Monday, April 20, 2009

you know this is really very hard. it may sound lame and cheesy or obvious or needlessly opaque, whatever. nothing can detract from this. it is hard and unyielding. and i just have to accept that it is all God's will. coupled with possibly some rather bad decisions and tendancies to think a tad too positively on my part, perhaps.

but there are worse things in life, right? i suppose. yea. like starving in the sudan. blah blah. this just sucks. but anyway, since it's God's will, it has to be good.

i think that sometimes you cannot run away from the hard things. i think that things which are horrible are put in front of you to test you in ways you cannot comprehend. it may sound trite or over-used, but it IS a truth. whether it is so in this case or not... i need to wait for time to heal all so i have the benefit of hindsight. i could say anything and it might or might not be wrong.

all i know now, is that running away doesn't help. which is why i'm glad i stopped running for awhile, because it was beginning to feel too escapist. somehow when i'm inside the confines of a room and someone's shouting instructions at me, i feel like i'm doing the right thing for that moment. as much as i like running, whilst i'm running, my mind tells me i should be doing 101 other things, fulfilling all my other obligations. or it remembers things i really don't want to remember.

whatever happens i think i have done right. just keep telling myself that. and im glad im no longer running away. there's nothing to be scared of, i have envisioned all horrible eventualities, well not all, but enough. bring it on. i will react with complete equinamity to the worst you could do. you could slap me or spit at me (i think these are unlikely occurances), you could laugh at me or look incredulous (too likely for comfort, actually), you could wipe all memories from your mind, washing it with the detergent of blank looks and silences and of turning away. you could say caustic, unfriendly, rank, downright insulting things even. and all i will do is grin and deny it to the end. and the fact that i am able to withstand the worst of it, somehow makes it all okay. i'm sure one day it will be hilarious - it already is, actually. so that's all that counts. all i need in my life is hilarity and poetry and it will be cream and peaches. oh, and medicine, but i'm all set for that already so :)

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