under the carpet... I found a rather random box labelled jc stuff which also had alot of projects I did in secondary school and china trip memorabilia, plus one or two primary school things hanging around miserably. It had my part of the class jigsaw right on top, and I sat down on the floor and re-read all the kind things the classmates wrote. I think that definitely ranks up there with the good memories. heh darcy and donuts ;p I also found my fav postcard, nic's david's michaelangelo, and lots of extremely upbeat, enthused, sweet notes from n hahaha totally made my day, thank you n!! :) and oh yes, quite a few notes/ postcards from yee ying, I just wanna say that although most of the times we hung out was basically random mugging in the library, your notes really cheered me up!! Esp when you fall asleep and you wake up to find encouraging notes on the tys or whatever it might be.

And most importantly perhaps, I found this

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

which is rather at odds with my now pretty much yay sun yay flowers hm is my drink spiked must be WOOHOO! life, before i crash down from my always caffeine-highs, but is. i wont judge whether this is good or bad or delusive or whatever but hey i'm happy now well i earned it definitely. but that was, and that got me through, more than through. and i will not ever forget it.

thank you, litany against fear, for bringing me to this day. i am more grateful than i can ever say.(well thank you frank herbert, i guess)

and indeed, where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only i will remain.

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