Thursday, April 30, 2009

forgiveness is always the way to go
but to what extent?
i am leaning towards, forgiving and not forgetting

for whatever it is, be it denying me coffee or insulting my highlighters (obviously jk here but you get this gist of it)

so, fake it. yeah yeah exchanging one evil for another, but better in the long run. if you can fake being nice to someone you'll begin to believe it eventually, but you must have forgiven them to a certain extent already in order to be above baseline friendliness? and because you'll be going against your instinct, you won't forget. hopefully at least.

because he's right... i choose all this. every time you do anything, it does make a difference. you do shift something in the universe. it just depends how much or how little. if you're a butterfly, you can incite hurricanes. if you're just a normal soul staggering about in the dark, you can choose to make yourself euphorically happy (by going unconditionally for the morphine heh) or disastrously depressed by spending all your days with people who make you unhappy, or by agonising over the right courses of actions...

just do it. there is no real right or wrong, well maybe there is, but the wrong course is to dither and angst and to wring yourself like a tea-towel.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

it's really amazing sometimes how the slightest encouragment can make all the difference. and i really wish i could spend more time making people feel happy cos it's not how right you are per se, it's how you make people feel. and i - oh gah -

if there was even one reedeeming thing about everything i've done thus far i think it wouldn't be quite so bad. but i can't think of anything that rises above banality. i highly doubt making pretty notes counts, somehow. but i dont remember being horrible or nasty, i remember trying to practice wwjd. (hahaha nic remember this!!) but you're not supposed to count the good things you've done right?! anyway i've forgotten them, perhaps i just didn't do any at all.

i'm sure tomorrow will be better. and i'm even surer that i've said that thousands of time already.

the katinas - one more time

Lord, I saw your face last night
When I looked in the sky
You were smiling
You told me it would be okay
You would make a way
In my dark times
Every time I hear Your voice
Every time I feel Your touch
It makes me know that I can face tomorrow
One more time

When all my friends go away
I’ll be glad to say
You’re still near me
Even when the wind blows by
I feel warm inside

You’re so lovely
I need you, don’t leave me
Without you I can’t survive
I know that I can face tomorrow
‘Cause you will walk me through my
pain and sorrow
I know that I can face tomorrow
One more time
i hope i can. i hope i can.

sigh, i guess it's no point being right. why oh why have i spent all these years trying to convince people of things? i should have learnt a long time ago that people telling me they're right usually aren't, so why bother imposing my own opinions on them, arguing with them? they'll never see eye to eye with me, and i would just have wasted hours over nothing and it means absolutely nothing. it's just that people saying stuff which is blatantly wrong irks me. but whatever. to them, i'm blatantly wrong too...

since my recalibration went all off the charts yesterday, took time off to watch house, felt vaguely happy realising i could read the ecg machine.

a lot of things really are about perspective. i miss all the pointlessly fun arguments i ever had. but maybe we've all grown up and now all we can do is shove our strong opinions in people's faces, hurting and insulting them, because they've hurt or insulted us. i don't want to grow up if it means i have to pretend. but i don't even remember who i was, so i can't go back. and i don't want to, drugs and anatomy mean too much to me. maybe i threw away all these things when i decided it was all or nothing and now i won't ever entertain a single original thought or argument in my head; i have become nothing but a mass of insecurities and shiny small talk and empty coffee cups. because somewhere along the line i realised that all the things that made me me accounted for nothing so i thought right let's pursue things which actually lead to the main road for once not early morning chats that are hilarious but which you'll never remember (i can't remember any of the thousand i've had). and when i missed them i tried to get them back but - never again. no worthy topic, no worthy view about them, not the same people.

i dont know why something which doesn't count for anything means so terribly much to me. i had no idea i predicated my happiness on the strength of a good dispute. i miss so much the people who could jump from topic to topic and with whom i agreed to disagree. i wish someone could account for this.

and i should do the lecture on pain. it's quite painful really. LOLs
today is turning out to be real chill-out day
but i realised that i can't get angry at people for long... not that i can't can't but that i immediately feel like i should solve the conflict and iron out the differences. read: take back the unreasonable stuff i said.

and as for some causes of anger that are far more deep-seated... i really don't know how long it will take. but i do know that it's not a solution to hold on to it forever, obviously. it's just that it's really hard. i can SAY i will let it go, but it may not really go. my prayers are really being answered, more swiftly than i could have imagined. i do remember throwing in one line about studying really well too so let's hope that also comes to pass... haha.

but i'm glad i clarified how to hear God's voice and to know his will. not to say that there's a step by step way to do it like in scientific experiments... but for like big decisions... i think i more or less have a vague idea how to go about it. and that I have truly made the right discernment in the past :) that's comforting to know for obvious reasons.

i'm glad i opened up to some people, to varying degrees, but people are all different. and maybe that's the most important thing i got out of these past few weeks. that everyone responds differently to things. i know, it seems so DUH, but as in... you HAVE to apply double standards, multi-standards even. if not you just can't coexist peacefully in society. (i currently prefer peace to anarchy but can check back later)

and i guess there are definitely some character traits i need to work on myself. interestingly enough i lost my voice towards the end of it... maybe God is symbolically telling me to not talk so much, or something. i mean, i didn't combust or die of boredom, and i did manage to communicate with people to a certain extent... so yes... must really learn to only say good stuff. previously i tried to just say entertaining things ie things that made people laugh ie make them happy. UNFORTUNATELY i happily overlooked the loophole that it's probably not good to say gossipy stuff either etc. it may be really funny and intriguing but... yes.

anyway i just blew up at someone, got pretty offended. it's been a time of imbalance lah. because i am recalibrating on so many levels and trying to figure out what is right and wrong and it just slipped between the cracks when i was trying to rebuild my brick walls... i'm sorry. (although the person won't read this)

happily, i managed not to lose any jenga games, which bodes well for my love of surgery :)
PAIN and ANALGESICS lectures tomorrow, which feeds my love of drugsss. i'm a happy bunny. except of course i have yet to finish ecg and shower. win.

the conclusion is that i can't apply the same scale to everyone. and this feeling that God has planned all this, which has been so so unshakeable... i think i should ignore it no more than i should ignore the equally nagging feeling of disquiet. i just couldnt reconcile the two. but now, i think that some things mean more than just mere hours. that it's okay, you don't need to get offended .

on another note, i found my phone!!!!
so i cant write those ten poems i was planning... darn. probably better for the world though? lol.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

one republic

Talk to myself again, all alone, on my own
Walk by the scene again, just to see what people see
Caught in your stubborn hold, and I'm so far from home

- one republic, sleep

this song is admittedly not my fav out of the rest but i like the lyrics

pbl in 20mins, halfway through arrhythmias, i think i'm finding back my rhythm now
i've lost my phone, and hopefully i'll finally shake off some things that've been bugging me for awhile now.

but i would like the phone back. yes. let's do a barter trade, world? give me back my phone and i'll gladly pass you all the unwritten bad poetry i would rather not have to pen, really.

Friday, April 24, 2009

hmm i must stop sleeping so late!
thoughts are good but yknow generally only when they aren't frivolous navel-gazing epistles. oh well.

i have concluded that that really wasn't nice of me.
the point isn't who has offended you or whatever. ok, actually it is. well, er, the point is how you deal with it. i think if you're not deluded about it it's fine to be nice to people, knowing well that you could get nothing nice in return. because you don't EXPECT anything nice. (Actually, who doesn't really?!!) you can make an attempt to be undeluded though. and maybe i should stop "thinking" so much since this basically constitutes going round in circles.

and yeah, the last time i had the 'moral highground', not only did it turn out quite disastrous, after much letting off steam, i was no longer morally upright nor high in any sense of the word. but nevertheless, it's got to be worse to be purposefully nasty. and that's the hardest test of all, isn't it? (apart from the GARGHHHHHH) being genuinely upbeat and cheery and not blaming people for things you'd dearly like to blame them for.

cos today, i realised that no matter what i may say, despite how i might bluster and garble everything up into one huge mass of horribleness.... it doesn't make me feel better about it. as in it doesn't make it ok. what does make it ok is recalling the fun times. well, admittedly, it wasn't single-minded fun, considering all the things one had to consider, but ON HINDSIGHT which is all that matters now, it was fun. of course, duh, compared to now, duhhhhhhh. so.... at risk of being slightly nuts, i think i'll just keep the good bits around in my mind, and forge ahead with my new iron-cast plans. no need to sit on the seesaw and hang on for dear life without making a decision which way to go, just smile and say "that was awesome!" and make a run for it.

speaking of which i wonder if i can wake up to run tomorrow before school?! why are we meeting so early for priorities zzz PRIORITIES, PEOPLE!! lol sorry couldn't resist

oh oh the other day i was asking my friend a qn abt cartilage
me: which one is gross anatomy and which one is fine?!
friend: -has no idea-
me: i think this one is gross coz it looks kinda gross

i dont know how to say it la
but i -think- we might be getting the hang of this be strong during the best and worst times thing, the be optimistic and take everything upon yourself so everyone else can be happy thing. i always wondered how i managed it but now i see. and knowing that i'm not the only sad nutter doing this makes me feel so much more better

we might be getting this be inherently happy thing, finally, instead of the lets go around looking despondent and whinging thing. i hope so. i really hope so :)
hope i'm not getting flu ><
but just want to say... (for my own reference, cos its happy-making to make happy-making lists, for obvious reasons...)
thank you r for your flu medicine :)
thank you w for the really interesting conversations
thank you j for being so awesome, i'm sorry i didn't make it for the chicken thingggg

anatomy today was really nice, & so was finishing up pbl & sorting out ECG changes in MI (st elevates, then depresses, then new q waves coz the infarcted tissue is like a window & you can see what's going on on the other side of the heart) woot! & so was coffee before anat & spotting k's bollywood songs in anat haha :) and finding humor in everything, thank goodness for that.

but the reason why i'm writing this is to say that deuteronomy is incredibly moving, and it reminds me of the right path and i will try.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

monty python (to prevent self from keeling over and dying of too much osteoaaarghs)

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away.
..Sir Robin: *No!*
Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin: *I didn't!*
Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.

Arthur: "I am your King."
Peasant woman: "Well I didn't vote for you."
Arthur: "You don't vote for kings."
Woman: "Well how'd you become king, then?"
Arthur: "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king."
Dennis: "Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

Arthur: "What does it say?"
Brother Maynard: "It says: ``Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramethia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of AAAhhahhhhahhaaa.´´"
Arthur: "What?"
Brother Maynard: "The Castle of AAahaahhaaaaaa."
Sir Bedemere: "What, he's dead?"
Brother Maynard: "He must've died while carving it."
Arthur: "Oh, come on!"
Brother Maynard: "Well that's what it says."
Arthur: "Look, if he was dying he wouldn't bother to carve ``Aahhaahaaaaaa.´´ He'd just say it."
Brother Maynard: "Well that's what's carved in the rock."
Sir Lancelot: "Perhaps he was dictating."
Arthur: "Oh, shut up."

I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

blackadder quotes

Lord Melchett: - "Blackadder you twist and turn like a twisty turny thing" (Blackadder 2)

Blackadder: I'm off to see the Queen.
Percy: Oh, should I come too, my lord?
Blackadder: No, best not. People might think we're friends

Blackadder II, Head
Blackadder : What are you wearing around your neck?
Percy : Ah! It's my new ruff!
Blackadder : You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy : It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather sexy!Blackadder : To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.

Melchett : Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead.
Blackadder : Oh woe! Murdered of course.
Melchett : No, oddly enough no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept.

Blackadder II
Baldrick, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets."

Lord Melchit: "What I drunk last night, would have floored a rhinoscerous."
EB: "Yes, if it was allergic to lemonade."- Beer, BA2

EB: "First Name?"
B: "I'm not sure."
EB: "Come on, you MUST have a first name."
B: "It might be Sod Off."
EB: "Sod Off??"
B: "Yeah, when I was a young lad playing in the gutter, I used to say to all the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick". And they'd say, "Yes we know, Sod Off Baldrick"
- Blackadder and Baldrick filling a application form..

"You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it."- Lord Percy, to EB's religious Uncle Whiteadder, Beer, BA2

EB: "What is your name, boy ?"
Boy: "Kate."
EB: "Kate, that's an unusual name for a boy."
Boy: "It's short for ... Bob."
- Kate, trying to pass as a boy, BA2

"And in Genoa, it is the custom to stand with one foot in a bucket, pin a live frog to one's shoulder braid, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by."- EB to Queenie, Head, BA2

Hag: "Two things you must know about the wise woman. First...she is a woman. Second...she is..."
EB: "Wise?"
Hag: "Oh! You know her then?"
EB: "No, just a stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting in a minute if you don't become more helpful."
- EB to Olf Hag, Bells, BA2

:) :) :)
so freaking tired. zzzzz

the meadows are really pretty. the grass really is greener on the other side haha. i don't think i could have gone running today though. just physically impossible. i realised eternal summer has spoilt me, and now i treat sunlight as a commodity to be treasured. so despite everything... it was a good day, simply because of that walk back home through the pathways dappled with golden light.

and the awesome nap i took after dinner. bones never looked so pretty as when i was wide awake and raring to go.

delusions aren't so fun when you're aware of them. oh darn.
It all seems rather surreal actually, the whole thing.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

first day of school

v inventive title i know! anyway i'm on track with the third lecture of the day... going from 3 days to do one lecture, this is EXHAUSTING zomgg. if only i was so inspired earlier, could have saved myself loads of pain. I NEED BLACKADDER NOWWW
but nono cannot


Monday, April 20, 2009

you know this is really very hard. it may sound lame and cheesy or obvious or needlessly opaque, whatever. nothing can detract from this. it is hard and unyielding. and i just have to accept that it is all God's will. coupled with possibly some rather bad decisions and tendancies to think a tad too positively on my part, perhaps.

but there are worse things in life, right? i suppose. yea. like starving in the sudan. blah blah. this just sucks. but anyway, since it's God's will, it has to be good.

i think that sometimes you cannot run away from the hard things. i think that things which are horrible are put in front of you to test you in ways you cannot comprehend. it may sound trite or over-used, but it IS a truth. whether it is so in this case or not... i need to wait for time to heal all so i have the benefit of hindsight. i could say anything and it might or might not be wrong.

all i know now, is that running away doesn't help. which is why i'm glad i stopped running for awhile, because it was beginning to feel too escapist. somehow when i'm inside the confines of a room and someone's shouting instructions at me, i feel like i'm doing the right thing for that moment. as much as i like running, whilst i'm running, my mind tells me i should be doing 101 other things, fulfilling all my other obligations. or it remembers things i really don't want to remember.

whatever happens i think i have done right. just keep telling myself that. and im glad im no longer running away. there's nothing to be scared of, i have envisioned all horrible eventualities, well not all, but enough. bring it on. i will react with complete equinamity to the worst you could do. you could slap me or spit at me (i think these are unlikely occurances), you could laugh at me or look incredulous (too likely for comfort, actually), you could wipe all memories from your mind, washing it with the detergent of blank looks and silences and of turning away. you could say caustic, unfriendly, rank, downright insulting things even. and all i will do is grin and deny it to the end. and the fact that i am able to withstand the worst of it, somehow makes it all okay. i'm sure one day it will be hilarious - it already is, actually. so that's all that counts. all i need in my life is hilarity and poetry and it will be cream and peaches. oh, and medicine, but i'm all set for that already so :)
it's so hard to know God's will sometimes... i hope this is it though. i guess because i tend to talk to much, i tend to say all the stuff i will do and not do it.. well in any case i hope to do better (I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR AGESSSS)

but heh anyways today's dinner conversation where we were plotting ways to make ourselves concentrate was vv funny

ok part of the sermon today was something about keeping the commandments, and that you should pray that keeping the commandments never becomes burdensome. which i think is quite important, coz no point doing the right thing and griping about it right? (again, guilty... oops.) i mean of course some things are easy, i've not really been annoyed before that i couldn't kill someone, but some are just well. harder.

it's a good day though, coz went for spinning at the gym, i'm -totally- addicted to it, plus i did drugs ;p the kinds to cure asthma and copd though sorry. haha today david asked me: is it easy to get drugs there. i said erm i've never tried but i assume it's possible coz i keep reading about drug busts in the papers. there are plenty in amsterdam though. then he was like "oh can you bring me back some".

and HAHAHA i'm now obsessed with blackadder, for GOOD REASON. unfortunately the humor isn't very reproducible. and a lot of it is about like, uhm "thingies" which is not really dinner conversation. okay there ARE some classic quotes but NOT BEING ROWAN ATKINSON i can't really pull them off. plus there's too many to remember.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

i really don't like making decisions
also, i think i'm reaching burnout stage, this is really bad coz i have >1 month more to exams and i'm waaaay behind on my timetable, which was plotted to give me maximum slacking time. i COULD have scheduled myself to finish 5 lectures in 1 day not 1 lecture in 1 day...

good thing i didnt though, considering i can take FIVE DAYS to do one lecture

how can anyone get burnout from watching too much blackadder anyway?!!! i think my job should be official blackadder watcher. church in 10 mins, oh thank God for church, seriously. it's like a sanctury. i <3 the chapel. i miss the church at home who would have thought. but the chapel reminds me of it, very strongly. oh crap i'm going to the silent mass. oh well. better than the big cathedral where the priests just keep sermonizing YOUNG PEOPLE THESE DAYS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND zzzz well, some are, true, but i kind of prefer sermons about love and mercy and us not being perfect and God loving us anyway so doesn't that make you feel like wanting to go forth from the mass and do good deeds and show him how grateful you are for forgiving you 100000 times?


anyway, really, the priests at the small chapel tailor their sermons towards the university students i suspect, so sermons like TSK TSK BAD DRUNKEN STUDENTS wouldn't go down too well. ok la to each their own. it just showed me how much i've grown to love the little chapel and the amazing chaplains who served bread and soup to us on ash wednesday, all apron-clad and everything. we're planning to join the catholic student society next year! and honestly i can't wait!! i want to join the choir and the lectors and omgggg next year faster comee. (this also would mean the happy eventuality of PASSING MY EXAMS)

lol. i tend to get obsessed with things. currently, i'm quite keen on passing my exams, for rather obvious reasons, primarily that i'll be at HOME when the results come out and ermmmmmm i dont think it'll be too swell to have to parade around really sucky horrific results, plus not really conducive to blissful summer fun somehow. also er duh who wants to fail right. i think though that this definitely beats, ah, beating myself up about certain issues, and going around in circles like a hamster on crack. actually, i still am, but on a very subconscious level. and in any case everytime all the horribleness of it (am i doing the wrong thing? but the wrong thing was done to me! ARGHHHHHHH *throws bricks*) surfaces again, all i have to do is think OH WHATEVER I HAVE MORE PRESSING CONCERNS LIKE NOT HAVING TO FLY BACK IN AUGUST TO TAKE RES.

happy things to do in summer
2. swim languidly (not rush to make it before 5.15, rush to finish, rush back for dinner then try to drag self through work while falling asleep continuously then finally sleep-typing out all my notes... jk)
3. bake (finally. how long have i been promising myself this?!!!)
4. read, omg omg omg.
5. pick up the violin again
6. hang out with the funky people
7. learn to paintttt

ok YAY it's a sunny day today, off to church :)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

hi world
today i woke up at 7.30am, WOW. -amazed- unfortunately i feel so productive at 11am that i dont wanna do anymore work for the rest of the day... lol.

i'm so glad i have nat and sharon, seriously. since forever i would have combusted without them. especially since now we're all in the uk studying... it really helps to know they're literally there, and facing similar stuff (gargh exams), and still being uber lit buffs and all. =)

cheery things

clearly, today is NOT a cheery day, but tomorrow will be better! yes it will!

anyways, some choice blackadder moments
- when they set sail for the cape of good hope, and blackadder is like, actually, we're NOT going to the cape of good hope, just going to france. and the captain says "that's good, because I don't know how to get to the cape of good hope"
and two days later, the scene opens on blackadder saying "so, you don't know how to get to France either?"

- when Blackadder is in love with Bob, his servant, who is actually Kate, and he has to pretend he doesn't like her because he thinks she's a boy. And they try to fight like chums, looking thoroughly unconvincing, and fall onto the floor in a compromising position... just as someone comes in.
Blackadder, getting off the floor: Well, good night, Percy, and good night... Bob

tonss more but all I can remember for now that doesn't require background knowledge of the plot/ isn't a spoiler

grin grin

Friday, April 17, 2009

studying is going insanely badly. however, the good news is, i am actually studying now, as compared to some days which could be better described as "watching movies on my laptop with three textbooks open in front of me"

smart me has now shifted to my bed :) its quite comfy actually! but only coz i'm doing anatomy now, and i don't use the comp for that... the comp is seriously evil. grr.

i'm beginning to feel lonely :( no shared meals with people cos the dining area is closed for hols and dunno when it'll open. everytime people asked me out in the past i always had something else urgent to do. in fact, i still have loads of urgent things to do. oh well. this isn't that foreign an emotion actually. a levels was worse, plus lots more was hanging on it.

i'm sure things will figure themselves out. hah.

meanwhile, blackadder has me laughing hysterically in my room lol i betcha all the random people staying in halls now will be like errr. and ursula le guin's the left hand of darkness is strangely comforting. it's just her style of writing actually, because i've only read the first two pages. must really wake up earlier than 11am or noon tomorrow. i actually have no food at ALL left so im gonna starve arghhh.

oh yeah being going boxing at the gym lately. FUN. haha.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

hi world,
i should DEFINITELY be more grateful to the fantastic processes in our body that keep us alive, etc etc, and i am , don't get me wrong! UNFORTUNATELY, they're currently flying the triumphant war-banner of: neednessly complicated. i'm SURE they're really awesome and all but right now i just LCXHGDFLGHDFLHGLDFG grrrrrr

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

okay, maybe i shouldn't have waxed -so- lyrical about the fog, it's now right outside my window. i really hope the gold monstrosity also right outside my window is due to be covered with something and that's not REALLY the roofing of the conference center or something... seriously it makes the building look like the taj mahal...

was supposed to meet j at 8.30 to go library, at noon we discover both of us are still languishing in our rooms HAHA


woke up ~9.30, had breakfast (eggs <3), bummed around... and suddenly it's 10.40 and by the time i get to the library it'll be 11.40, aka NEARLY MIDDAY. argh. argh.

why oh why do i take so long to start up in the mornings?!!

on a happier note, the weather is horrible today, not sure why that's happy-making, ahhhh i guess the sunshine was too bright and deceiving so at 8pm you think you still have the whole day ahead of you but uhhh. also it makes you wanna go out and play frisbee or something but you know perfectly well you can't. as usual i'm really screwed for exams, but this time it's real plus i seem to have no way to motivate myself.

well i don't know, on my way to the pantry to microwave eggs i looked out the window at the end of the corridor (this makes me sound like i'm living in some prison where the only orifice to the outside is at the end of a looooong corridor hahaha but no don't worry i just like this window because it looks out onto mountains in the distance and wide open rolling fields etc. very pretty when it snows!) because i wondered why instead of the usual storybook blue and white, the sky was suddenly light rose gray. it was beautiful. seriously. everything in the distance was covered with fog, and even cars looked wreathed in mystery. paths i have trod on in the past seemed to now lead to mythic, fairytale places. i went to make eggs and consider the various methods of dying by failing examinations.
for some reason chinese songs actually help mugging. because i don't -fully- understand chinese, or at least, the words don't conflict with the words on the page, being in uh a different language, possibly requiring a different part of my brain to process. lol. also because for some reason all the songs i bookmarked last time seem to have been bookmarked in a rather peaceful mood? or maybe resigned, well. most of the english songs i have on my playlist are rather... ANGRY.

or maybe it's just something peculiar to chinese songs, they wander around looking lovelorn, saying i'm sorry i love you, would you love me even if nothing ever happens (i personally think this sentiment is not the most laudable, sounds really boring. but on the flip side it could be the ultimate sacrifice? then again, not one i would ever want to make, or have anyone ever make for me. i should certainly hope that if anyone loves me, it would be an interesting love. probably bad to have your bf be bored by you lol.) well, it's ambient background music i guess. it gets pretty distracting (never thought i'd say this) when i'm listening to some like really enthused music and my neurons are trying to slowly entangle some needlessly complicated concepts, usually cause my handwriting is horrific.

or when things are chugging along great and suddenly the randomizer pops out a song that means a little too much to me, or perhaps has some fragment of lyric that i identify with uncommonly well, now or in the past, then i just have to go write down my epiphany/ bad memory somewhere.

heard some friends are putting up a play LOL can't wait to go back and watch it!!! omg omg how long more.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

this place is becoming a repository for terrible metaphors, lol. yesterday was a really good day =)

i ran round arthur's seat & did interval training, absolutely shattering.
i found evelyn waugh, pg wodehouse & muriel spark in the library (sorry to lit students who might have wanted those books... but there was 6 of each so..!) and also there was salman rushdie, james joyce etc, but i didn't get those because they were thick and i didnt really want to stagger all the way back to halls with that PLUS a huge immunology textbook. and i finished a lecture! admittedly i was supposed to have done 2, but whatever, this is a MILESTONE. lol.

and random happy things, which will soon seep insiduously into my consciousness and sour with time, oh well. i guess it's all a huge pretense right, what can i do about it. good? bad? oh just do your work.

Monday, April 13, 2009

hmmm sharon had a good point just now, maybe i should just -do- things instead of talking about them hahaha. but i like talking!! oh wells. but i do agree with the underlying principle... sometimes yea you just need to angst to get all the pent-up frustration with something out, but there can definitely be an overkill of it and you just end up wallowing in loads of selfpity which is pretty euch.

these few days have been really full of such indulgent puddles, but twilight and blackadder and efficiency have really made my day =) esp holy week masses with n and g, i really enjoyed going to them with you guys!! haha. plus easter play, all these just brightened up an otherwise completely shadowed dark valley of horribleness, or something.
peer feedback's out, i actually think it's really useful becos you get to attempt to fix what you didn't do so great next time and you know what you did well. yes sounds trite but it's surprisingly true. like as in to find it out now where you dont have to have all great feedback, just have to pass, is so much less stressful than to actually have important stuff riding on it.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

taylor swift-change

You know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history
And you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight
When the fight ain't fair

You can walk away
Say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this '
Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
Fight for what we've worked for
All these years
The battle was long
It was the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up, champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
The walls that they put up
To hold us back
Fell down
It's a revolution
Throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah
We sang hallelujah
i think this is a really apt easter song, coz well renewal and hallelujah and all.

i nearly caved in last night, dont know what came over me really... it's human of course but honestly who cares right, everything's right as long as you're all sugar and spice and everything nice. it's just that i guess i've been in a bubble for quite a while now, whether that's good or bad, no idea. i guess good for my sanity, bad for fixing my life. the eternal paradox.

the kenny sia jai ho video is HILARIOUS BTW haha, it just came up on my youtube randomizer is why..

but weighing up everything, it's still better to keep a smile on my face for now
(you can walk away, say we dont need this/ but there's something in your eyes/ says we can beat this) odd grammar if you ask me but the sentiment strikes painfully close to home. i couldnt say i don't need this, wild horses wouldn't ever get me to say that. it's an even harder road than all the bridges i've been constructing all this while - treacherous string bridges across ravines; this is practically climbing up to cloud country on a string of mary-poppinesque stars, but i know that what lies at the end of it is better than any pot of gold. i cant keep the vices of impatience and just plain exhaustion from creeping in and discoloring it all although i try. i know. i should try harder. because this is worth it; no, actually, i just have to suck it up and start running. i honestly thought the race was over, but i misjudged the end-point.
i keep on failing all these mini-tests
sure, i have done so much things right, but sometimes - sometimes things just get really shaken up

i just ask for forgiveness for what i have done and failed to do

im sorry for suddenly turning all hedgehog on everyone and everything, just know that i'm not mad, rather life is just doing its usual thing to me, these things happen.

but maybe i was gonna get pissed anyway, some things just arouse everything horrible. maybe my problem is that i get all excited about stuff and morals which cloud my judgement
just hang in there
i hope i can wake up in time for easter sunday 9am mass
i need every shred of strength i have

at least i know i'm not going mad
that's comforting
and the cheery presences as ever, or the memory of them, like unfailing gobstoppers

more lily allen

I could say that I'll always be here for you,
But that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do

Since you've gone I've lost a chip on my shoulder,
Since you've gone I feel like I've gotten older,
And now you've gone it feels as if the whole wide world is my stage
And now you've gone it's like I've been let out of my cage

i have done absolutely -no- work today -_-
had a v fun time boxing at the gym just now, then was in -absolute- heaven at next & republic in the new shopping mall i've discovered (after all this time here...) bought stuff! i've never spent so much money all by myself probably... but jeans + hoodie will probably last me a long while so should be muchly worthwhile.

then watched the easter play. WOW. it was really moving to see the passion played out before my eyes, especially the part in the garden where jesus was displaying his human side and wondering why he must drink from this cup, and when judas betrayed him with a kiss, and when judas begged peter for help after (i think this part is slightly fictionalized) "there must be something i can do!!" when in fact there wasn't, everything was veering inevitably towards the predicted conclusion.

the gardens were a perfect setting too, coz they were so pretty, what with the brilliant green and the yellow, pink and orange of the flowers, and the black gothic spires of the monuments against the bright blue sky.

and even though i knew everything was up in the air, it was one of those perfect days where you recognise everything that is not what you wished it to be (eg: i should be chugging through my studying, i should be the epitomy of beauty and wit and wisdom and loving grace. well. hahaha i wish) but it's actually okay. these times are pretty rare. but anyway, all my problems just went away - Jesus didn't ask to be maltreated and maligned. But he never complained, he just did it all anyway. What are these things in comparison to what he went through?

I'm not saying all the hurts won't converge again, sooner or later. There's only so long one can be grateful and have one's own small problems subside from their usual looming, warped but understandable perspective. I'm just saying, try and see what you can of the truth. Truth isn't always bad. Sometimes, the truth is that you are loved despite everything. Maybe not earthly love which dissapates so easily and can be so easily wearied and turn to dissent, to annoyance, and that isn't always a bad thing.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

it's lovely having long days because you have so much absolute freedom to go ANYWHERE you like WOOT

but highly deceiving and makes for great unproductivity. darn. anyways today is a v happy day, why i don't really know hahas. i guess it's just how delusional one is; the more delusioned one is when things are generally shitty, the happier one will be; yesterday i was startled by reality and today i'm blissfully shunning practical thoughts. lovely lazy day, woke up -relatively- early, drew pretty pictures on paint, talked to people, went to church, had a nice time talking to the girls =) and much hilarity too! decided against all other obligations & had a nice dinner thanks to the discovery that one can scramble eggs in the microwave (after a fashion).

ticked off all the lectures i've done on the lecture timetable, instantly making myself feel happier.

may watch easter play in town tmr. YAY. and SHOPPING.

Friday, April 10, 2009

maybe the only thing that caused me to smile today

Too often, the only difference between HAVE and HAVE NOT depends on whether or not the initial request was followed by a thank you, yee-haa, and action, rather than a question mark, timidity, and TV.
Don't ask. Give thanks. Bust a move.
Yo - The Universe

oh and current painkiller of choice = house. much much love.

finally finished the first immunology lecture, and i cant even muster up a sigh of relief, let alone the whoops of joy that it truly should receive. i feel like i just managed to eradicate my house of a rat infestation. ok fine it's not really the subject's fault (although a great deal of it is.), there's just something about today. good thing i didnt do anat my great love. just feel snarky and pissy today.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

the weather is really zzzzzzzzzzzz
right now my best friend is black coffee

life is a bit like sitting on the big thunder mountain rollercoaster (yes, best metaphor i can muster right now). every now and then everything bottoms out for no rhyme or reason. and yea you should be grateful you've alive and haven't fallen off yet i suppose but it's still terrifying mostly. my friend was hilarious when we sat on it he was, get this, TAKING PICTURES. -_- whilst everyone else was hanging on for dear life. cooool dude man.

im currently deciding if i should go for retreat or not. too complicated and rather dumb to explain really. but i dont think i serve God best by purposefully deceiving the parental units so um, yeah.

new approach to life, i have absolutely no idea if this will work, but i dont actually have any other choice.
there is absolutely nothing that can help me. even if i could find the right person to talk to, i don't know what i could say.

but the worst thing of all is the familiarity of this.

vaguely happy things
- yesterday we went to a funky seafood place & the planes made the scotland flag (? i think) across the sky, it was soo pretty
- HILARIOUS misunderstandings due to my sterling pronounciation, will tell you guys soon HAHAHA
- there are some people that are just a joy to talk to and never fail to make me feel cheered thereafter =) i really hope i am similarly amusing in return lols. but really :D thank you guys for being unfailingly amusing all these years.
- i have been doing work. very slowly, etc, but at least i'm getting into the groove of it. if that word can actually be applied to studying
- my friend did a hilarious uh... song that was... uh... high school musical -inspired- lol i say this because he had quite a bit of self input "in a world... that is cold... in scotland.... xx is going to london tomorrow... WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER" haha OMG can't stop laughing seriously. b should cut an album & prescribe it to people as an antidepressant lah hahaha

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

actually it makes perfect sense to study at night when everything is perfectly still, and you wont have to rush off for any commitments or anything anytime soon. the sunshine is just too enticing. makes me wanna go outside and run or have fun. when outside is just pure black, you don't feel too keen on exploring the dark swathes of trees and biting winds. well for me at least. it actually sounds pretty cool when put that way hahaha.

anyway i woke up at 11 but my mind sort of just woke up at 2.30pm -_- and going off for dinner at this cool place to celebrate the april people's birthdays =) funfun of course but grrrrrr

i just cant even begin to express my frustration with my inertia. it's not even inertia anymore. it's like a BRICK WALL in the middle of my driveway or something. it's like being stuck in concrete that is fast congealing, it's like being trapped in a spider's web, being distracted by pretty flowers all the while.

and the immunology notes are NOT HELPING. they are literally all over the place and i cant seem to organise them. i cant remember them if i dont organise them properly in my mind. if only i could get it all straight, i could file it all away neatly in sorted little packets, ready for prompt retrival upon request. UNFORTUNATELY all the macrophages and their associated cytokines are darting around in endless circles like the teacups at disneyland or something. or maybe zillions of little fishes on crack in some kinda infinity pond, having a ball of a time. this means IIII am so not. who would have thought studying was more intimidating than sitting on a rollercoaster -_- i should have thought, having conquered one, i could do the other. NO GO.

it's like some twisted merry-go-round, either that or like those stupid situations where both people insist "you go first" "no you go first" or those interconnected webs of relationships they made us draw for novels in lit THERE'S NO HEAD AND NO TAIL AND I'M LOSING IT.

i know i officially lost it waaaayy back i cant even remember when, but i -might- just have regained sanity somewhere in between, idyllically bopping along to life, being grateful etc, that seems not too long ago.

cant run from these. i think i dont cope well with exams. good luck to me LOL considering i'm going to be sitting tons of them and this is only the START ldfghdflgdf

its the stage where, even taking breaks don't help, cos you resent the breaks. but when you study, it isnt productive either, and is basically one major virtuous break in all but name. GAH GAH GAH
lily allen:
I don't know much,
But I know this for certain,
That is the sun,
Poking its head round the curtain.

matthew 6: 25-34
" 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

win. i'm sleeping at 6am -_-
honestly, i'm making less and less sense. but at least now it's 5am and i have an excuse. played cards until 2am ++ and somehow couldn't sleep.
even when i've got nothing at all
and i'm ready to fall
you're still there for me
even when i can't be there for you

i dunno exactly what i'm so grateful about sometimes, and sometimes i'm just grateful beyond words

i really need motivation, i hate this prickly feeling
of knowing i should have done so much more
i - i dont know if i can do this. truly. precedent has shown that i can, but i'm so so tired. it seems nearly impossible
now, when i look at these things that used to infuriate me no end, for some reason, i just feel peace, and mild interest and amusement. and so the hour spent thinking through this has been worth it.

prayed so hard for peace some time ago, desperate for relief, because nothing seemed to be going right. i had given up on steering my own ship, and i guess that's when i began my really bad coping mechanism of only doing whatever seemed right at that particular moment. which is not that bad cept you tend to look abit nuts. lol. and it took nearly a year to achieve peace. perhaps it's because the unfamiliar has become familiar, and if the unknown turns out to be rather placid and nice, you tend to be peaceful rather than constantly jumpy. but i dont think that is exactly it, because some things do set off the firecrackers from time to time...

so i think this is just that - a moment of peace, a giving up of a load of hate and jealousy and appreciating everything God has created and not just wanting it all for yourself (but i still want some things, like to eat at red fort, and booooooooooks, but anyway...) because there is no other explaination for this sudden lack of an insurgent annoyance and envy that i had come to expect whenever i chanced upon this.

i think everything will be fine. (if i pass my exams that is - ARGH)
all these years i have coveted their perfect lives, but today i realise, that no-one has it easy. it's just do you want to go about thinking ceaselessly about it or do you want to live your life to the full nevertheless?

i know which one i choose, and i'm really happy that for once i had the blessings to do so. even if it was on the most frivolous, random, spur of the moment thing.

d told me yesterday "God loves you very much". i suspect its coz he's still in the i will do absolutely anything to get into medicine stage hahaha and of coz events were pretty amazing. but yes timely reminder. i need to motivate myself again!!! here i am slacking off and there he is wanting to much to be studying what i am not wanting to do instead of bumming around, it is quite -_-

so yes. think twice before you covet anything, and dont judge people based on what you can see, cos there is plenty they -dont- tell you and it's unfair, it's just really unfair, to them for you thinking "grrr x has such a fantastic life everything i always wanted argh!" and to God also who can see it all and knows that you have it pretty good actually and you wouldn't want their specific scenarios if you could have his bird's eye view so who are you to complain?

i'm not sure if this lends itself well to confession, the priest will think "there she goes again..." but anyway, for what it's worth, i'm really sorry, God. please forgive me and i hope everything is for good and everything turns out well. Love, Me.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

easter is coming!

i never would have thought i would feel moved by someone preaching to me over a webcam, but life works in strange ways...

nevertheless, this easter is a truly joyful one. the very thought of it makes me smile, and think of pretty flowers amongst brilliantly green grass. i guess being in a place where white snow and black tree stumps suddenly gives way to a riot of colors and that gloriously bright green really drives home the point of easter being in spring. ok, fine, that isn't all that liturgical so to speak, but anyway new life and all that, you know. metaphors. i always liked metaphors.

easter means a lot to me. and somehow, all the past easters are like signposts on memory lane for me. i wish i was reading for easter sunday, like i did so many times before, but you cant have everything right?

if i know anything with certainty (apart from the fact that i should be mugging now...) it is that, being here, this very moment, is a good thing. i dont know whether it was a miracle, an integral part of the plan, or both really, a miracle that was designed to be an integral part of things, to teach me something. (sometimes i fear that i haven't learnt anything at all, except a list of drugs & lots of small blood vessels which i have already forgotten. )

- but whatever it is, this is good. and i should really lay down the cross of worry and just plough on. just keep on going. read this on the dominican brothers' site just now when searching for easter mass timings

Despair is based on the certainty that no good can come from a particular
evil. Hope is based on the possibility that there might. So hope is a form of
humility, while despair is a form of pride.

Monday, April 6, 2009

i haaaaaaaate studying ruts
right now studying pressures (in the lung), how apt
& notting hill is taking forever to load

i have to be the most unproductive person ever
i'm back in my little familiar hole with the awesome view out my window of my blue and red curtain coz when the sun's at a certain height it shines directly in, watching movies over my physiology textbook again.

movies i've watched reccently
1. sweet home alabama (before paris trip)
2. notting hill (watching now)

and lots of pushing daisies, grey's, gossip girl. oh yes i watched the grandfather just now, it was pretty good! the way the plotline somersaults though is pretty -_- haha.

been doing lots of thinking, with little result
i guess, i just need to buckle down to it. this bit is always the most painful. grrr. and as usual, when starting out on my ardous journey of taming my own concentration span & complete lack of discipline, there's absolutely no one that can help me. unfortunately, there is no lack of things that can hurt me or make me sad or insecure. WIN. well that's life i guess.

short bursts that remind me of what was & notting hill are all vaguely cheery. i guess we all try to recapture happinesses now and then. but also, sometimes i think, the greatest happinesses evaporate like alcohol rubs, leaving behind only the vaguest memory of perfume. the only thing i bought this time was almond musk perfume from semphora on champs-elysees, but i think it serves as a nice momento =)

i think i know now why people go on roundtheworld trips to discover themselves, etc. the trip was v fun, and also taught me a lot. will think on it. lots of moments i will write down somewhere, and which the photos capture. also, i think i know now what is my greatest priority, or my greatest few priorities in life. & truly it isn't really about repressing yourself or anything, it's more of changing yourself so that you will be doing the right thing when you are doing what you truly desire; ie, actually wanting to do the right thing and deriving joy from it. fine that sounds unforgivably prudish, but sue me.

anyway, i can't really be interesting and productive, the two things are quite contrary, for me at least.

and interestingly, it was who i remembered at that precise moment that amused me no end. i suppose old habits die hard, and what good does it do anyway, and the neurons in my brain just haven't caught up lol. but - there it was. must have sounded nuts but there it was. not surprising, all things considered, but... insightful.

ok. WORK.
i have thus far typed the title of the lecture
and had a lot of quaker oatmeal. it is v nice. ARGH


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...