Wednesday, May 30, 2018

spring day

amazing cover of bts spring day by roy kim + yoon gun

I miss you
When I say that
I miss you more
Even though I’m looking at your photo
I still miss you
Time is so cruel
I hate how things go between us
Now seeing each other for once is
So hard between us
It’s all winter here
Even in August, it’s all winter here
Time is gone by mind
Like a snowpiercer, I was left alone
I wanna hold your hand
And go to the other side of the earth
Wanna put an end this winter
How much do I have to long for you like snow piles up on the ground
Until the spring days come?

Like a tiny dust that floats in the air
Like a tiny dust
If the flying snow is me
I could've reached you
A little faster

Snowflakes are falling
And you are getting farther away
I miss you (I miss you)
I miss you (I miss you)
How much more do I have to wait?
How many more days do I have to stay up all nights?
Until I can see you? (until I can see you?)
Until I can meet you? (until I can meet you?)

Until this cold winter ends
And the spring comes again
And until the flowers bloom again
Please stay there a little longer
Please stay there

Is it you who changed?
(Is it you who changed?)
Or is it me?
(Or is it me?)
I hate even this moment that is passing by
I guess we are changed
Just like everyone you know

Yeah, I hate you
You left me
But I never stopped thinking about you
Not even a day
Honestly, I miss you
But now I’ll erase you
Because it hurts less than to blame you

I try to ease your pain
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’m gonna erase you
But I can’t really let you go yet

Snowflakes are falling
And you are getting farther away
I miss you (I miss you)
I miss you (I miss you)
How much more do I have to wait?
How many more days do I have to stay up all nights?
Until I can see you? (until I can see you?)
Until I can meet you? (until I can meet you?)

You know it all
You’re my best friend
The sun will rise again
No darkness, no season
Can last forever

Seems like cherry blossoms are blooming
The winter is gone
I miss you (I miss you)
I miss you (I miss you)
If I wait a little longer
If I stay up all nights for a couple of more days
’ll go to meet you (I'll go there to meet you)
I’ll come to get you (I'll come to get you)

Until this cold winter ends
And the spring comes again
And until the flowers bloom again
Please stay there a little longer
Please stay there

love everything about this song!!
how long do i have to wait
how many more sleepless nights do i have to spend

Dear God, please help me survive three more weeks
then the sun will rise again, and You will teach me that no darkness, no season can last forever

plans for tomorrow
am: gym + research
pm: adoration + korean italki class
i dont know why it takes so long for me to feel human after each call. it's like a numbness that takes forever to erase.
last night was up at strange hours watching zdoggmd lol
and his tedmed talk on feeling like a zombie wearing a steth REALLY RESONATED WITH ME
but sadly as i stalk the corridors at 1am with my portable slit lamp... i dont even wear a steth LOL.
at least he has a steth filled with bacteria. i dont even remember when is the last time i took my steth out of my bag


ok. what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.
when we break, we become stronger at the broken places. provided it doesn't kill us first.

PS. Dear God. Sorry I keep having to send prayers up even when you have given me so many miracles. I would love to not have so many moments of desperation too. However, I pray with all my heart that my patients and me survive the remaining three weeks of this posting, including my last call which looks poised to be on the last day of the posting. I also hope that many years from now I retain the ability to know how to spot cells in the anterior chamber, a shallow anterior chamber, and papilloedema through the undilated disc, or these six months of pure torture would not quite have been worth it. Even though I only have three weeks more, I would also like to be better at gonioscopy and B scans.
- me out

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

june resolutions/ preludes

to say that i am drifting on a neverendingsea far far away from civilisation let alone far from God, would be an understatement

i really have no words to describe the past few months, and maybe i shouldn't
but here are some concrete things i can do to survive this remaining month in the jungle:

1) never lose my God
- this wed, after 6pm mass theres adoration! aiming to go for that.

2) be nice to the people around me
- i know its very hard to think of others when you are drowning in the sea..very very very hard. but i should still try. yeah, this whole shebang may kill me. but i am determined not to let it affect anyone else. so therefore i should put on a brave face, keep marching on, keep on going even though i am more burnt out than the burnt out smoky ends in a ts eliot poem. yeah. no one cares to understand that i am fighting a battle like david v goliath and apparently im supposed to be continually as chipper as pippa longstocking despite the fact that i feel i need to show up at daniel's lions den daily. BUT i can do it! i can be pippa longstocking oh yea

3) i should study eye
- should aim to be the best eye mo there ever was. yea only three weeks more but i still have a fervent desire to be the best mo in this posting.

.... this is impossible
but we just keep on trying, keep on swimming, beating against the inexorable waves of time

i dont even think about what comes at the end of these next three weeks.
i dont even think about my next one week of break becos it takes so long for me to feel human again even after just one week of WORK let alone after four days of continuous call. i dont think i should write here how many hours i slept total during this four days as i dont actually think it is legal for anyone to sleep that number of hours in 4 days and to be working nonstop during that time. but i think we are expected to suck it up becos we applied for med sch as we knew what we were getting ourselves into. yes i knew what i was getting myself into, but i would like to be treated as slightly better than an amoeba on a daily basis, thank you. just saying. i know it's impossible and i accept my lot. i accept that i knew this when i signed up for medical school and therefore i have no right to complain, i know that too. end.

some of my fav parts of preludes:

The winter evening settles down
With smell of steaks in passageways.
Six o’clock.
The burnt-out ends of smoky days.
And now a gusty shower wraps
The grimy scraps
Of withered leaves about your feet
And newspapers from vacant lots;
The showers beat
On broken blinds and chimney-pots,
And at the corner of the street
A lonely cab-horse steams and stamps.

And then the lighting of the lamps.

The morning comes to consciousness
Of faint stale smells of beer
From the sawdust-trampled street
With all its muddy feet that press
To early coffee-stands.
With the other masquerades
That time resumes,
One thinks of all the hands
That are raising dingy shades
In a thousand furnished rooms.

You tossed a blanket from the bed,
You lay upon your back, and waited;
You dozed, and watched the night revealing
The thousand sordid images
Of which your soul was constituted;
They flickered against the ceiling.
And when all the world came back
And the light crept up between the shutters
And you heard the sparrows in the gutters,
You had such a vision of the street
As the street hardly understands. 

His soul stretched tight across the skies
That fade behind a city block,
Or trampled by insistent feet
At four and five and six o’clock. 

Sunday, May 20, 2018

on 2017 (retrospective entry LOL)

so it's almost halfway through 2018 and i realized i never posted the roundup for the 2nd half of 2017!
spoiler: it's heavy on the ED love. guess 2017 turned out to be a better year than expected haha.

midyear reflections on 2017 here

july 2017:
SO i passed my frcem primary!!! i also survived a full 6 mths ed posting, and took NO MCs at all thereby earning a very cute cert hahah along with loads of my friends. i also mananged to finish shift on time to actually get to the farewell dinner (a feat by itself)

being priviledged to live life in the fast lane is all that we could ever have hoped or prayed for. thank you God for knowing which part of medicine i would love the most and which suited me and my personality the best and guiding me (not so gently HAHA) to it.

aug 2017:
learning new korean vocab is so therapeutic. maybe i should watch some frcem intermediate videos instead to learn abt chest and abdo trauma. HAHA.on the bright side, i learnt how to say "stabbed in the chest" and "i have a fishbone in my throat" in korean. these are VERY USEFUL PHRASESS ok

so i should keep on the road, even if the lights have gone out multiple times and the path seems like an everchanging geographical landscape like the icelandic glaciers and volcanos. i might have felt ravenously hungry post shift and skipping dinners etc but im clearly still alive and clearly did not die from starvation as of yet.

sept 2017:
i wont ever forget that september seven years ago when God worked my miracle/ the miracle that i already thought the miracle had already happened but it still did

now off to sign up for my ED CONFERENCE!!! what did i say, God is always goood :)

oct 2017:
i am truly grateful to God for even helping me to get to this position of a ed medical officer. i would really like to repay him in some way. be it some way i have not even imagined yet, or perhaps what seems so real - my childhood dream - wearing that msf white shirt one day? dear God, please please pick me!! i have paeds background and i can handle -most- adult ed stuffs so please please help me to get the training I desperately need so i can become a better doctor and serve your people - be it in this country or through msf many years in the future.

nov 2017:

I REALLY HOPE THIS WORKS OUT. COS THERE IS NO MORE PLAN C. there is just a hope in something greater than me out there.

there were many happy moments (in between trying not to fall off mountains) and beautiful sceneries but i think my ABSOLUTE FAV was when i was trekking behind H the guide thinking to myself how nice the footsteps in the snow was and wondering if God was trying to give me a little pick-me-up with the footprints-in-the-snow thing (seeing as how i have managed to survive like the past 7 years just remembering how God brought me through edinburgh with the one pair of footprins in the snow...) and H turned around and says "i'm really happy right now cos it's the first snow!"

dec 2017
i would like to express my undying gratitude towards the AWESOME bosses who somehow still trust in me and gave me chances for procedures. 2nd chest tube done! and sucess tooo :):) happiness~
having picked an UTTERLY RANDOM next posting, i conclude that, i really love ed, and after this six months, i would like to never do anything but ed again.

For from him and through him and for him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
romans 11:36

somedays i barely hold on/ you're not alone

when my spirit is weak
you come to my aid
and strengthen my soul
im lost without you
i'll never doubt you
Your grace is beyond compare

you know all i have is yours
you smile when you hear my prayer
you rescued me
and i believe
that God is love
and He is all i need
from this day forth for all eternity

i'll never wander on my own
for i am yours until you call me home
you're not alooooone

some days i just cant go on
i stumble and fall
i hang my head
i reach out for your hand
you lift me up again and again

in the face of my depravity
my fire burns til he returns and takes me home beyond the galaxy

i really dont know what to say about this posting.

but this i can say, it is definitely bringing me closer to God.
so by that definition it is a good thing.

today was pentecost. i was quite pleased that i managed to make it to church post call (even reached home about 11am+ and had quite a good sleep which is really really rare post call!). something about the incense or the air in church today, made me feel God's presence very strongly. reassured me that i am not alone. when i trudge to work feeling like i'm going into the lion's den like daniel, God is with me. when i am all alone in the call room drowning and debating with myself if i should call the reg or not - God is with me. He is the voice of conscience telling me to call if i am unsure. not to be worried that they will think i am silly (yes. they will think i am silly.) that even though this posting is the toughest thing i have done in my entire life and out of my comfort zone doesnt even begin to describe it, there must be a reason why He put me here. there must be something (many things) He wants me to learn from this six months

although there is only one month left, i still really want to be a good mo in this posting. i am still trying my best even though everyday it feels like my best is not enough. i think that there is alot of improvement i can make still. let's not even talk about the system since i cant change the system but i can sure change myself.

it has been a really tough five months. and one month more to go. But in the middle of all this, i just keep telling myself that after ALL THESE YEARS, God cannot possibly be abandoning me now. He cannot possibly be abandoning me at the last stretch after he has dragged me all these years first through medical school which took some effort to complete and panned two continents then through all those years of night shifts and reaching home at two am in the morning and then finally to be an ed doctor. He will not abandon me now.  every single day for the past two months i've just been repeating this over and over again to myself as i walk that path from the mrt to the hospital and today during pentecost as the waves of the opening hymn washed over the church and the smoky incense filled the room i just knew that God is going to save me. He is going to bring me (and my patients) through this last month plus safely all the way to the last stretch.

and then of course i hope i survive the next five years too HAHA but that is a prayer for another day, let me survive this one month and one week first.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

turn it up

really grateful for a day off work thanks to public hols today haha

some resolutions for the next 1 month and 3 weeks:
- to ALWAYS ask for help if i am not sure, and to bring someone to see the pt if i am not sure of something. there is NO SHAME in asking for help or being slow. to ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING
- to study 30mins of eye every night
- to keep on going and never lose my God. to believe that he has not brought me through these 8 years to just abandon me at the end like this. even in the darkest nights, drowning all alone on call, to believe that God is still there. He still exists.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

God of all my days

God of all my days - casting crowns
I came to You with my heart in pieces
And found the God with healing in His hands
I turned to You, put everything behind me
And found the God who makes all things new
I looked to You, drowning in my questions
And found the God who holds all wisdom
And I trusted You and stepped out on the ocean
You caught my hand among the waves
'Cause You're the God of all my days
I ran from You, I wandered in the shadows
And found a God who relentlessly pursues
I hid from You, haunted by my failure
And found the God whose grace still covers me
I fell on You when I was at my weakest
And found the God, the lifter of my head

And I've worshiped You
And felt You right beside me
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days
In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing

'Cause You're the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

may resolutions

a look back on the past month of a new(ish) posting, well new hospital same posting rather

my goals were to
- learn BIO (yes! i can BIO and be quite convinced of my findings. i can see RD/ retinal tears/ brvo etc)
- b scan (yep b scanned a pt on call)
- survive calls (well kinda, thanks to the v nice regs who picked up my 2am calls)

new goals for may
- see patients faster
- be good at gonioscopy (i can gonio, but usually get someone to check my findings. need to be able to gonio by myself at night)
- buy a new phone with a better camera
- buy a new call bag, buy new call shoes (current ones are pretty tattered and torn lol)
- set my pomodoro to study strictly at least 30mins-1hr of eye every night!!!!
- try to leave hospital earlier each day - leave by 6-7pm maybe? so that i can study a little bit each night
- COLLECT MY NEW SCRUBS. so i can wear them on call
- never lose my God
- find sth very impt that i lost postcall in the clinic the other day (this is gonna be like a needle in a haystack)
- never hesitate to call for help/ ask for help when needed/ when im not sure. it may be embarrassing and i may be scolded but i will ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING, being scolded is not sth that i care about too much AS LONG AS I DID THE RIGHT THING and i called for backup help. yep.

other to dos
- claim for calls
- claim for courses ive paid for
- find my vaccination records
- get my em jacket

i think studying ed stuff may have to be put on hold a lil while cos right now is ALL OUT SURVIVAL for my current posting so yeah, maybe during my leave in june, will study abit then

these 4 months that have passed, i have learnt a lot, two months more to go and i know God is with me. He is always with us in the darkest times, when we feel like we can't hold on anymore. He is with us through the night "you and i we will make it through/ make it through" - a song that rang in my ears when i was taking the FRCEM primary, even in ed when we are nv alone there is always some physical backup somewhere - now ringing in my heart on those nights when it feels like the patients never ever stop coming that i am drowning. but what keeps me going is the adrenaline, the thought that GOD DID NOT BRING ME SO FAR TO ABANDON ME NOW. that morning is going to come, i am going to survive this, just keep on going keep on going. that the friendly reg is just a phone call away and they are willing to help me. (i hope).

i guess its like always. i just have to keep telling myself GOD IS WITH ME. or i will never be able to even muster up the courage to go for the call. but yknow i lost this very impt thing on call (as in an impt personal object that means alot to me) and i was wondering how i wld get it back. then suddenly a replacement appeared literally out of the blue. it was like a very tiny small shard of hope in a rainstorm.

i guess i'm just praying for things to get better somehow (altho i dont really know how?). maybe God can help, i hope so. there are many things i have to say but i dont think i should really say. just keep hanging on this string and counting down the days. (truth be told). oh and MUGGING LIKE CRAZY

spring day

amazing cover of bts spring day by roy kim + yoon gun ___________ I miss you When I say that I miss you more Even though I’m looking ...