Monday, June 24, 2019

never stopped loving

never stopped loving - jeremy camp 
You kept on calling my name
Through all my darkness and haze
Even when I had fell apart
You held me close to Your heart
When I have gone astray
How You would chase me
When I was so afraid
You would embrace me
You never stopped loving
You never stopped loving me
Over and over again
You prove a faithful friend
From here, You'll never turn away
'Cause You're love, You cannot forsake
~
in life we have many things to learn from
years and years pass and memories fade. 
but years after, looking back on it all. i think that maybe some things actually came from God. that those meant something in and itself. not just to learn for future times, but in that moment itself. well i can't turn back time and it was gonna end up this way anyway, although no question that i could have done much better as a human being in that time. my excuse is that i was very young and inmature back then.which is true. but hey God helped answer da prayers and it worked out ok in the end right? a happy ending for everyone in various ways. ok my fairytale knight hasn't come. but there were other happy starts and happy things. and hopefully i have forgiven and been forgiven as well, for various things i might have done. 
in the end, what i learnt from it is that, although i love to plan ahead and strategize what im gonna do later, sometimes it is right in the moment that we need to focus. not on something nebulous in the far future. its in the person right next in front of you that is impt. not some possible knight in shining armour that may come in ten years time but the person with you right now. not that the knight ever seems to come, but that's a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER. lol. or maybe he came and left. a short story, not a novella. a very very short story. 
but hey, it might have been short but at least it was short and sweet. at least it didn't end in a long dragged out matter, at least it didnt spawn about ten asterix-the-bard-worthy poems that could be published in my fav poetry online journal (can i put all this in my cv ah?). at least i knew i did the right thing. didn't offend anyone or anything (you would be surprised at how easy it is to do that). 
and me? i will board the next plane to whereever msf will bring me to, if they will have me. i dont think even the most armoured knight would be able to accept someone who needs to fly off to a war torn country every year sadly. but if anyone knows of such a person pls let me know. 

now and forever/ the reasons you brought me here

prenight musings x 100

1) i think everything else is SECONDARY. all these are just extra things
being a good doctor and a good human is the mOST IMPT THING
never ever lose sight of that
never ever lose ur God

2) playing wizards unite on the way to library to do research is fun+++ hehe

3) i hope tonight is a good good night

4) dear God, is it possible for me to finish doing everything i need to do, and do it well? and to somehow find time to study? and to somehow be a good doctor (to the lvl of my own expectations, and of other's expectations?)

5) dear God, pls help all my pts survive. help me to do the right thing, always. to not be afraid what others think of me, or what i think of myself. cos ALL THAT DOESNT MATTER. i only answer to you my God

~
now and forever - one sonic society
i stand in awe
i stand amazed 
when i see all you've done for me

from the ruins of my life
u heard my human cry

who can i compare to you my God
there's no love like yours
all praise i give to you my God
now and forever
~

reasons why you brought me here - jason gray
I know I'd get an answer
That I can't understand
If I ask that Your intentions be made clear
I know Your plans are greater

And in that greater plan
Like the reasons why You brought me here
This story would be different
If it were only mine to write
There are secrets I would never volunteer
But secrets lose their power
When they have no place to hide
Maybe that is why You brought me here

Ooooh
all I see are the ruins
Yeah
as the smoke starts to clear
Ooooh
I hope You know what You're doin'
‘Cause You brought me here

It's a mess of my own making
This I won't deny
And though the consequences
shake my heart with fear

I guess I'm grateful that you brought me here
I always heard You loved me
But I think I know it now
Is that the reason why You brought me here
I guess I'm grateful that You brought me here

Saturday, June 22, 2019

i have this hope/ in the depth of my soul

i have so many things to juggle. no idea if im doing half the stuff right or wrong

but today during one of the shermp weddings, i felt very strangely touched during the opening songs

~
for your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other
your goodness is running after me
with my life laid down, im surrendered now
cause all my life You have been so so good

~

watching out of the corner of my eye the pd singing along (lol) i felt strangely moved somehow

memories of a dark night trying to find the firelight, stumbling along in the dark (i dont even mean metaphorically lol. i mean LITERALLY). such a relief to have finally found the campfire light lol. those memories kept flashing across my mind

~

as always, God brought me to this... surely he will bring me through this?
~

warm fuzzy happy feelings in one universe versus crazy bilevel mood swingings (not mine) versus illusions versus delusions
OH WHATEVER. i have no time anyway

to do today
- improve my cardiac us
- watch one amal mattu video

to do tmr
- church
- drive to work
- p3 shift

that will be enough
ONE DAY AT A TIME
~

and i think, i MUST NOT FORGET WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE, AND WHY I AM HERE.
(angels brought me here)
in whenever number of years that i exit
i shall fly off to MSF
as planned

KEEP ON GOING. KEEP ON LOGGING THINGS AND LEARNING THINGS.
so that one day i might earn that seat on the plane

~
what are men to rocks and mountains
will i ever find anyone who can do this msf thingy too. or accept it. UNLIKELY
so i just accept this fate lol.

becos THIS IS why i signed up for medicine. so KEEP ON GOING.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

how many times


TO DO LIST
- pay ps back for our impromptu deliveroo salmon samurai + bubble tea dinner hehe
- claim conf sponsorship
- revise some ECGs
- scan conf cert
- organise _____
- help plan welcome dinner
- pack entire house
- get new scrubs (???)

what i wanna do right now
- sleep

what i really have to do
- go for shift in 3 hrs

what i will probably end up doing
- watching kdramas

~

"How Many Times" 

There's no making sense of you, I can't explain it
How do you love the way you do and never change it
You are good, you are strong, you are everything I'm not
You are hope, you are love and your mercy never stops

[Chorus:]
How many times have you been faithful,
and How many times have you carried me
I run, I fight, I try to hide
But you stay here by my side
You carry me still no matter how many times

You are my god when I was lost deep in the shadows
And I've been yours all along so I will follow
Every step that you take, every move you wanna make
In my heart, in my life, oh I'm not afraid

[Chorus]

You know who I am, still you love me
And I don't your arms holding on to me, you carry me

~
day 6 marathon


The start was great
You were confident
You didn’t know
It’ll be this forceful
No one knew
Mhm

Suddenly
You’ve gotten all exhausted
Always
Flopping down
I feel bad looking at you
No no

But right now
(Can’t stop)
If I stop
(Can’t stop)
I think it’d be too late
I think I won’t be able to get back up

Don’t you run run run
It’s already been very hard
Walking now
Is okay (okay)

Resting for a bit is also good
Taking it easy is also good
You don’t have to overwork yourself

Honestly, me and you
Have no difference
The person ahead
Might be laughing at me
So I also couldn’t stop yeah

I’m like a fool
(Can’t stop)
Oh foolishly
(Won’t stop)
Without even knowing why I’m running
I also came all the way here alone

Right now by your side
I’m here
Walking together
I’m here
So it’s okay yeah
Even if you go slowly it’s okay yeah

Monday, June 17, 2019

all i can do




Yea I could try so hard
To give it everything I've got
But I'm not ever gonna measure up
All I can do is thank You
For this life I never deserved
Wanna thank You for the grace
I know I don't have to earn
You love me, You love me
Your mercy is proof
All I can do is say thank You
It would have been easy
But I'm glad You never walked away
Cause Your love runs deep for me
For hope, for love, for all the ways You move
For everything You do
What else can I say but thank You
~
~
STATS COMING OUT MY EARS

stress lvl max

wanna study ecg toxicology ultrasound
no time no time

but all i can do is thank You/ for this life i never deserved

if u asked me, yrs ago when running in the meadows, i couldnt envisage a life beyond. i was just running, one foot in front of the other, picking myself up when i fell down. there was no one to pick me up so i just kept on popping back up each time

it was just me and the mountains and the swans sometimes

ok la there were alot of angels like colin/matt/ wy/ kamin, will never forget their kindness in listening to my endless not very poetic wells of angst hahaha

anyway i couldnt have imagined this. i felt like the walls of the not very bubbly bubble could combust and explode at any time, the uncertainty and stress had such a weight, only running at arthurs seat made me feel totally free. running in the cold winter air and watching footprints in the snow. hoping that when i looked back on it, i would see the parts where God picked me up

so thank you God for never walking away


for the many many more years of love since those winter runs in the blizzards of life


alligator/ me after you




this song was on produce x 101, so pretty!!

~
monsta x's alligator is also a v cute song haha



thursday night

urban zapaka and benzino - thursday night 
On this ordinary Thursday night
I’ll take you anywhere
You seem the most tired today out of all days
Wanna drive? If you don’t mind?
I wanna go with you, wherever it is
You and I will fill up the night
We’re going to that place
Wherever you want
Even if I get things done after I got kicked around
I can’t smile and I’m afraid of tomorrow
When I have a bit of time in the evening but I don’t know how to spend it
I wanna feel this night air with you
I’ll pick you up right now
Don’t go home, stay there
baby I’m on my way
I know you have work early in the morning tomorrow
I wanna see you a bit more
On this Thursday night, I’m out of breath
I’ll run to you as I think of you
I’ll take you anywhere
As we split through the street lights like a keyboard
I’ll listen to your day and say “did you really?”
Pushing away the night air of the world that gave you a hard time
Like the music that is flowing out the window
The stars and the moon in the Han River are flowing along with time
We can feel it together
That we’ll arrive in many more Thursdays in the future

never stopped loving

never stopped loving - jeremy camp  You kept on calling my name Through all my darkness and haze Even when I had fell apart You held me ...