Friday, July 24, 2009

i just want to say that i'm glad i found such a happy place, and that it's really amazing how it's (well mostly) love peace laughter joy. and maybe that's why last sem i tried so hard to help some people who were unhappy. on hindsight i should have spent less time on msn counselling people and more time studying... heh but oh well never mind, there's always next sem. but yeah i think it's really cool how random people come together and bond, this has probably been the closest i've been to such a big group of people at once and it's really nice :)

just thinking about that cos j was telling us about the new yr 1s, and it occurred to me what it was like one year ago, being terrified i would be stopped at immigration and preparing like THREE sets of acceptance letters etc etc incase i lost one, not really knowing anyone, and this hols, which is such a contrast to all the ones i've ever had before.

but anyway not the time for pseudo-angst now, great day cycling + dinnerrr with them yesterday and TWO MONTHS MORE OF FREEDOM woot

Monday, July 20, 2009

ok i think i know why


from the land of eternal sunshine

I feel like I've landed on mars if you ask me. I've never had such a gloriously long holiday before, and am thusly spending it in fantastic hedonism. Ie, complete slackdom hitherto unknown to humanity. Well, my humanity, at any rate. Haha I guess who's complaining right ;p

It's been interesting, doing all the things I wanted to do after A's but never got round to doing. Watching house, grey's anatomy, computer games, going out with people randomly to do random fun things, baking!! YAY FINALLY WE DID IT WOOTS. Spending time with people. And of course things always seem more fun when they lie enticingly in the horizon, thank you extended hols for teaching me this quite soundly SIGH. But I think the baking was definitely a good one :) Banana walnut cake and flourless chocolate cake now lie in my fridge if anyone's interested!

And for the random vague thoughts now

I can't shake the feeling that God was watching over me this entire year. And that my prayers that every step I took would be the right thing to do did not go unanswered, even if sometimes they seemed to echo hollowly round cavernous, unfamiliar churches (read: not the comfortable small chapel i have somehow come to love). Some things just fall into place so nicely, like g and me having to give the gifts our first mass there, although it being our first mass, we were all blur and everything. Like how I lighted candles at Notre Dame and Sacre Coeur, well at least I think I did at both... and perhaps, maybe, that's what drew me so strongly to the trip, be it unwittingly or no. Whatever it is, plan or no plan, I definitely have been more religious than in a long time. I don't know if this could have been achieved any other way, maybe yes, maybe no, but who am I to decide. It is good, that I never completely gave up, and that whenever I did, in whatever way, there was always someone there for me. I could definitely have done some things better, but I think all in all it was a good effort. And it was extremely fun, I think, reading back.

For what it's worth of course everything I missed about here has it's merits. And it's no one's fault that it holds so many memories. That isn't bad! It's what made me miss it (to SOME extent, not that much really heh), well, some things about it. I guess because you miss the people, and I didn't feel that I lost the people there, with msn and all, that helped immensely. But when you're physically somewhere, every small thing brings back memories, mostly good, but the bad ones that have endured the test of time, extremely dense and pungent. That I think is the hardest. People get homesick overseas. I'm immune to this, or I was, fortuitiously, goodness knows there was enough to deal with. Unfortunately, I come back and I'm suddenly faced with all the baggage I failed to deal with before leaving. Could these things EVER have been dealt with anyway? Probably not.

But in ways different and similar, I was happy then, I am happy now, and I think I will be happy. I just have to remember that sometimes, and other times, remember that one should just shut up and do what one has to do, in order to ensure that happiness you think you will get. Great, I sound hung up about happiness. I don't think I am so much as having read so many books about profoundly unhappy people as vehicles for literary techniques, philosophies, and moods of the times, I now cannot do anything but try my hardest not to land up like that. But art and life is not always the same...

I was doing a pathetic rendition of room packing this evening, it's really hard when you cant remember what you put where one year ago. Now all my dust allergies are killing me, guess I literally swept everything under the carpet... I found a rather random box labelled jc stuff which also had alot of projects I did in secondary school and china trip memorabilia, plus one or two primary school things hanging around miserably. It had my part of the class jigsaw right on top, and I sat down on the floor and re-read all the kind things the classmates wrote. I think that definitely ranks up there with the good memories. heh darcy and donuts ;p I also found my fav postcard, nic's david's michaelangelo, and lots of extremely upbeat, enthused, sweet notes from n hahaha totally made my day, thank you n!! :) and oh yes, quite a few notes/ postcards from yee ying, I just wanna say that although most of the times we hung out was basically random mugging in the library, your notes really cheered me up!! Esp when you fall asleep and you wake up to find encouraging notes on the tys or whatever it might be.

And most importantly perhaps, I found this

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

which is rather at odds with my now pretty much yay sun yay flowers hm is my drink spiked must be WOOHOO! life, before i crash down from my always caffeine-highs, but is. i wont judge whether this is good or bad or delusive or whatever but hey i'm happy now well i earned it definitely. but that was, and that got me through, more than through. and i will not ever forget it.

thank you, litany against fear, for bringing me to this day. i am more grateful than i can ever say.(well thank you frank herbert, i guess)

and indeed, where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only i will remain.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

harry potter!

Watched the harry potter movie today with g, j, j, b hahaha r tells me this makes my blog sound like gossip girl. Anyways it was really nice :) The movie was pretty ok, good for a harry potter movie, and I absolutely love seeing the books being brought to life, it's so cool to imagine going to school and living in a (literally and metaphorically) magical world like that, so unless it's a truly horrific movie I'd probably enjoy it anyway just for the sense of peeking into the wizarding world..

I found the two focuses of OH NO THE DARK LORD and ~ron! ~hermione! ~ginny thoroughly amusing in their incongruity, though the romantic trials made it overall really enjoyable and a good diversion from LOOMING DOOM and malfoy's near-crazed schoolboy rather ineffectual efforts to prove himself. And mostly I just felt sorry for malfoy having to bear the burden of doing dark deeds all by himself while harry and friends had good fun, guess this answers my truly inmature or perhaps extremely cynical jc self who asked -what's the point of having friends?- or i guess, just don't go over to the dark side, even if they have cookies...

good things
1. ran this morning!
2. waffles for breakfast
3. harry potter!
4. meeting up with lovely people again :)
5. awesome yoghurt
6. starbucks coffee!!
7. no loong protracted walk and bus ride home heh

horrible stuff
1. i know one should pick and choose one's battles, but i can't help feeling sometimes that i choose wrongly, i don't know. i wish i had chosen to give it my all. but i just couldnt. i couldn't risk not daring to ever suceed again. it is enough to know that i have suceeded and conquered it and its ilk before, i don't need to prevent myself from ever being able to psychologically face this prospect again. in that light, i made the right choice. and i can't say i didn't try, yeah i do know i was distracted by so many other things plus i didn't want history to repeat itself, so many reasons, but i did make an attempt DESPITE the reasons not to succeed... well on one hand, they do say if you set out to fail you will, on another hand, there are concrete improvements to be made.

that's not all bad. i have excuses to soften the blow, legitimate excuses i understand, which is enough because i'm the only one beating myself up over it. well not beating up, but it certainly rankles. and i also know how things can be improved. and despite everything, which now actually seems WORSE than when it was happening, i managed to get through relatively unscathed, with a relatively good outcome. could have been much better, could also have been worse. i tried my best without killing myself to get there, as i have practically done on other occasions. so, whatever. it sucks, but it isn't a new feeling anyways, just not one i have felt for awhile since my a's triumph. but big deal, that took immense amounts of angst, etc etc, and i'm not ready to quite do that for a while either.

humph. it's just a balancing act i've got to figure out. and next year, i must really NOT get so... ugh... well, you guys know... it's just that that sort of thing never IMPEDED my efforts in other areas before, it usually fuelled my motivation in one way or another, so i could not really have anticipated it. i couldn't really stop it either, but... strength. next year i will have strength, this year i think i got my sanity and my soul back, and regrets or no, i'm just really thankful i did, for obvious reasons.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

just a note, i am not actually unhappy! i do like thinking, and sometimes, too much enforced happiness can really do you in? unless there is really ceaseless reason to be happy, but even then i think that might be overly saccharine after a bit. i don't think i could carry on without some time out, to confront everything, to fix it (i hope).

if i can. i don't actually know.

but hey - if i could do that, i think this - might actually be doable.
i don't WANT this to engulf me, in fact i really would rather it not concern me at all. but unfortunately, it does.

anyway, past few days have been quite good, meetups and all, copious amounts of coffee, cake & cycling, good stuff.

but things are tough, erm, with great joy comes great angst? something like that anyway.

what this has taught me if anything is this. the yearning for something, no matter how hard the struggle might be, whether you finally achieve it or not, the actual trying to get to where you want to get to is what makes the story. once you have got it all sorts of discontents will fill the picture. i am not saying, it is worth it, for if you don't actually get it, well, that just sucks. i am just saying, it is like that, that is life for you. and much as i may rail about it, i prefer life to the lack thereof.

it was good today :)

am now gripped with a real travel lust

keats actually wrote a sonnet to a cat, gosh i love the guy.

i think i see a glimmer of hope now. and i accept that the hope may not lie in the direction i had wished. i accept that friends can be gained and lost, friends can be vigorously ignored. there are friends whom you will barely see again, friends who tell you not to be stupid and don't go away even no matter what you do. friends who keep you sane during math class, and from millions of miles away. there will be things you fail at completely, yet obstacles you manage to overcome. there will be some sort of celestial wheel of fortune, sometimes i think, determining the outcome.

but whatever it is, the magic lies in the times you find a way around a problem that has plagued you for time immemorial. it lies in reading a poem and being absolutely staggered. in reading a book that makes you dream of far-off isles, happy pursuits, the happiness we all seek. the sort that makes you plough on although all you see in tomorrow is more of the same, more having to live out the problems you can't solve, the sort where the only thing you are sure of is that what you are doing is wrong, but you can't stop yourself. it lies in all the times you bother to make time for someone maybe based on good memories, something they've done for you in the past, something, some invisible thread, baskets of goodwill, cabinets full of ious for being generously kind and wonderful, tucked away in your mind. it lies in grudgingly giving way, forgiving people, being forgiven (i hope).

that wasn't fun though. not one moment of it was. sometimes it's worth it, this wasn't worth it, not even one jot. i feel like it's a story that loses itself in the telling, that unravels at the seams, that fades with every retelling or embellishment. the only redemptive part is that as the rain falls on the roads, the streetlights shine a river of light that tells me where to go.

Monday, July 6, 2009

was smsing a friend reccently, and on hindsight, only God's grace brought me through some really trying times. it sure didn't feel like it at the time. so, i'm really thankful for that.

trying to embark on baking now, but ingredients seem totally random and rare. going to hunt down icing sugar now!

i tried to run this morning but the rain was thoroughly frustrating. as i wore my shoes, it went on and off three times, crescendoed and petered off alternately, and finally got to the stage where it would have been slightly masochistic to actually head off in the downpour. so i gave up and had breakfast, whereupon it ceased completely.

i need to find a way to do things without wanting to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich, or to throw myself off my hermitous mountain in loneliness and despair. honestly! but i think i needed to get things out of my system. i think despite my great happiness, etc, i was too good, too annoyingly considerate, never angsty, etc. you just need a good angst every now and then or you'll go mad. but that place is a pretty happifying place, so i guess it was inevitable. it's not all bad to be happy for an extended period of time, right?

ok cupcakes :)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

this is harder than i expected. WHY?! you know, it's not that i haven't tried to find the answer. this is proving fiendishly difficult. i did try, i did. every solution just didn't work. even confessing (my favourite habit now it seems....) that this solution is so obviously just a stop gap degenerates into mindless crap.

i have been rendered bereft of the usual bright ideas, of areas of least resistance. everything just feeds into a dead end. you know they say, all roads lead to rome, well, now all roads lead to a major cul de sac. apparently, i am also wrong and quite insane for even contemplating this truth. i am supposed to... actually, i have no idea what i am quite supposed to do.

so perhaps it was quite random, or perhaps in some sense, unfair or unwarranted? i'm not sure. but in another sense, it was, it is the truth, that i had to say because i can no longer bear this. true, no one can do anything about it, so why bother to launch full scale protests, right? but the more i think about it, i tried every way to make it work, and it makes perfect sense to me. honestly, sue me for wanting to be happy.

i'm sick of finding things to do, ways to get out of this rut. just utterly utterly sick of it and everything that has brought things to this place.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

oh hahaha

lol. anyway, i think i've found the closest to true joy, well, that is available at this point in time heh. and i can see the ticket to absolute happiness, though whether i can ever get it is another thing altogether, it's not too late. it's not too late. i think. true, it may or may not lead me there, but i cannot not try. and even so, you can never truly escape. but any escape is better than nothing. (i think)

anyway, blahblah, quite happy atm

that was a really interesting night, i felt free in so many ways, when i'm in other lands i may be slightly more free per se, but i feel fettered by all sorts of dangers like walking home alone late at night is bad etc (though i no longer really fear that, not at all). or like wherever, having to think of things to say and do. well after so many years and so many things, it's just pretty cool just to hang out like that, walk at night with a vague idea of where to go, feel completely safe not having to worry about anything. it was nice :)


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...