Thursday, June 25, 2009

half the time, i feel i've done it all right, the other half, i can't help but feel, i brought this all upon myself. but did i really? sometimes, it's perfectly fine, the wind is in your hair, you feel virtuous for having the priorities all lined up like ducks in a row. you feel glad for having achieved your lifelong dreams, or well, after a fashion. you remember moments of hilarity, heartwarming things people said or did during cold winters, literal and not. you bop to happy music, fill your eyes with pleasing pictures, fantasize about holidays on faraway isles, sailing down the french riviera on a white yacht. you rattle off your litany of things to do, imagining how they will make you happy.

is this enough? i dare not say it is not.

and saturdays, slipping in my petitions, hoping against hope
will it work? i will not forget how i came to know this happiness. for it is at that place, washing away tears from the tap in the garden so no one would see, that this amazing miracle came to be

how can i sully this miracle by living this life of regret?

but what have i done wrong?

the sad thing is not in listing what i know too clearly i have not. actually it becomes less and less clear by the moment, like a ship receeding into the distance. i am only aware of this sense of shifting tides, sandcastles being washed away, and not being able to do anything about it. i think these are bad habits that i cannot change. and j is right, entirely right, although he may not have known why. i don't bother because i know what the outcomes are. to try would leave me with nothing anyway, so i only do as much as is required to get from point a to b, to get from the morning to the evening. if i could sit in the himalayas on a mountain all day long, alone, i probably would. and then angst about being alone.

well, it goes further than that, but simply put.

i just want to thank you guys for waiting for me that night when i talked to x and i thought i would have to walk back alone, i didn't actually expect it and i felt really touched by it :) hope you guys are having good hols, i am, despite all the angst i seem to be churning out heh, these thoughts have to go somewhere... and i don't know who i could tell it to. with some luck, tomorrow might be better, i don't know. it might, it is packed with things, medicine which always cheers me up (yes good be obsessed -_-) and a musical at night, well it's by a church oh actually good too, to say i have been feeling spiritually dry would be an understatement, apart from saturdays petitioning and being grateful for the major miracle of my life, i spend the rest of the time griping about things, if not practicing pretend to be cheerful or ignore my shitty life and really be cheerful 101. in which there is a great deal of overlap unfortunately, can't think why.

WHY does everything have to contradict, WHY can't things just go as planned. this place, really... it's not just hot and humid, it's COMPLICATED. there, there is only ONE complication, and i'm always a happy bunny and... HAPPY...and... cheering people up, and stuff. this place seems like, the place dreams reside in, only dreams. you can make plans but they stagger and get dehydrated. i just spent the evening drooling over a triathalon magazine, i don't know why. it seemed so amazing that they could put such a tough regime into action, and watching them cross that line into victory...even the dude who came in last place looked so happy. and hey yeah, he accomplished something, despite all the things that trip humans up. they conquered human falliability - procrastination, fatigue, family issues, what people thought of them, funny things cropping up halfway, to do what they wanted.

and the thing is, that i want this, and that's what scares me. that even though i don't like like this right now, the alternative is far worse. and don't get me wrong, i like the day to dayness of it. it's just that sometimes some things become painfully clear, and... ugh. so i'll do it. it's been plaguing me for what seems like forever, i guess erm it makes life more interesting.

and thank YOU, for some reason friendship seems in short order at the moment, and i am really grateful for your help, more than i can say.

it seems like such a small thing, yet this means so much. i'm not sure if this conundrum will or can be solved, or what can solve it. maybe a lot, a lot of coffee. no. i doubt it.

what might though ;p
2 books of plays, 1 foxtrot comic, tales of life in provence, spoils from the library

blahblah this is all worthwhile

and greys anatomy, some things dont change...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

life is generally a happy thing. i must not forget this.
and in case i do, i must remember that it is the smallest things that make the biggest difference.
that people that seem to have been deprived of their first choice of a path to walk can now be finding their own happinesses, and people one has envied, doing things you would have never imagined them to. not that it really matters, this is their life not yours. the point is, our jobs in life is to find the way of least resistance... to find a happy medium.

i've thought long and hard about it since my plane landed and i tried to figure out what to do with myself, or rather, tried hard to put myriad grand plans into action. i've built numerous castles in the air, which have all been grandiosely deflated, so i guess they were more like, inflatable castles filled with air.

but though i haven't really ticked much off my to do lists or whatever, although i have nothing stupendously cool to declare, although i could probably dredge things up and wayang a bit, well, why bother honestly. because -dare i say it- i am... no, i dare not tempt fate to say i am happy. it is not entirely true though, because personally i think real happiness has two components, the first of which i more than fulfil- feeling a sense of achievement at having made the right choices/ done the right things, but which is so TEMPORARY, i did the right things yesterday and the day before but how about tomorrow? and if i am tired and fail to do what i must, then how? but anyway, i did the right thing. thank goodness for all that. and the second of which is looking forward to something which is just within reach like for instance if i had booked a trip to provence departing tomorrow, or the maldives, or mauritus or something like that. #$% swine flu, i could be exploring hongkong or france or wtv now instead of philosophizing on my computer at home... yes i know i might have missed it mildly when the option was not available but STILL

so well, i'm just glad that considering all the circumstances i'm having a really good time here. and heh interesting experiences shadowing doctors i must say. i don't know how to describe what i've been up to, and dont wish to be found so won't detail it. but it's just nice and i wouldn't want to have been doing anything else.

the question is: for the months ahead of me, what should i do?

i have no good answer for these things.
but i do want to
1) go to an utterly out of the way restaurant, or one that serves seriously exotic cusine like alfghanistan or morocan cusine with michelle and catch up with her
2) watch at least 3 plays and concerts (this should be no prob)
3) learn at least one thing, be it jazz dance, capoeira, french (i should really sign up for this soon)
4) brush up my cycling skillz so i can join the uni cycling club when i go back :) and so i can cycle in france in a few years time..
5) go back earlier than intended to eurotrip :)
6) meet up with friends. eventually. i willll do this. if anything. esp the people that got me through lots of random angsty periods, and who listened to diatribes about lots of things, mostly exams, and were generally lovely. and baking. really!!

sometimes i feel like a sim haha. with all the changing wants and stuff.
but whatever it is, the center MUST hold. i can never let go of this innate knowledge of where to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


this whole thing is quite mad. but what's new, right? the canal i run at is closed, i would like to read into that, but honestly i'm too tired of metaphorising my life, it doesn't matter anyway. not sure if i let a whole slew of false hopes derail what i was pretending, attempting to do all along, but... gosh i won't even go there. it was sufficient, not something to be proud of, but something to breathe a sigh of relief about.

pmsing today, blew off all the things i'd agreed to do (what's. new), which is quite a bummer cos it was promising to be quite a nice sunday, curled up in front of the computer watching the final episodes of gossip girl season 2. alone, legitimately for once, with truly nothing else i have to be doing (thank you cramps, never thought i'd say this). it's actually quite nice, i miss this cosy, comfortable room and the sunday routine, and all the insanities that seem to fly at me the moment i step foot on this continent. well maybe not miss it... but it's worse being up there in the ivory tower and not knowing anything... well this is debatable.

the point is, gossip girl = sure-fire cure for depression/homesickness/ all sorts of angst, basically the best form of escapism ever invented. korean dramas are quite nice too, but definitely a sweeter sort of candy, almost saccharine.

i'm not sure if this is the right thing, frankly i've long since lost any ability to judge the rightness or wrongness of things. there's something about the milieu of this place, that seems to occlude all of my judgemental skills.. and i doubt the temperature gives extra excuses for hotheadedness somehow... lol. but anyway, whatever it is la, i don't regret those things, although i no longer feel anything at all, nor can i even remember the things i used to poeticize and think about on long mrt rides, i know it made life thoroughly exciting. and lots of things would have been impossible if not much less fun without it all, so, yeah. the further i get from that day (although i won't forget a single part of it), the more good things seem to be occuring as a result of it. and it's cheering. unequivocally cheering.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

home :)

I have learnt that I have NOT grown up, that any restrictions I might face are restrictions that exist in any case independently of my physical location. That people might prevent me from doing things that I myself would deprive myself of doing for any number of reasons in any case. I have learnt that I don't actually run away from things, I give in to things I pretend not to want to do, virtuously, but actually really really desire. I fear this great, illegal happiness I do not own, but I seek it anyhow. It is only in these quickly forgotten moments, much like drug-taking in which I revel.

And years later, these truly do not mean anything. And the cost of it all is hardly ever worth it, because you don't remember anything. The hangover, the realization that it means nothing to anyone, the recriminations, are useless and terrible. But it is worth it in the grander scheme of things. It is worth it to be able to have these moments of clarity, when you remember the great happiness. All the times I was cynical about these things, I will never derive joy from. But when I look back on the hilarity I recorded in black and white, untainted by cynicism, although it richly deserved bitterness for everything that it consisted of, I truly can't even bring to mind any sort of devastation, though I know that was the worst ever.

And that gives this hope too - that which was the most devastating, objectively speaking, feels like nothing more than cotton candy - cloying and sweet and sold at funfairs - so this too will just be like pretty clouds adorning the sky of my memory. I think. I hope.

Am trying to find out what this summer is meant to hold. Don't think I fully know yet, what to do with myself. Intellectually being fully aware that restrictions mean nothing because left alone, I don't do anything much but rot anyway doesn't prevent me from anything. It's early days yet. And dare I say it - I miss busywork and mugging. Heh. But I still like reading storybooks and watching tv, of course... The grass is literally greener back there but here the pale forest green does have a charm of it's own. At least it never makes me feel guilty for not being out there in the sunlight and captivating green. BUT it is annoying that it's too hot to run whenever I wish. A whole new slew of obsessions occupy me however. I hope it will be a good summer.


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...